- This topic has 1 reply, 2 voices, and was last updated 15 years, 5 months ago by
April Masini.
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March 10, 2010 at 11:45 pm #2107
msviolet
ParticipantHi,
3 years ago, i broke up with the father of my daughter. He since then got married and I went on with my life. 5 months after being married, he and i began a 2 month affair. It didn’t last long though, after which, we broke off and i was left brokenhearted and crying over the hurt. I moved on (or so i thought), concentrated on my work and my daughter instead. I know for sure i was so over him. It’s been more than a year since I saw him, but 3 weeks ago, we both saw each other to work on some documents for our daughter. This is where my dilemma started.Honestly, I was excited to see him. I realized that I still have some feelings for him despite knowing he is married. When we saw each other, we both were awkward at first, but then eventually it was gone. It was like the old days. We had lunched, we talked and talked, asking questions here and there; questions about our friends etc. At first, we were trying to keep everything as platonic as possible. But then, i don’t know what happen, but something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen. Yes, we actually did it. I am not sure if we were both carried away or if both of us missed each other but all i know is that it was so worth it and I didn’t regret it at all. He was happy and didn’t show anything indifferent when he left. The thing that bugs me though is that despite what happened between us that day, the only email i got from him is to let me know that he’s ok and that he made it home safe. I was confused for several days. I was back to where i was 3 years ago. I was left alone coping up with the hurt and the feelings that i still have for him. I know he is married and that he and I will not have a future together but despite this I still can’t stop what i feel for him. What should i do? He is the father of my daughter, and i know, in the future, he and I will see each other again because of her. What happens if this “thing” between us is not over yet? Why do you think he keeps on doing this to me? Should I still keep hoping he does feel something for me despite him being married already? Please help me. Thanks!
March 12, 2010 at 2:38 pm #11685April Masini
KeymasterIt’s very difficult to worry about someone else’s feelings for you because feelings don’t always change behavior, and very often they don’t match behavior. So your ex-husband may feel love for you, but he continues to, for the most part, remain married to his wife and have an affair or a fling with you every so often in spite of or because of his feelings. What I would encourage you to do is to focus on your own feelings and your own behavior, because those, you can actually do something about! 🙂 It’s understandable that you have feelings for your ex-husband, but it doesn’t mean you have to act on them. In fact, most of the feelings we have during the day don’t deserve any behavior. You can observe your feelings without giving them any real energy. However, it seems that your unrequited love for your ex-husband is keeping you from moving on in your own life. Your disappointment that he is not with you, and wants to stay married to his current wife is bogging you down in an unproductive way.
What I would advise you to do differently is to start dating and looking for love outside of your failed marriage. If you find a man who wants to be with you and only you, and you develop an intimate relationship (and I don’t just mean sex, but genuine intimacy where you share feelings and values and life goals as well as your lifetime) with that man, you won’t be as interested in your ex-husband, and when you do see him, you’ll see him as someone who’s love for you and yours for him is a part of your past and not your present or future.
His marriage has not helped him completely move on from you, but yours with someone else, may. That’s my advice. I hope it helps.
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