Just married

It sounds like you don’t have children, but she does. Blending a marriage with children is VERY difficult, and the fact that her ex-husband has full custody of her children must make her feel very guilty — so much so that she is letting the kids manipulate her into removing her new last name from her Facebook account and taking down photos with you in them, as well as your posts.

Don’t give up just yet, but do prepare yourself for some work as you get through this bump in the road.

Your new wife doesn’t understand that she’s doing her children a disservice by taking down your surname from her Facebook account, your photos and your posts. It is much better for the children to know that she is happily married and that they are not being[i] displaced[/i] by you. Her daughters are most likely jealous that you have their mother and they’re living in a different state from her. That is a definite problem for the children, but taking your presence off her Facebook page isn’t helping the problem. It’s making her feel better in the short run because she is getting her daughters’ favor by doing what they want, but it’s not good parenting to allow children the power or ability to run the show. In the long run, it makes them MORE anxious. It’s much better for the children to be told and shown limits, and for them to come to accept the distance and unfortunate co-parenting situation between their mother and father, and to know as well that their mother is happy with her new husband who is welcoming them into HIS family. This is hard work for your wife, and most parents abdicate and pay the price in the long run, as do the kids. Children of divorce become master manipulators because parents feel guilty, but if your wife can understand what is BEST for her children, she’ll understand that having you present in her life is going to do the trick for all of you.

In other words, if the problem is really these children, then [i]your[/i] part in this is to bridge a relationship with them so they feel like you’re not a threat, and that you’re a bonus to them. I know this is hard with the distance, and the divorce situation they have, but you can do it. Send them little gifts. If they’ll talk to you on the phone ask them how school is, and how their dad is, and make the conversations SHORT and sweet. When you see them be on super great step-dad of the year behavior.

This is a tough dynamic and it’s lumpy because there are so many different people and combinations of dynamics, but with some patience and persistence, you can barrel though it.

As for your wife not giving you enough attention, my advice is to try and woo her a little. In other words, rather than take a poor me attitude and see yourself as a victim, consider making yourself more attractive to her in order to get her attention. This can be a simple make over, grooming project, attention to romance, planning vacations together, or a regular date night.

Keep talking to her and expressing yourself and listening to her expressions, and focus on the goal not the obstacles.