About my cheating girlfriend, who I took back and cheated on, Really need advice

Forgive me for some curse words I may have used. I typed this whole thing on reddit for advice and it was a large story
The advice was horrible and I figured maybe you, April, would give me some solid advice

Im a 24 y/o male who was dating a 21 y/o female for about a year. I was in love with her, I think I still am and I know I need to get over it. We started dating in September of 2014. Our fights got bad mid January of 2015. Never anything physical from my side, maybe a slap or two from her here and there. But the verbal fights were pretty nuts. Well long story short, she cheated on me, from what she told me was twice, with her ex boyfriend. In march of 2015. I found this out through a text from her phone to her girl friend. She spent most of march and some of april seeing her ex boyfriend. I hadn’t found the text until June. In may I noticed something was going on with me down there and I confronted her, since she was the only person I had been sleeping with. She denied everything to the fullest, saying she hadn’t done anything, she swore to me up and down about it. But, obviously, I was skeptical. A week or two went by and she decided to text me at work telling me that when we were fighting in march she hungout with an old male friend, and she was drunk, and he tried to take advantage of her in his car, He was able to penetrate her and she slapped him and got away. I’m not gonna go into her whole fabricated story but it was so hard for me to believe, I questioned her constantly about it. Showing some real serious emotion, but still she would not budge from her story. I went to get tested as I said I noticed something wrong and a week later was diagnosed with gonorhea, she got tested as well and got the same result back. I was heartbroken, I didn’t believe her story at all but I stuck with her. In June I just couldn’t cope with that story anymore and she gave me the phone number of the kid who apparently took advantage of her. I texted ‘him’ and he went along with every single detail of her story, so I decided to lay off it for a bit, I believed her. Then one day at the end of June she was in the bathroom and I decided to look through her phone for some texts to some of her female friends. I saw some that caught my eye and started reading further into the messages. She came out of the bathroom and ran at me lunging at her phone, I, was there crying. trying to read more of the texts she sent about her ex bf to her friend, but she kept snatching at her phone, finally I gave it back and she kept assuring me nothing had ever happened besides for what she had told me about that one time back in march. I didn’t believe her at all now, I couldnt believe her. I told her to leave and she did, I remembered that the year prior her ex had texted me to beware of her that she would be back for him, I was telling him to fuck off and that she wasn’t like that. I remembered at the time I still had his number in my phone so I texted him, asking if anything happened. He told me everything about how she spent all of march and some of april going back and forth to his house but would never spend the night as she always had “work” work was obviously bullshit for “i have a boyfriend, so I can’t stay” apparently he thought me and her had split and he showed me texts from her and everything. I was fucking destroyed by her. I didnt know what to do, everything she told me was a lie. She fabricated a whole story and tried for a month to make me believe it. The amount of pain, anguish, and deciet she put me through was unbearable. I was miserable
We then spent a month apart, not talking, until one day in July I saw her car parked. Like an idiot, I left a note. It said “I miss you, ‘my name’ call me” Idk WHY I did that, she didn’t deserve me, I knew that, and so did she. But Love makes you do such crazy bullshit. The next day she texted me, we talked, and she promised to Prove her love to me and about what a mistake she made and that I was the man of her dreams, and bla bla bla, so I let her. Seeing her again made me happy, being with her made me happy, I didn’t know why I was happy to let some lying,cheating, manipulative slut back in my life, but I was. We spent a ton of time together and I have to admit in some aspects she did really try for me, to win back my trust. Even if some of the ways were out of the ordinary, and extremely unhealthy we both didn’t mind them. Anytime she went and did anything she would send me pictures and videos over text to my phone. I knew it was crazy and not how a trusting relationship should work but I let it happen. Its now august-september-october-november, and yeah we faught, we got sad, she tried to explain to me why she did what she did, and how she felt unloved by me and all that. I tried to take it in and assume some type of responsibility for it, but deep down I knew, yeah maybe at times I was an asshole, but I certainly didn’t deserve what she did to me. The lies, the deciet, the betrayal. She held an affair for a month and we werent even married. I did everything I could for her and then some.
I went to a party in october and I slept with someone, nothing popped in my head about regret, or how shed feel. More so I felt like ” fuck her, she did it to me, I’ll do it back” She was a pretty girl, unlike her affair. Not like that matters. I also had slept with a different girl a week before that, I dont know why, they dont mean anything, they never will. Despite what she did to me SHE meant everything to me. It was just hard for me to believe the same back from her. This past december, it mustve been around the 12th we got into a fight and I kicked her out of my apartment, It was bad. I told her how I fucked 2 girls in october and how I got her back. She left and we didnt really talk for a week. With christmas approaching, I texted her, telling her I missed her, she said the same, shared the sma eold bullshit ” I love yous, even though I shouldnt” texts. We’d text on and off up until christmas. I apologized, I know what I did was wrong. But I couldnt help but feel ” how can a girl who loves you do what she did to you” day in and day out. I knew it wasnt right to take her back and have her try her best to show me she loves and wants only me for me to go behind her back and fuck a couple girls. We havent talked since, its been another week, Making it 3 weeks since I’ve seen her at all. almost 4.
The other day my friend told me he saw a picture on fb of her kissing some guy, I knew thatd come, but I figured it was too soon. I was upset, obviously. I figure it’s just a way to get to me, maybe for me to see it and try to get her back again, since this time IM the one who cheated. But I’m not sure, maybe she is just trying to move on, maybe date a guy to get over me, or maybe it is to make me jealous. Even though hes not nearly as good looking, and looks kind of bummy, but I wont get into that. I want to move on but it’s incredibly difficult, I always think about her, and I’m sure she thinks about me too, she wouldnt stop saying how she was going to kill herself on new years, she usually bluffs about that kinda stuff, but she was persistant this time. I just dont know what to do, I wanted some advice from outsiders.
I know I shouldnt have even give her another chance back in july/auug but I did, I feel like she doesnt deserve to be with me. How can a girl who loves you “to death” betray you like that, and run you in circles with lies. If I didn’t give her that second chance I would be in a much better place riight now, since its been months. But now I feel like I screwed myself over giving her another shot.

What I want to really know is did she even deserve another shot in the first place after playing me like that? I now feel bad for what I did, but I can’t help but feel completely betrayed. I miss her so much, but I don’t want to anymore.

I feel like less of a man doing this :/