[Sally]

What this looks like to me isn’t a secret double life or some clear betrayal. It looks like fear. Long distance has a way of hitting people all at once, especially when the reunion suddenly feels real and close. Being apart, surrounded by new people, different routines, attention it can make someone panic about whether they can handle the emotional weight of staying connected.

Unfriending you and asking for space sounds like a moment of overwhelm, not a clean decision. If she wanted out, she wouldn’t have come back so quickly with warmth and affection. People who are done usually stay done. The back-and-forth points to confusion, not certainty.

That said, the whiplash matters. It shook your trust. You’re allowed to notice that. When you see her, don’t interrogate just talk honestly about how that moment made you feel and ask what scared her. Not accusing. Just real.
This isn’t doomed. But it does need clarity. Love can survive distance. It struggles more with unspoken fear.

[Sally]

Being busy is normal. Choosing not to make any consistent time isn’t. Eight hours of work doesn’t erase the need to show up for your partner. And calling you clingy when you’re just asking for one day a week? That hurts, and it matters.

You weren’t demanding. What you texted him was actually very reasonable. You weren’t asking to be his whole world. You were asking to feel like you matter in his world. That’s a basic need, not a flaw.

The bigger concern isn’t the new job. It’s that when you express how you feel, he dismisses it instead of trying to meet you halfway. Resting is fine. Seeing friends is fine. But consistently pushing you to the side isn’t.
You shouldn’t have to “learn to deal with” feeling unimportant. Love grows when both people adjust a little not when one person keeps shrinking.
Watch his actions more than his words. If you’re always the one adapting, that’s not balance.

[Sally]

Being a good guy isn’t the same as being chosen. It should be, but it isn’t. A lot of people pick what feels familiar, not what’s healthy. Chaos can feel exciting when someone hasn’t healed, even when it hurts them. That’s not about you being lacking. It’s about them being stuck.

Also, being stable, marriage-minded, and kind doesn’t always show well in bars and mixers. Those spaces reward confidence, flash, and edge, not long-term character. So you’re competing in the wrong arena.
You’re not unwanted. You’re just not flashy. And the right woman won’t see you as last choice she’ll see you as relief.
Don’t turn bitter. Don’t chase broken people to prove your worth. Someone steady will recognize you when the timing’s right.

[Sally]

She does feel something for you. That part was real. People don’t casually say I wanted to kiss you if there’s nothing there. But she’s also scared of what acting on it would change. So she told you the feeling, then immediately put a fence around it.

The timing matters too. She sent that after you told her you were newly single. That feels less like attention-seeking and more like her trying to get ahead of the situation. Almost like she was saying, I need you to know this exists, but please don’t act on it.

So no, I don’t think she was trying to friend-zone you in a cruel way. And I don’t think she was inviting you to make a move either. It sounds like emotional honesty mixed with fear.
Right now, the safest move is to let things settle. Don’t rush to define it. If she wants more, she’ll eventually make that clearer. And if she doesn’t, at least you know where the line is without crossing it.

[Sally]

A month isn’t too long, and you didn’t do anything wrong the first time.
From her side, leaving her number took courage. That was her saying she was interested. The coffee going “okay but quiet” doesn’t mean she wasn’t into you shy people often open up slowly, especially if they’re dealing with personal stuff. You also didn’t reject her; you just didn’t push for more. That happens, especially when it’s your first date.

What matters now is how you do it. Keep it simple and low pressure. Something like, hey, I was thinking about you and our coffee. If you’d like to grab another one sometime, I’d enjoy that. No apologies, no explaining the gap, no big feelings dump.

If she says yes, great. If she doesn’t or doesn’t respond, that’s your answer and you can walk away with your dignity intact.
Not reaching out will keep you wondering. Reaching out gives you clarity.

[Sally]

The problem isn’t that other girls exist or that he goes out. The problem is that he doesn’t protect your sense of safety. Following girls, entertaining texts, accepting nudes even if he didn’t ask for them that’s him leaving doors open. And when trust is already shaky, that hurts more.

Saying you have nothing to worry about while doing things that create worry isn’t reassuring. It’s dismissive.

You can’t control other girls. But he can control his boundaries. If he wanted you to feel secure, he’d shut some of this down on his own.

Pay attention to how you feel in this relationship. Constant anxiety is information. Love shouldn’t feel like you’re bracing for impact. If you don’t feel chosen or protected, that matters more than his words.

[Sally]

What you’re describing does sound like grief spilling over. Losing someone she was that close to can knock the ground out from under a person. Grief doesn’t always look like sadness a lot of times it shows up as anger, irritability, and pushing away the people closest to us. So no, you’re not imagining the switch. Something shifted in her after he died.

That said, here’s the part you need to hear: you’re stuck in a no-win position. When you act like yourself, she says you’re not affectionate enough. When you try to change, she says you’re pushing her away. That’s not because you’re doing it wrong It’s because she doesn’t know what she needs right now.

The back-and-forth, the breakups, the I-love-yous, then the anger when she sees your name? That’s someone who’s overwhelmed and doesn’t have the emotional space to be steady. Love might still be there, but stability isn’t.

You can’t fix her grief, and you can’t keep reshaping yourself to avoid setting her off. The healthiest move right now is real space not texting every few days, not half-together. Let her grieve without you being the emotional punching bag.

If she comes back, it has to be calmer and clearer. If not, this wasn’t because you didn’t love her right it’s because timing and grief took over.

[Sally]

This is a lot for one person to carry, especially after being sick and feeling abandoned. Anyone in your place would feel scared and confused.
Here’s the hard truth, said gently. He has lied to you. Not once, but more than once. And not about small things. He lied because he was afraid of losing you, and I believe that part is real. But fear doesn’t make lying okay, especially when your trust is already fragile.

The wedding cake topper thing matters because it poked the same wound. It made you question your reality. And after being in the hospital, on meds, stressed and alone, it’s completely possible you don’t remember that conversation clearly. That doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It means you were vulnerable.

What worries me most is this: you’re staying partly because you’re afraid to be alone and sick, and partly because his future depends on marrying you. That’s a lot of pressure, and it clouds trust.
Love should feel safe, not like survival. You don’t have to decide everything today. Slow this down. Your health and clarity come first. Trust can’t be rushed, and marriage definitely shouldn’t be.

[Sally]

He’s not taking the kids out just out of pure kindness. It’s also keeping a door open to you. You already feel that, which is why it’s bothering you. Your instincts aren’t wrong.
The bigger issue is this: consistency and safety for your kids matters more than his feelings or your guilt. They’ve already been through changes. Letting a man who doesn’t want commitment stay half-attached to their lives can confuse them and hurt them later.

It’s okay to protect your boundaries. You’re not being cruel. You’re being a parent. If he wants access to your life without responsibility, that’s not fair to you or them.
You can explain it to your kids in a simple, calm way. You don’t need to make him the bad guy. Just that things have changed.
Letting go now will hurt less than dragging this out. You already know what you need to do.

[Sally]

From what you described, she clearly cares about you. Spending hours together, opening up about life and relationships, telling you she’s glad your connection became more than just activity friends that’s not nothing. That’s emotional closeness. At the same time, it also sounds like she’s comfortable where things are, which is why it feels unclear.

The hardest truth is this: you won’t get clarity by waiting longer. Seeing each other once every month or two keeps things safe, but it also keeps them stuck. Confessing doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be simple and honest, like telling her you’ve started to feel something more and wanted to know how she feels.

You’re afraid of losing what you have, which makes sense. But sometimes not saying anything slowly hurts more than hearing a clear answer. Whatever she says, at least you won’t be guessing anymore.

[Sally]

Anyone would feel shaken by this, especially when trust mattered to you before you ever saw those messages.
Here’s the honest part. One “hey” by itself doesn’t prove cheating. But patterns matter. A secret app, deleting it without explaining, late-night messages to old connections those things naturally make your brain fill in the blanks. You didn’t suddenly become insecure for no reason. Something cracked your sense of safety.

At the same time, snooping is usually a sign that trust is already damaged. It doesn’t bring peace, it just feeds the anxiety. So this can’t stay unspoken.
When you talk to him, don’t accuse. Focus on how it made you feel. Tell him you saw those things, that it scared you, and that you need honesty to feel secure again. Watch how he responds. Not the words the tone, the openness, the willingness to reassure you without getting defensive.
If he cares, he’ll want to fix the trust, not brush it off.

[Sally]

A year and four months is a long time to still be waiting for someone to know how they feel. You’re not asking for a word just to hear it. You’re asking for the safety and commitment behind it. That’s reasonable.

What he’s saying about his past might be true. Some people are genuinely scared to say I love you. But here’s the part that matters more: you’ve been clear about what you need, and he’s been clear that he’s not there yet. Neither of you is wrong but that doesn’t mean you’re compatible long-term.

Avoiding the conversation won’t protect you. It just stretches the waiting. You don’t have to demand anything. You can simply say, I care about you, but I need to know if love is something you see yourself reaching with me, not someday, but realistically.
If he still can’t answer, that is an answer. And staying silent out of fear of being shot down will slowly hurt more than hearing the truth.

[Sally]

This is one of those fights that isn’t really about property. It’s about safety, control, and feeling heard.
Big financial moves should feel like a team decision, especially in a marriage. It makes sense that you’re uncomfortable with one person making a major investment when the risk touches both of you. You’re not wrong for that. At the same time, her saying she’ll do it alone sounds less like a plan and more like frustration talking.

Right now, you’re stuck because you’re arguing positions instead of fears. You’re worried about risk and shared responsibility. She’s probably worried about missing out or feeling held back.

Before lawyers or numbers, slow it down. Agree on one thing first: no big move until you both feel okay. Then talk through worst-case scenarios, not just best ones.
This doesn’t get solved by winning. It gets solved by both of you feeling safe enough to say yes or no together.

[Sally]

A break doesn’t always mean a breakup, but it does mean something isn’t settled for her. The timing matters here. Laughing all night, saying she loves you, then asking for space twenty minutes later? That’s confusion, not certainty. And the fact she checked in when she saw you out tells me she’s not fully letting go either.

This sounds less like she wants out and more like her old trust wounds are running the show. She wants reassurance, but also space. That’s a hard place to put you.
Right now, the best thing you can do is respect the space without disappearing emotionally. Don’t chase, don’t explain yourself to death. Let her feel what it’s like without constant access to you.
If it’s just a break, she’ll come back clearer. If it’s a breakup, pushing won’t stop it anyway.

[Sally]

First off, you’re not clueless. You’ve just been living real life, not dating apps and rule books.
This guy has always loved you, but he’s also always been scared. He wants you when it feels emotional and safe, then panics when real responsibility shows up. That didn’t change when you became a mom. It just got louder for him. Him disappearing before and then coming back softly now says a lot. He likes the connection, the comfort, the closeness without the pressure.

Daily talking doesn’t automatically mean he wants a relationship. Right now it sounds like emotional companionship, not commitment. And that’s the part you should be careful with, because it can keep you stuck.

If you want clarity, you don’t need to push. Just notice this: is he moving toward you, or just staying close enough not to lose you? You deserve someone who isn’t afraid to stay.

[Member]

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