Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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We care, but we don’t want the same thing

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • August 14, 2010 at 11:38 am #2909
    jbgone239
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I have been casually dating this girl for the last couple of months. We are both 23 and have known each other for 5 years, just as friends and only recently have we developed a dating type relationship. I really like her and care about her. She feels the same way about me. We have both expressed these feelings to each other. But she keeps telling me that she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, she broke up with her boyfriend of a couple years back in December and before that she has always been in relationships. I want a girlfriend. I’ve told her that. I have never really had a serious girlfriend and I’m tired of just “dating” and being in casual relationships that don’t mean anything. We are both coming from two complete opposite sides here, I want something serious and meaningful and she just wants to be single.
    She told me that her plan was to be single but that she didn’t plan on liking me or having these feelings for me. She has told me that she is scared to get hurt and we have had our baggage as friends, ups and downs in the past, and because of those things I feel like she thinks I might end up hurting her. But to me all of that just takes time, and I am ready to give it time because she is an amazing girl and I love hanging out with her and always have. But the real problem for me is this.
    For me, when I have dated girls in the past I have always and only dated one girl at a time. I’m just a one woman at a time guy. She feels differently. She also doesn’t have sex unless she is in a relationship, but she told me that I could seek it elsewhere if I wanted to. I expressed to her that I had no intentions of pursuing anything with any other girl because of how I feel about her. I said that if there was ever a situation like that I would stop it. She told me that while she isn’t pursuing any other guys, if the situation presented itself she wouldn’t stop herself from hooking up. She told me that she feels as though if we only hook up with each other then we are in a relationship, which she does not want right now. So here I am questioning everything.
    I don’t understand how she can tell me that she likes me and cares about me and wants to keep hanging out, but then is fine with hooking up with other people. We’ve talked about how we want different things and maybe we should just stop hanging out like we are, but then she said she would miss me to much and doesn’t want to end anything. I’m so confused. And now she wants me to visit her down the shore where she is on vacation with her family because she wants me to meet her family and because she has said that they told her they want to get to know me.
    She does all the little things that tell me that we are headed down the road to a serious relationship, but then she will talk about hooking up with other people and just being single and I feel so down. I am getting frustrated because I thought we were headed down that road until she told me about hooking up with other people, but then she wants me to hang out with her family because she wants me to get to know them and because they want to get to me.
    I could really use some perspective on the situation. I do not want to stop hanging out with her, she makes me smile just by walking into a room and I would miss her a lot. But the situation she wants right now is driving me crazy because I want to be done with casual dating, I want something meaningful. Any advice or comments would help me a lot. Thank you.

    Jbgone239

    August 15, 2010 at 4:59 pm #14550
    crazed-driver
    Participant

    To cut it short. You want a relationship, she doesn’t. She wants to “hook up” with randoms, you want a relationship. She doesn’t want to stop seeing you completely and you feel the same. Therefore all I can think of here is, stop dating her, but see her just as often as mates. Go out with other women as mates, but don’t let her know that they are mates unless she asks you direct because if she asks, it shows she does want a relationship with you. At the moment it sounds like she’s leading you on and keeping her options open at the same time and by asking you to visit her family, it seems that she either sees you as a very close friend, but she’s getting her feelings confused or she wants you as a bf in the future, but wants her familys approval first. I could be completely wrong, would love to see Aprils and other peoples views about this.

    August 16, 2010 at 12:57 am #15321
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    [b]Crazed-driver[/b] gave you some spot on advice. 🙂 Simply put, she’s not that into you. 😕 You want what you can’t have, so you’re trying to trick yourself into believing there’s something wrong with her logic or that she’ll somehow come around to what is right for her — according to you! 😆

    Put yourself first and foremost so that you can attract someone with similar goals. If you want a serious girlfriend then only date women who want a serious boyfriend. I know you like a lot of things about her, and she’s a five year friend, but she’s not Ms. Right because you don’t want the same things.

    Think about if you went to a restaurant and really wanted a steak, but instead, you ordered a chicken breast because the restaurant didn’t serve steak and the whole time you’re eating your chicken, you’re trying to convince yourself that this meal should really be steak. Well, unless you leave the restaurant and find a steakhouse, you’re never going to get a steak.

    This woman is not what you want, so stop seeing her altogether if that’s the only way you can get over her and move on, or else see her only as a friend, as [b]crazed-driver[/b] suggests, if you can see her JUST as a friend and consider other women as your future Ms. Right.

    I hope that helps. Please join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a free member at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

    August 16, 2010 at 11:51 am #15284
    jbgone239
    Participant

    I appreciate the advice from both of you. April, maybe it is true that she doesn’t feel the same way about me even though I’d love for it to be that she does. But do you really think she doesn’t care? Or that she isn’t really that into me? It’s hard for me to see these things as being true, but like you said, it could just be that I am to close to the situation and that I’m trying to trick myself into believing that there is something there when there really isn’t. I agree with crazed-driver in that she wants me to meet her family and all so that they can tell her if they approve because she does see me as a guy she wants to have a relationship with. But it does all come back to what you said April, I could just be trying to convince myself that there is something there. Please let me know what your thoughts are about this family vacation she wants me to visit her on, I feel like it is a good thing because it points to the fact that she cares enough to have her family get to know me, but I don’t know how to handle the situation, because I may not be viewing it without letting my emotions get in the way.
    jbgone239

    August 16, 2010 at 5:48 pm #15265
    crazed-driver
    Participant

    If you like her that much and you do go to meet the family. Try letting the family know how much you like her, etc. Otherwise you’d jus fall into the friends category and thats how the family will see you as. You should go out as mates with other girls, but dont tell her what they are to you,m unless she asks you out straight. Then see how she reacts. If she reacts calmly, shes not that into you.

    August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm #14840
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Sometimes talk is cheap, and when you start discussing “the relationship” instead of having one, you run into all kinds of [i]academic[/i] problems instead of real life problems. Right now you’re talking about a lot of [i]what if[/i] problems that haven’t really happened yet, rather than forging ahead, and being the guy who goes after the girl. The game you have isn’t working, so my overall advice is get new game and run your program so it works for you!

    You’re philosophizing about what she means by what she says — which is great if you like reading philosophy, but not so great if you want to get a girlfriend.

    Read Date Out of Your League, a book for men who want to get the girl. It will give you all kinds of SOLID advice for making her yours — if she’s yours to be had. Right now, you’re being too wishy washy and women want confident men who know what they want. Here’s the link for the book. I think it will help you a lot: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

    For now, I’d skip the vacation and put an end to the “friend” dynamic in your relationship with this woman. Instead, spend the time reading the book. When she gets back from vacation, launch a full on campaign to dial up this relationship from ho hum friendly to romantic. 😎

    I hope that helps. Let me know what happens — and join me on Facebook!! Here’s the link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

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