[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that if you want to date her, then you have to let her know — beyond what you’re doing now. She’s the one who asked you out. Now, she’s cooled. The ball is totally in your court. Send her flowers. Call her and ask her to go to dinner on Saturday. Take the lead! 😉 Make her feel special and desired so she’ll want to go out. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve put your finger on the problem. You can love someone, but not be compatible with them. This is sometimes a tough concept for people to understand because there’s a romantic notion that love is enough. You’ve mentioned a handful of issues that you feel are incompatibilities — for instance, you say you want someone who is energetic and takes good care of herself, and the woman you’re engaged to isn’t those things. You talk about wanting children without autoimmune disease, but you’ve gotten engaged to someone who has just that. 😕 You want children, but you’re concerned that your fiancee may pass on her medical issues or not be up to taking care of them. You’ve got a good handle on the problem — you just need help making a decision.

Use pencil and paper. In one column list everything you want in a wife. In a second column list your deal breakers. Then go through in a third column and see where your fiancee falls. The hardest part is analyzing and making a decision since relationships aren’t straight math. You can marry someone who’s awesome on paper, and problems arise later. You can marry the perfect woman and get hit by a car and end up disabled. You can both be healthy, and have a child with problems in spite of your health. Life is fluid and full of surprises — so this exercise isn’t an insurance policy! But it is an exercise you thinking critically. You’ve mentioned she has wonderful qualities, but some you really don’t like. You have to do the hard work and decide if what’s between you is enough for you. If it’s not — then you should rip the bandaid off and move on. If it is, then you have to decide to keep your side of the street clean, for instance, don’t enable her financially.

If you haven’t discussed these things with her, in a non-confrontative way, then do so. Ask her about having kids. Ask her about her medical future and her finances. Ask her how she’d feel about having separate money and about how she’d feel if you stop funding her. Get the conversation started because you may learn things about her and yourself that you haven’t, in spite of four years together.

Let me know if you have more questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can’t tell if you’re in love or not, but it does sound like you have strong feelings about this guy. If you want more help fill me in a little more. How old are you both? Is this someone you have a crush on? Or have you dated?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Awesome! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you’re really stressing about getting him back and making things be the way they were — or better. And I know you wish you could make your mistake disappear or take it back. Those are your feelings and they’re valid.

But the reality is the relationship has a life of it’s own, and it’s going through a challenge right now. He may or may not be okay with things and the relationship may or may not work out because of the lie. That he’s taking a break isn’t a good sign. 😕

In the meantime, just be your best self, learn from what happened, decide how and why you’ll do things differently and go easy on yourself. Understand that you lied for a reason, and that reason is no longer important to you because you’ve learned that it’s better to be upfront and possibly lose someone right away, than get invested in a relationship with a lie that will eventually be found out (they always are).

Hang in there!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Take a broader look at things. The first two months of dating anyone is a time to get to know each other rather than be in a committed relationship. Use the first three months of dating anyone simply to decide get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them. If you do, use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous with them. If you use these guidelines you can relax a little and notice that she’s jealous, rather than freak out about it because you feel you have a commitment already. 😉

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s good that you told the truth, even if it was late in the game. My advice is to focus on what’s good in the relationship. You already made the mistake and apologized. If you keep picking at the scab it’s going to come off again. Be the girlfriend he wants, and give him the opportunity to process and forgive. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is actually a question for a physician — I can’t comment on whether this is harmful to your body or not because I’m a doctor. In terms of your relationship, if you’re both okay with this, and it’s not hurting anyone, there’s no problem with this type of kink.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]What’s actually happening?[/quote]

You’re afraid of rejection. 😳 You have to gather your courage and ask her out. If you don’t, you’re going to spend energy writing me 20 more posts, asking me to tell you what she’s thinking. I’ve already advised you that she’s interested and you should ask her out. You had a plan to do so — and didn’t execute it. 🙁 Now, you’re trying to get yourself stuck in the “Does she like me?” zone so you don’t have to face possible rejection.

Nobody every died from a “no”. And you may get a “yes”. Besides, women like confident men who aren’t afraid to fail, so get out there and invite her to a movie or coffee or to go hiking or to go to a museum. Worst case is she says no, and best case she says yes. Besides, if she’s not interested in you (which I doubt), it’s best to cut to the chase, know that, and move on.

Don’t make this about her — it’s about you! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Flirt with him! Get to know him a little better. And make small talk that leads to conversation where you get to learn about his life and any romantic commitments he already has. You can offer to take him out for a drink to thank him for the bed for your son. Or bring him homemade cookies as a thank you. That should get the ball rolling. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it will help you if you can get over the idea that you’re friends. You’re not. Friends don’t fall in love with each and want to date each other. That’s different. It’s romance. So if you can understand the difference between friends and romance, you’ll have an easier time understanding that you’re not friends and you can’t be. That will simplify a lot for you!

Second, decide if you want to date him or not. If you do, then flirt with him and let him know you made a mistake in cutting off with him because you didn’t want to be in the middle. But don’t go back to the friend zone. With your actions, make it clear you’re interested in dating.

And third, if rejection comes, accept it and move on. Life will be less chaotic and stressful for you, and you’ll be open to dating someone else because you won’t be in a complex friend zone with a guy you like as more than a friend. 😉

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t about him — it’s about you!

You have to be a little more analytical about the situation and less emotional. In other words, you should make decisions with your head and not your heart in this case. You’re going to get nowhere if you say, I want this to work, and here are the problems. Instead, ask yourself, what are my deal breakers? Can you live with a man who is not successful? Can you live with a man who has a short temper? If the answer is yes, then stay. If it’s no, then you should move on. You’re smart to consider the pros and cons and see if the pros outweigh the cons. That’s one way of trying to analyze the potential success of a relationship, but another tool is to know your deal breakers. If his lack of success is going to cause a break up or a divorce down the line, then you should cut to the chase now. Love is wonderful, but it’s not enough to hold together a marriage with kids and not enough money when there’s resentment. That’s a recipe for disaster. 😕 You’re wise to ask these questions now, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. Don’t overthink things. Just keep it simple and focused.

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