[Anonymous]

Dear Jerry,

I ve read April’s reply to you. And I can somehow understand your frustration with it. I was in an verbally and emotionally relationship before and when one of my male friends said I had my part of “guilt” in it I had the same reaction. Nevertheless , now when I think back I can clearly say he was right.
Let me make it very clear to you : it is not your fault that he behaves this way . He is what he is and he won’t change. But most of our problems in life come from what we do and also from what we don’t do. And success too: from what we do and from what we keep ourselves from doing or saying. So having the courage to say NO is part of the responsibility we have towards ourselves. Most of the times we fear other’s reaction when we stand for ourselves and guess what ? We end up having the life and situation that is not our making but the result to our fear of not upsetting others. It is very easy to fall into this trap especially when love is involved.
Now , looking back at all those years it is obvious that my fault was simply not standing up for myself and what made me happy in the short or long term.
The question we should always ask ourselves is What is in this relationship for me ? And How is this person in his/her relationship with me ? no matter how amazing the other person is as a person or it seems to be.
When we let things happen we are setting the tone of the relationship , most of the times without even realizing we are doing that.
Our frustration comes from feeling powerless, and most of the times it is very difficult to see it on the spot when other people are pointing our mistakes.
Please , understanding this will make you stronger and give you a much wider perspective on everything in your life.
Both roads, of shifting the blame or the road of excuses are dead end , they make you feel powerless and they lead us to a life of dependency and frustration. I would really want you to understand that I am not blaming you here. Just have a look at the bigger picture. From now on no days of not being alert. Assert yourself. Sometimes, most of the times we have to demand respect through our words and actions and stand up for ourselves. We have to take responsibility for that. It has a very empowering effect.
Life changes for the better when we focus on solutions, after we acknowledged the problem.
Take very good care of yourself: invest in your health and good looks in your carrier and solidify your finances and always demand respect from others.
I wish you a great life and an amazing love life.

[Anonymous]

YEs you are so right. I have tried everything with her. Yes its hard to break up for one or more reasons. And i guess i care about her well being to much and her little girl who shows so much love. But i know i can’t suffer too. I just don’t unerstand how can this woman not show any love. ? I told her its becoming more of a friendship like relationship and she can’t reply or so its not. I truly thank you for your response. ITs like , its something missing in her heart. But can i say this?. At one time she told me she love her kids, but she don’t show them love. I say them because she lost her son this year and she didn’t show him love either. And i told over and over to show her kids love. I pray for her heart. She is the quite type of woman , don’t hang out or anything, just with me. When i tell her she don’t love me, she says she really does. I know she has an issue and thats disturbing. I would think since i have told her over and over that its not going to work when she is not responding to anything she would leave on her own without me putting her out. She has one family member her in louisiana and thats her mom. I guess she really expects me to put up with her no loving ways and just except her as she is without acknowledging how i feel. I will say this and close, she enjoys receiving love, but will barely give it. And thats what she told me a few years ago is that she was so use to receiving and not showing it back. Well its different with me thats for sure.. Again thank you thank you and i will do whats best for me soon……….. Victor

[Anonymous]

Wow, so you’re saying that my abusive relationship is my fault? Very sensitive of you. If I was getting my ass beaten, good to know you’d be telling me to take it in the body because I must deserve it. I just need to make boundaries, Im a child that doesn’t know how to say no? Here’s the first boundary, I’m definately not taking your advice, NO.

[Anonymous]

SimplySingle – Well what has helped me is I always stay aware of how the abuse and betrayal can affect me. In your case you know that you sabotage things. Well be conscious of that, and watch for it, when you find yourself thinking or want to do something, instead of acting upon it really consider the situation. Which is typically what I do. So when I feel something isn’t right I think long and hard about it, and work though things either by writing, thinking about them, talking to friends, ect. And quite honestly the only reason I have been thinking so hard about my whole situation right now is because it took my ex 4.5yrs to tell me he had doubts. I never want to do that to someone.

April – Thanks for the feedback, and it really what I was thinking, that this just isn’t going to work, and more and more it was the conclusion I was coming too. I just wasn’t really sure if it was real doubts or just me pushing him away. I just needed that reassurance that I wasn’t just throwing something away. Btw, I don’t feel that he would be able to take care of me, which was actually something else I considered as well.

Now I just have to figure out how to break it off with him.

[Anonymous]

IMHO, you can write a zillion letters if you want. The important thing is not to send any. 😉
Six months from now you’ll be glad you did not hit that send key.

Think of it this way: he has not earned the privilege of knowing your innermost thoughts any more. 😀

[Anonymous]

No, you should not go after him. I think you know that — but you just have to trust yourself. You say you don’t know if you “scared him off”, but seems like that might be the case — and it seems like you suspect that might be the case! 😕 Why are you doing that? You don’t have to! Because there is nothing wrong with a few days (it’s called anticipation) in-between contact when you are first dating someone. When he said he was going to have a busy week coming up, he was either telling you the truth or letting you down easy. You don’t know him well enough yet to know. When you didn’t hear from him for three days you called him, asked to call him the next day except he said he was busy with friends 🙄 , and then you called him the following day at a time that he told you to call. He wasn’t there. So now you are pursing him, not the other way around. And you are pissed at him. You kind of set it up so you get pissed because you extended yourself so much before you really know whether he is worth it. Plus, do you really want that outcome (he tells you to call him and isn’t there when you call and you get mad)?

You aren’t giving him a chance to pursue you. Not to be harsh, but he does not seem interested in pursuing the relationship now. But more to the point, you have to stop calling and texting him so you can see if he [b]is[/b] interested. 😯 Either way, (if he does or doesn’t contact you), you’ll know if he is interested. That’s a good thing. With little or no investment in anxiety, you’ll know. No, I don’t think you should go after him. You have been doing that and it hasn’t worked so far. It’s okay to let it go — be a little detached and curious and see what happens. If you don’t hear from him, then he’s not right for you. If that happens, it’s okay. Just take this info into the next dating situation.

[Anonymous]

First, you have a lot of courage and integrity. Your children come first, before you, and before any future relationship you may (and will) be in. Get a good divorce lawyer so you know what to expect of this process and so your wife does not steamroll over you. It sounds like you are no longer emotionally in your marriage. If you decide to leave it, you want to be able to see your children and you deserve to not have the other parent badmouthing you to the children. Those issues can be addressed in a separation agreement. People don’t change all that much and actions speak louder than words. Your wife has been running things for a long time and she will continue to expect her way through any change in your relationship status. hat’s probably how she feels “safe.”

Second, forget about the woman at work. You are not in a position to be with someone right now because you have more important things on your plate. Once you are safely and securely out of this marriage and have a fixed visitation schedule with the kids, and you know they are going to be okay, then you can start dating — casually. The woman at work is just your reminder that things in your life can be different than they are and you can do something about that. But she is a red light in terms of actual involvement (boyfriend, work colleague — no, no no!). You couldn’t have said it better — “I have to stand on my own.” Keep that phrase in mind as you go through this process. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

hi. first of all you are coming across as too desperate. i know in desperation some people do desperate things but i think you should cool it for awhile. you have made it clear to him how you feel and what you are willing to do to get him back. the ball is in his court.
personally i think the damage is done. even if he did want to get back together and try and make the relationship work, too many insecurities have surfaced and there is no taking back words or actions that have happened.
i think you should move on and continue to work on yourself and your insecurities. once you start loving yourself for who you are many people will notice you and want to be around you. confidence is very attracting. when you gain that confidence in yourself everything else will fall into place.
there are many men/guys/boys in this world and in time and with working on yourself and your self esteem you will meet someone that will treat you well and who you will feel confident with.
good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My friends all tell me that he was just playin me right from th start.never once did he take out out to dinner .. Even not for valentines day.. I dint complain much abt this because currently we are both workin on our residency files and are very busy.. However we wud meet up to hang out atleast twice a week. He called me to hang out with this guy friends.. I did this toward the start but when I realised he made time to hang out witht them but had no alone time with mw I stopped going.. When v broke up he told me its coz he lost interest in me n that I did not want to chill out with his guy pals… What a terrible reason.. One of his freinds told me that he showed some of my perSonal pikS that I sent only to him to Some of hiS guy friends.. Also with me hed fondle n grope me in public places n which I found very inappropriate n when I told him so he wud Get Annoyed saying that I shudnt have a problem as we are goin out.. I feel so used now.. I really feel like getting in touch with his new gf n tElling her about how he treated me .. Even the last few dAys before we broke up he kept telling me that he wants sex sex sex. . He dint feel like he wanted anythin elSe to do with me..I hAte him soo muchh..- know I still have feelings for him becauise of th fun tyms v spent together but I really want to screw up his life for using me this way. This iS one scar that I will never get past. Pls help me. Should I go ahead n contact his new gf?

[Anonymous]

LEt me say first I’m not tring to be offensive,How old are you guys??? I’m assuming young.
So, within two months of being with this guy you got pregnant? You didn’t know this guy and you decided to reproduce with him? Even if it were a mistake,There was no time to form a soild relationship. He’s probably overwhelmed.
Did you gain alot of weight? it would be expected after twins. It may have something to do with it.
More often then not, he’s stayed with you because he obligated to due to the twins. I would suggest preparing for a breakup .If you really care and want to maintain the relationship, go head, but don’t expects alot of good to come from this.
Just worry about yourself and your beautiful babies 🙂

[Anonymous]

Can anyone help me please 🙁

There was never any mention of no contact from him or me, so I don’t know if I should try talking to him or not. He had walked past me a few hours afterward, and I wanted so badly to talk to him but didn’t know if I should. One friend, a male friend, told me I should wait a day or so before trying to talk to him because he feels hurt and angry right now. Yet a female friend told me that if I see him to say hi or something.

I know I need to work on my trust issues,and I am. I know in my heart, without a doubt, this relationship can be salvaged, if he only gave me the chance to explain and he’ll see how much I do trust him and care about him..things between us would be so much better. We were so great together and I know it can be that way again. At the time he was breaking up with me, seemed no matter what I said he had made up his mind not willing to work through it, so does that mean there’s no way of trying to fix it?

I just don’t know what to do. I’m so confused because people tell me different things. I just know that if he gave us another chance things would be as they were in the beginning – happy, loving and carefree, but how and when do I try to reach out and attempt a reconciliation?…and more importantly, WHAT do I say, HOW do I say it ? Or do I wait for him to come to me since he was the one who wanted to end it? If wait too long, it may be too late, I don’t know.

Help? ><

[Anonymous]

To tell you the truth, it didn’t.

asking anyone out isn’t my problem, infact I can talk to girls kinda easily, exepct for when it comes to turning them down.

I’m acually just wanting to understand her bahavior is all.

I would like you to know I appreciate you taking time to answer my questions.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the feedback. though, i believe you got the wrong impression about my living situation. I do have a min wage job and everything…. I am also doing a 40hr/week no-pay internship. I just got done with college classes. I want to provide for myself, and i will be able to once i enter my career. I don’t want to live with another guy or girl. I am aware that me and my boyfriend have been together way too long. But for now I’m just doing what I feel is best/easiest. I actually do have a plan, eventho it isn’t the best. 🙂
My concern was more about how the ex’s intentions. I just thought it was very odd for him to chase after me, even tho I have a boyfriend and considering all those years. I don’t think he just wants to screw me, LoL. I’m sorta a prude ,so ya. He has never came out right and said anything like he wanted to be with me. It’s more like he’s testing the waters to see where I stand. We’ve danced around the idea in the past a few times before.
In the past, i belive he was a little embarassed of me a little, even though he cared about me. I was pretty dorky. Now I’m all grown up,honistally, I’m probably too good for him. He lives with his mom, LoL
When I talk to him he talks about his accomplishments and plans and what not. A few years ago I thought “I cant be with him if he aint even graduated High school” Then he got his GED. Then it was “well, he wont have a college degree” He’ll graduate next semester. And more recently ” But He dosent have a job” Well he actually just got a good one close to where I live.

Thank You!

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is the same person; as they both are nicknames inspired by my real name, which has a java sound to it. Thanks for the suggestions, and I will only use one from now on.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone who have spent the time replying to me.

I appreciate all of the repsonses.

When my wife first began escorting it was horrible knowing she was with other men etc, but over time it became the norm for us (im not saying i become accustomed to it, it became apparent to me that she saw it as her job). It was when she got the breast implants that the alarm bells began ringing, because it was something that she would have never had got done, and in my head i realised she was becoming a different person and was deep into the escorting world.

Clearly going along with her want to be an escort, and not being forceful enough, has led to our current situation.

I spoke to her last night about her ‘exclusive’ client arrangement. She told me she no longer saw herself as an escort, and he was no longer a client to her, because he is not paying her by the hour anymore, just a regular payment to her. I asked about the type of relationship she has with him, what he means to her, and she has told me that the sex they have is amazing and has got better and better over time and she loves the life he gives her when she is with him. I didnt know this until last night, but she has a bedroom of expensive clothes and jewelery at one of his houses. She is with him all this weekend.

As heartbreaking as it is, it appears i am being replaced.

[Member]

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