[Anonymous]

before i even saw your reply, i talked to him last night and finally got it out of him. i firmly told him if he did not want to be engage we needed to end that and just be in a relationship and i asked him why he’s scared of planning our wedding and talking about the future (we did by the way have a date in about 2 years, just not completely set in stone). to my surprise, it’s not really about me. i mean a small part of him worries that we wont work out, but apparently the majority of it has to do with his financial stability and his work. he is afraid that he will not be financial ready to get married, buy a house, start a family, etc and if his job will still be there. but after talking about how i am unsure about all these things as well and so is everyone else with a right mind when they get married! just like when people go out and buy a brand new house and car, and lose their job the next day. you just dont ever know. we were both really relieved after the conversation and decided to stay engaged with our wedding date, but it is flexible and may change depending on our jobs and money situation when the date gets closer.

and about the friends, you’re right, they ARE a reflection of him. but the old him, the one he was before we met 5 years ago. he’s grown up since then and is more responsible (except the drinking) and they are the exact people they were 5 years ago (still living with mom and dad, no job, no education, no future). i think he went back to them because they were all he knew. we talked about his friends and apparently they dislike me not as a person, but because they feel like i am taking him away from them again. which i can see, but still, he IS my fiance. so i don’t know if they will ever get over that. i mean i am willing to share, but hey they got to remember, i like spending time with him too. but he is going to try to control his drinking habits and just go out with his friends and drink like once or twice a week for fun, not because he has to.

and you’re also right about drinking as an escape, but not from me and our relationship, but rather the hardships in life itself. this kid has been through a lot of bad in his life, more than most can imagine. but we are going to work on him focusing on the good and not NEEDING to drink, but rather just wanting to once and a while.

and i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, i know this and trust me i have asked myself this question before and the answer is always yes. especially before we got back together, i took a few weeks to really think about if i want to be with him forever because i didnt want to get back with him and then break his heart again. i know i am 100% certain. but any more advice on how to get his friends to not feel so threatened and jealous of my relationship with him?

Thanks for the advice!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice April!! And as hard as it is for me to accept it (I really wish he liked me!) I’m starting to think you’re right! It’s going to be hard to detach myself from him but I think it’s the best move.

Question: Do you think I should just cut him out of my life all together? Besides all this mixed signal crap he seems to be a good person and and an even better friend and I’d like to keep him in my life, even if we are just platonic friends. Think that’s a bad idea?

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation. Except I was the one who ended things with my boyfriend and began seeing a great guy. 2 months later, I found myself texting my ex, saying how much I loved and missed him while I was cuddling with new boy. That was my red flag. Once I started talking to my ex and things felt like they were starting back up, I immediately broke it off with new boy and slowly went back with the ex. I do not regret my decision whatsoever. However, I must tell you, getting back together is HARD. Harder than the relationship you had before. But if your heart is telling you to that you love her, go for it! And with new girl, don’t feel bad because she deserves a guy who is dedicated to her and wouldn’t even question going back to his ex. Also, I don’t know your situation and what you ex did to you, but I know I am thankful everyday that my ex took me back, because I realized that I was making a huge mistake by not being with him. But if you do want the ex back, definitely end it right away with new girl and take it slow when getting back with the ex and feel things out first. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What kind of work environment is that? Pass the memo and while you’re at it, spin the bottle too? The moral of this story for you is: don’t drink if you can’t maintain your morals. Seriously, this is your workplace. You have to be careful what you say and do there and while with your work colleagues. So, a suggestion: if you like her, ask her out [i]for coffee[/i] (away from work) and ask if there is any chance there for the two of you and what the story is with the fiance. And one other thing: if she is going ahead with her marriage, you have to bow out gracefully. People often want to have that last fling before they make the commitment [i]to someone else[/i]. 🙄 Make sure it isn’t with you if you’re going to feel crummy/embarrassed/have-to-face-the-work-crowd-and-now-everyone-knows later. The fact that the fiance is controlling or unfaithful or whatever is irrelevant to this whole situation. If she picks him, she is resonsible for that decision and selecting the person that he is. Otherwise, don’t drink around her if you have to make excuses for yourself the next day. Believe me, it isn’t worth it. And ignore the work-greek-chorus and it will fade away. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You texted her twice — two days apart. She responded both times. If she wasn’t interested, I doubt that she would have responded. Also, she didn’t have to ask you to meet her family, especially recovering from illness. That indicates she is interested in getting to know you better. And you likewise, are interested in getting to know her better. Neither of you really know the other person very well at this point. So I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. The fact that she did not continue to text with you after your response text doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t interested. You are right not to bombard her with texts. That was good. Now, give her a call and ask her out again — by phone so you can hear each other’s voices — not by text. It’s good practice to ask someone out, whatever happens with this particular person. You get to flex your guy muscles and work on that guy-fear-of-rejection-thing. Remember you were a whole person before you two started getting to know each other. Whatever happens here, you will still be that person. If she says yes, great; if not, listen to her reason and decide if you want to try again. Keep it simple and try not to assume anything until you know for sure if she is interested or not. Text-interpretation can be really tricky. 😕

[Anonymous]

Me and him both think this. He seems to have all of the characteristics of a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you ought to consider your intentions before you attempt to re-enter her life and maybe you ought to consider what might be best for her at this point rather than just go on your impulse that you never got to know her. Maybe what you want might not be best for her. What is the purpose of your contacting her? To make amends? You can do that by writing a letter to her and asking for her forgiveness but NOT sending it. If your motive is any other, you might want to consider leaving her alone. She does not need your pity or being patronized by you — that is, feeling sorry for her. That would most likely make her feel worse. Examine your conscience and consider just plain not acting on your impulses. The fact that you feel that you were bullied worse than what you did to her is your rationalization to make you feel better about your past actions, and possibly not of interest or at all helpful to someone who you’ve hurt in the past. For her sake, consider leaving her alone now — as your way of making amends — and as your gift to her, of sorts. To contact her and act like you don’t remember how you treated her is ridiculous — and I guarantee she will remember YOU — and probably not fondly. 😥

[Anonymous]

Hi Bigheart,
Thanks for replying to my post. 🙂

As someone who had a drinking problem, the motivation to quit has to come from within himself. You can never quit because someone else wants you to. It just won’t work. There may be issues he needs to resolve that are the motivations behind his drinking. I don’t really know how I stopped. I just know that as soon as I started making changes in my life for the better, I no longer wanted to drink. So maybe try to get him to focus on other things. I’m sure he has goals or hobbies he’s abandoned. Try to get him to reconnect with who he is and who he can be. Focusing solely on the need to quit to drinking didn’t help me. It only made drinking more attractive. And the more people complained about my drinking, the more I felt the urge to drink.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know from experience what it is like to be bullied. I know I would like the people apologize to me, but I know now that the past is the past. If I was in your shoes, I would send her a message and see if you guys could hang out sometime, just be open with her. I wouldn’t apologize to her just yet about it because if you want to get to know a girl that you once bullied, it’s not the best thing to start out by apologizing. You might want to get to know her first then apologize for doing what you did. If you start out right away to apologize, she might think that you are getting to know her now because you feel sorry for what you did. In a way to get her to go out or hang out with you, I would start off simple. You said that she has some personal issues from what you heard, don’t bring those up but maybe you can use those to your advantage to break the ice. If she looks better than what she did in middle school/high school then let her know that. Most people with self-esteem issues likes to hear that stuff even if they don’t want to admit it. As for apologizing to her, I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does because it might bring back bad memories. A person with self-esteem you have to get to know them and how they interact before you can tell them anything. I know this because I had low self-esteem….well still do, but it’s getting better. As for the past, again, I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does. Just tell her something that you are trying to get a hold of old friends from middle school/ high school and see what they have been up to since it’s been awhile, you don’t have to tell her that it’s just her, but if she wants to hang out with a couple of people from back then, it wouldn’t hurt to look up more friends just in case. I hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

So you mean ask blatantly “Why did you register yourself on the site”?

Then what kind of questions should be asked to get to know someone better? We haven’t really asked such questions. We mostly wrote about how our days were, a little about our jobs and what we’re planning for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

[b]Well, i couldn’t read it bcz I couldn’t find it online.. but don’t I deserve a quick advice from you rather than taking some time to read a book. Because if I take too long, things could turn out to be in the wrong way. so please help me[/b]

[Anonymous]

I bought Think and Date Like a Man.

[Anonymous]

Thank you April. Your advice is incredibly amazingly helpful — and compassionate. I have already bought one book and it is helpful too.

[Anonymous]

An update: Since then, he isn’t asking me out. Seeing him at the gym, I asked him for advice with speakers for an Ipod. A week later he went to an electronics store of a friend and bought me a small home system. Completely by surprise. We put it together at his house one Saturday afternoon. He asked if I was hungry and we ended up going out for dinner and he again paid. Then he drove me and the bike home again. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I said ‘maybe’. I asked him back and he mimicked me (‘maybe’) then said he was seeing someone and he decided they didn’t communicate well because she is Polish and doesn’t speak English well. I don’t know how recently. He mentioned at dinner I could ask him to do something sometime. A week and a half later a friend had to cancel visiting over the weekend because of a death in her family and I was left with an extra Broadway ticket to a Beatles musical for a show in a week and a half. I called him that morning and asked if he’d like to go. I knew he would have to ask someone to cover Saturday afternoon work. He didn’t say yes or no but clearly said he’d call me that night (Tuesday). He never called. I waited until Friday and asked someone else and they said yes. I ran into him at the gym on Sunday and said hi very very very briefly. He called me later (explaining he had to leave work and go home to get his phone which he had forgotten). He asked why I was so ‘serious’ at the gym and I said that you did not call me back and say yes or no. He said he forgot. He said he did get a guy to cover and I told him that I already asked someone else to go. I don’t really know what that means when he said he forgot. But really, does it matter? It seems to mean he just isn’t that into you. For my part, I realized I need the people I spend time with to be careful of me and this isn’t what I would consider careful. I have already decided to move on. But any observations would be helpful.Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you April. I feel I’ve had an epiphany within the last few days regarding what I’ve been through…I agree that this issue is larger than my relationship. I have much to do and think about. I appreciate your advice very much.

[Member]

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