April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › problem with inexperience
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Crimson_King.
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September 1, 2011 at 4:33 pm #3712
Crimson_King
Participant[b]Male virgin at age 38?[/b] hi,
….just a quick question. I am aged 38, hetero, healthy (except for this dam*ed Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis recently) and I have never had a girlfriend, or had a sexual xperience, or actually seen a naked woman in real life, or kissed someone, or held hands, or been on a date as a matter of fact.
I have been “rejected” (sometimes nice and sometimes not-so-nice) by about 100-120 women over the last 20 years.
They say things like, “You’re so sweet, I think of you as a friend”, “Oh, I don’t think of you THAT way”, or “I like you, I just don’t LIKE-LIKE you, understand?”…….several women have called me a “sociopath”, “schizoid”, “Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde”, “anti-social”, “creepy”, “A-whole”, “idiot”, “re-tard”, “freak”, “Satan”, “I hope you die alone!”, etc. etc. etc.
These days (for about the last year and a half), I spend all day and all night in bed under the covers listening to AM talk radio crying and crying, and frequently wish for some form of cancer. Whenever I see a couple walking down the sidewalk holding hands, or pushing a stroller with their child, or in a car in the next lane over, I break down completely and need to hide my tears from the other drivers.
Any suggestions?
(BTW, I have been in interpersonal therapy for many years and am taking Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Remeron….have a BA in European Philosophy and French Literary Theory- Poetry, but no job {EFF this economy! lol}
hey, does that qualify as what they call a “loser”? I don’t quite understand that word, having NEVER used it to describe myself; however, others (mostly men) have called me a loser and usually make fun of me or laugh and say “What the H is wrong with you?”….perhaps they are correct in using the word “loser”? can ANYONE on this stupid internet answer that question??
Are there women (of any age over 18) who don’t mind dating a 38-year-old who has NO experience whatsoever, a complete virgin? Or is that out of the question?
September 2, 2011 at 11:25 am #19896April Masini
KeymasterYou’re definitely not a loser. And your problems are fixable. 😀 My first piece of advice is to work on getting a job. One of the things women look for in a man, especially in your age group, is not his potential, but his ability to be in a committed relationship. If you’re unemployed, it’s a lot harder to picture you as a boyfriend, husband and father of her children. So, I know the economy is challenging, but you’re obviously very bright and educated, so you’re going to beat out a lot of other men in line for work because of those two assets. Make getting a job a first priority.
I know that you’re focused on your lack of dating and sexual experience, but in order to be Mr. Right, you have to have a job. There are lots of women in their 30s and 40s who would love to date you, if you’re employed, bright, funny, attractive enough (physical appearance is not as important as confidence and a sense of humor to mature women), and ready to be in a committed relationship. Your lack of dating and sexual experience are a lot more curable than your unemployment! So I hope that sets your priorities straight.
Next, I want you to buy and read, Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win with women. Here’s the link where you can purchase the book as an automatic downloaded e-book:
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] After you read the book, if you still have questions, I’d love to answer them for you.
I hope this helps — you have a bright future with women, but you have to do the work required to get to that future.
😉 Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini [/url] 😀 September 12, 2011 at 9:51 am #19992Participanthi april, thanx for the encouragement and positivity. however, i have been told to “get a job” for years now, and it’s not as though I have
[i]never[/i] had one. I worked for years at a variety of jobs, mostly public and academic libraries; some of these jobs have paid fairly well and have lasted for extended periods. But I was still rejected.Perhaps you didn’t notice that I mentioned about 100-120 rejections?
Now i know exactly why so many men out there “fear” rejection…….
[i]it actually hurts just as much as they think it will.[/i] How do you explain over a hundred women? I have become almost completely numb over the years, (this doesn’t help the Asperger’s Disorder, incidentally) and it is
[i]extremely[/i] difficult to muster forth any kind of “positive thinking” or “pro-activity”. I have cried my eyes out far too many times, April, I lost count a LONG time ago.You said that there are women out there who would “love” to date me, but even when I was working full-time and living independently for months at a time, I always came and left the bars or clubs alone crying as I walked to my car in the parking lot.
Someone told me recently, “you can turn things around once you stop thinking of yourself as a victim”…….
well, not to be a hopeless cynic or anything, but……isn’t there a
[i]real distinction[/i] between “thinking of oneself as a victim”, and actually BEING a victim? Aren’t there actually real victims of one sort or another in this world?I cannot deny that there actually
[i]might be some REAL victims[/i] out there, as well as those who are guilty of “self-victimization”…….Take the Jews and the Holocaust………irregardless of whether or not they “perceive” themselves as victims, the fact remains that they actually were victims.sincerely,
MattSeptember 12, 2011 at 10:03 am #19993Participantdear april, sorry, but i wanted to ask you if it is strange for me to obsess about the horrors of women who are known as “promiscuous” or “sl**s”, to be vulgar.
I find myself thinking ALL the time about another man’s “you know what” being up inside a woman that i might meet someday. I have heard that that stuff can stay in there for
[i]days, perhaps weeks.[/i] I feel like vomiting when I think about it, but my tactic is to plan to tell the woman to clean herself out before I touch her.Is that irrational?
Also, I feel nauseous when I think about how stretched out, flappy, loose, and deformed a woman who has been intimate with many men might be if I ever had sex with one.
THAT is really gross! I am afraid that she will laugh at me or say something like, “Whenever you’re ready”, if I am already “in there” if you know what i mean. That actually happened to someone I know. !!
Are these irrational fears/obsessions? Or is there something to them? A couple of men have told me about it, and I suddenly became anxious about it a few years ago.
Thank you,
Matt
September 13, 2011 at 4:12 pm #19964KeymasterHi Matt: It really doesn’t sound like you want my help. 😳 I gave you two pieces of advice and you ignored both of them.When you’re ready for help, I’m here, but if you want to stay in your problem….. I can’t help you.
🙁 Write me again after you read the book, Date Out of Your League,
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] 😉 You can also follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
[url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini [/url] 😀 September 14, 2011 at 7:33 am #19943ParticipantDear April, I apologize in advance for starting a kind of on-going dialogue here, but…
I am baffled as to why one would think that I “don’t want you help”, or that I “ignored you”. And slightly hurt by that, actually. I wouldn’t have originally written and responded to you if I didn’t want your help.
😉 Perhaps I didn’t communicate properly (Asperger’s anyone?)
I have been vigorously seeking attempts to find a job for almost 2 years; have submitted 100s of apps recently, daily in fact.
The problem is:
1) i am currently on legal probation for a drug related offense from several years ago, so have a visible record.
2) my credit score is right now somewhere between 40-50 points. I have heard that more companies are performing background/credit checks on applicants
3) i have been told by several potential employers that my resume history is “flimsy” at best. I cannot even seem to get hired at McDonald’s actually.
4) everything in done online these days (no paper applications) and when I send an app/cover letter by e-mail, with follow-ups, no one ever responds.These are NOT excuses of course for “wanting to stay in my problem”, like you said.
😕 Secondly, I am worth about 85 cents in the bank right now and am living with mom on food stamps, and unfortunately am unable to purchase your generously-priced book now or in the near future. Sorry. But it is on my current reading list. Is your book at public libraries?
But my motivation has gone up thanks to your advice. Thanx!
🙂 p.s. Are you a licensed therapist or an MD/PhD in Psychology? Just curious.
[quote=”April Masini”]Hi Matt: It really doesn’t sound like you want my help.
😳 I gave you two pieces of advice and you ignored both of them.When you’re ready for help, I’m here, but if you want to stay in your problem….. I can’t help you.
🙁 Write me again after you read the book and after you take the job hunt seriously!
September 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm #19940KeymasterThe reason that I think you don’t want help is that you keep offering up excuses for not getting a job — [i]which is something women find attractive in a man[/i] — instead of looking for solutions.😳 You’re also so committed to your feelings you put them first and foremost instead of focusing on fixing your problems. And now, you’ve not only offered excuses for not working, but you challenged my expertise by asking for credentials, rather than taking the advice I gave you:1. Focus on your job search.
2. Read Date Out of Your League,
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] I do not have the advanced degrees you inquired about, and this is a free service that I’m happy to offer you, and my other readers. I hope you’ll remember that advanced degrees are great, but since you know first hand that you have a BA degree —
[b]and no job, no money, no home, no girlfriend, a criminal record and a rotten credit score[/b] — sometimes a degree is just a piece of paper that tells you where you’ve been and what you’ve done. It isn’t a assurance or badge of success! Many people without any college or even high school degree become successful in real life because they are motivated and driven to succeed. There is no substitute for showing up and doing the work. You should really re-think the the idea that an advanced degree or any kind of degree means life success — or good relationship advice!😉 Since you’ve now admitted that you have a criminal background, are living with your mother and are on food stamps because you are broke, it’s apparent your relationship problems should take a backseat to your real life problems. In order to be in a successful relationship, you have to have your own act together first. Stop looking for excuses. Asperger’s is not an excuse for not working. And frankly, you keep touting rejection by 120 women in 20 years as some kind of pity award winning record.
😯 In my book that’s only 6 rejections a year.😯 That’s nothing! People in successful relationships know that rejection is part of the dating game, and are more than willing to allow rejection to be guides in finding Ms. Right — rather than excuses for weeping in the car.🙁 )[i]You have to work harder and think outside the box you’ve put yourself in.[/i] If you don’t want to work harder, or change your inner dynamics, then expect more of the same.🙁 Your problem isn’t relationship inexperience — it’s attitude. Decide you want to be a winner, and re-strategize your life. Get out of bed and stop crying. You DON’T have cancer, and you have a lot going for you. Stop focusing on what you don’t have. Focus on what you do have — and how to get what you WANT to have. If online job searches don’t work, pound the pavement in person. If your resume is flimsy, re-write it. I know this is a tough economy but you have to find a way to address your problem productively, not be making excuses for your situation and lashing out at me — and others.
😉 Your feeling hurt by my advice is something you need to address as well. I understand you feel hurt by my advice because I’m not telling you what you want to hear, and you’re taking that personally even though we don’t know each other. I hope you can try not to let your feelings stand in the way of progress. Those who are the most successful in life, have suffered rejections — and learned from them. When something hurts your feelings, figure out WHY you’re hurt, and what you can learn from the information rather than stopping dead in your tracks because your feelings are uncomfortable.
😀 September 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm #19991Participant[quote=”April Masini”]The reason that I think you don’t want help is that you keep offering up excuses for not getting a job — And now, you’ve not only offered excuses for not working, but you challenged my expertise by asking for credentials, rather than taking the advice I gave you: [/quote) Oh my God! I am SO sorry for “lashing out” at you……I actually don’t remember the lashing part, but I wanted to know exactly who I was talking to here. April, it wasn’t a judgment on you, k? I feel horrible and sad thinking that i lashed out at you.
Remember you told me that the fact that I have an advanced degree would allow me to “beat out” other men who are in line for certain jobs? ……..i took that as an act of encouragement and support……I thought, “Hey, perhaps this Degree will help me get a fine job”…….is it really just a piece of paper that tells us where you have been, but doesn’t mean as much as you told me it would?
here are the relevant quotes:
“So, I know the economy is challenging, but you’re obviously very bright and educated, so you’re going to beat out a lot of other men in line for work because of those two assets”
“I hope you’ll remember that advanced degrees are great, but since you know first hand that you have a BA degree –[b] and no job, no money, no home, no girlfriend, a criminal record and a rotten credit score[/b] — sometimes a degree is just a piece of paper that tells you where you’ve been and what you’ve done. It isn’t a assurance or badge of success! Many people without any college or even high school degree become successful in real life because they are motivated and driven to succeed. There is no substitute for showing up and doing the work. You should really re-think the the idea that an advanced degree or any kind of degree means life success”
also:
“Stop looking for excuses. Asperger’s is not an excuse for not working.”
April, I don’t remember using my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome as an excuse for anything…….can you remind me?
here’s one more:
And frankly, you keep touting rejection by 120 women in 20 years as some kind of pity award winning record.😯 In my book that’s only 6 rejections a year.😯 That’s nothing!i should tell you that I was completely high on vein injections of heroin and cocaine for 10 years plus, basically “brain dead w/no libido at all” and i never talked to any woman. So, technically, that 120 rejections only encompasses 9-10 years, not 20……i forgot about the addiction period of no activity…..so, actually, we are talking about 12/year average, not counting the years I never asked anyone out.
Sorry, one last point,
if you know anyhting about Asperger’s Syndrome, you might realize that ……quote:
“When something hurts your feelings, figure out WHY you’re hurt, and what you can learn from the information rather than stopping dead in your tracks because your feelings are uncomfortable.”
Asperger’s cases have difficult problems with just that kind of learning…..they just don’t see it without help……..serious help..
September 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm #19974KeymasterYou’re still doing it — making excuses and diverting your focus instead of doing the work required to be in a relationship — and get the experience you want! 😉 I can help you only as much as you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, do the work, and help yourself.😀 September 15, 2011 at 1:04 pm #19960Participant[quote=”April Masini”]You’re still doing it — making excuses and diverting your focus instead of doing the work required to be in a relationship — and get the experience you want!😉 I can help you only as much as you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, do the work, and help yourself.😀 [/quote] hi!
can you do me a favor and tell me what the difference is between an “excuse” and an “explanation”?
September 15, 2011 at 1:09 pm #19911Participantwe’re talking about 20 years here (ten of them completely brain-dead on opium and cocaine, 10 on the rigors of reality and “emerging” into consciousness from the haze of heroin) …….can you walk in my shoes for about a mile and see the “baggage” I have?
Everyone always says, “oh, baggage…….just dump it”
WOW! three little words……sounds easy doesn’t it.
Well, talk to Freud about that one…….But I need some relief, April……..seriously considering some method of suicide.
September 16, 2011 at 9:52 am #20046Participanthi April, Are you even reading my posts? or are you just “skimming over”, “scratching the surface” to find “excuses”?
(20 years)…….I have had a number of good jobs, making enough $$$$$$ to live on my own, buy cars, pay the bills and expenses, eat well, achieve some independence, etc…….but I could never secure a date. I began to hate women after awhile, misogyny in excess……..It’s only natural, if you trace the development, i think any frustrated man would.
therefore, I figured it must be something OTHER than having a job that is the problem.
I keep hearing that I am NOT taking your advice…..but, I have had jobs before, eh?……and many many men have giving me tips, that ended in embarrassment actually. I don’t wan’t to talk about those moments, ok?
Asperger’s Syndrome is a kind of “explanation” for decades of strange behavior…..not “excuses”
(i don’t really even know what an excuse is, actually……..you keep using that word “excuse”, but I don’t understand at all)
Are you one of those people who believe that there is NO SUCH THING as Asperger’s or Autism?
I just need to know this…….if so, then I will cut off contact now, because there is a level of ignorance.
Remember, Asperger’s is usually diagnosed when a child is aged 3-10………
……..I was diagnosed at age 33…..hmmmm…..plus, the Psychologist @ the methadone clinic in 1996 claimed that one NEVER sees Asperger’s cases at drug abuse methadone treatment clinics……weird, eh?
September 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm #20039KeymasterFor help with suicidal tendencies, please call or visit your local police, hospital or doctor [i]immediately![/i] September 28, 2011 at 11:29 am #20162bmarez
ParticipantHello, I know I’m reading this a little later… but I agree with April. Finding a job can take awhile sometimes, especially with your criminal background. Might I suggest that during your time unemployed you volunteer your time with a local charity? It would put you out there in the community, you’d meet new people, and when you interview for your next job… it would look pretty good on a resume instead of saying you were sitting at home crying in self-pity. An Employer is looking for someone who is stable and confident… and at this point you are not.
Also, many community’s have courses that help you learn how to snag a job. They give pointers on building resumes and how to conduct an interview. My sister was recently out of rehab for drug charges and has some misdemeanors on her record and she found this class very helpful.
You definitely need to prioritize your life. No woman is going to be drawn to someone who makes excuses for his life or lives with his mother. Like an employer, they want someone who is stable and confident. If you take the steps to improve your situation, women can overlook past indescretions as long as you have learned from them.
There IS someone out there for you… don’t settle for just anyone who would jump in the sack with you. Virginity is something special… and waiting this long already, you don’t wanna ruin your first experience. So get your life straight, and THEN the women will come to you.
🙂 September 30, 2011 at 1:39 pm #20143KeymasterWhat GREAT advice, [b]bmarez[/b] !😀 -
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