What matters?

I am in the identical situation. I was dating a guy and realized I really loved him but at times felt paranoid about what other people thought of him and us together. He is black and has a son and I wondered what people would think of me being with him. He makes less than I do and lives in a not so great area. I felt at times like people looked down at me for being with him. It didn’t help that my family was violently against us being together. It might’ve also been my own prejudices too. I still really love him and cry most nights over my decision. I know that he was and is a wonderful human being who truly cares for me. We are still friends and I still consider him the one man I love in this world. He is a wonderful father. What do you think my problem is?

It’s really hard to give an answer to you…. I guess you have to figure out how much those things matter to you. I know I shift back and forth about a 100 times in one day over whether I should get back with my ex. I think we would have a wonderful life, but I wonder if the stress from my family and my issues with him having a son, will be too much for me in the end. A friend told me once, so what? You should still go for it and experience the love. Then there are other friends who say, well there’s more than just one person out there for you. I think it’s really a personal decision. Does it bother you that he’s less than great looking or does it bother you what other people think? I think true love is rare and so to let someone go and risk finding that again scares me. But if you think you can find someone better or more loving or more of a fit for you, then maybe you guys can take a break.

First of all, it’s not a great idea to get rid of someone you care about because someone tells you they’re not as good looking as you are. 🙄 Lots of extremely successful men would never win a male beauty pageant. In fact, some of the most attractive men in high profile jobs, aren’t really great looking by conventional standards. David Letterman, Jay Leno, Harrison Ford, Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld, Donald Trump — I mean, geez, these guys could (and do) get any woman they wanted, and not because they’re rich, but because they’re confident and they’re good at what they do, and they have charm. Some of them have senses of humor that trump good looks any day! Of course good looks and sex appeal never hurt any guy, but sometimes there are other things that make a man sexy beside his looks. These things can be intelligence, kindness, confidence, success, charm, sense of humor — and other things.

Some people have trouble seeing past appearance, but you would be doing yourself a big favor by learning to do so, even at your early age when there are so many people who are attractive, and haven’t been ravaged by years of stress, age, hard living, etc. Looks will only take you so far for so long, and then other things become much more important. Be[i] forward thinking[/i] in your judgment of your boyfriend. ❗

Second, just because your boyfriend doesn’t go to as prestigious a school as you do, doesn’t mean he’s not going to be more successful than you in the job world! Many men have dropped out of high school, but focused and worked hard, and became super successful, not because of their academic education, but because of their self taught education and their personal motivation. So ease up on the good school, bad school comparison. It’s snobby. 😕 And it’s not smart — ironically! 😮

If he’s not intellectual enough for you, then what have you been doing over the last 3 years? A romantic relationship doesn’t have to be an SAT score match.

The real glue, however, in any relationship, is respect. If you respect your boyfriend — because he’s a genius, or because he’s the kindest person you know, or because he’s loyal, or because he’s talented — whatever the reason, respect will take your relationship far, all other things being equal.

So if you’re afraid to introduce your boyfriend to your friends because your mother doesn’t think he’s good enough for you, ask yourself if he’s not good enough for you, or for her. 💡 She may be at an age when she’s regretting decisions she made, and is trying to correct them through you. (It won’t work — but she’s not the one writing me, you are.) You’re at the age where you are going to be expected to come down on one side or another of various issues in life. Make sure you live your life for you — not for anyone else. And if your friends don’t love your boyfriend, but you do, find new friends.

The beauty of life is you get to create your own. So do it wisely. Reconsider your boyfriend. He doesn’t sound that bad to me, and it does sound like there is a lot that’s good in him for you. 🙂

Let me know how things pan out.

Thank you so much everyone..haven’t been able to log on since a few days so sorry for the late reply.. I have decided that my feelings for him go much beyond superficiality and I should just stop comparing him and accept him as he is because that is exactly what he does. Thank u once again..I really appreciate the help! 🙂