April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › Is he interested?
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February 17, 2011 at 5:19 pm #4120
relationshipa1
KeymasterI am a woman in my mid-50’s. I was attracted to a guy (50’s) who works at my gym. He is Spanish-speaking (I am not). We would chat casually when I came into the gym, about biking and other fitness topics. Last August, he was walking by my friend’s house as she and I were outside on her front porch having a glass of wine one Friday evening. At her insistence (she knows him longer than I do from the gym), he stopped and had a couple of glasses of wine with us. I am attracted to him. Anyway, this past December, as I was leaving the gym one day, I asked him if he would like to get a coffee sometime. He asked for my phone number. About four days later he called and left a message. We ended up going for “coffee” which was a really two glasses of wine and sharing a pizza and appetizer at a nice bar across the street from the coffeehouse where we met. When he first came into the bar with me he told me he was really glad I asked him and that he does not speak English that well and was nervous. He said he has only Spanish-speaking friends. We talked and laughed and had a really good time that evening. I was pretty surprised by it. He insisted on driving me and my bike home (I had ridden to the coffeeshop at 4 pm). He hugged me when he dropped me off. He insisted on paying and it was about $60 (for coffee). Anyway, I asked him again about a month later because he did not follow-up and ask me. My pre-text was that I wanted to reciprocate (when we were having “coffee” he had mentioned several Mexican restaurants in the neighborhood and that we should go to one). He said yes with a big smile and seemed happy that I asked. We went, he again paid ($130!), explaining it was for the man to pay, etc. Again, we had a really nice time. The next time he asked me to go for dinner. We ended up going to a movie and dinner and again, he paid. He got a car service and we went back to his apartment. He showed me his apartment, and some photos of his family and friends. He told me I could stay there as he had a spare bedroom. I said no and he said he was just kidding. We joke a lot and have fun. We went for a walk and he was kidding trying to throw me in the snow and commented that we were like “teenagers.” He drove me home. There has been no physical touching at all except I held his arm when we walked to the restaurant and later in the evening he held my arm the same way (slippery icy sidewalks). He has not tried to kiss me at all. He did extend his arm at dinner so that it was resting on the table about two inches from me and I then held his hand. But he hasn’t initiated anything except hugs. Lately, he texted me Happy Valentine’s Day and can I pick you up from the airport the next day (I was in Florida visiting family for 11 days). He picked me up at the airport and we went for dinner after he asked if I wanted to get something to eat. We went to a German restaurant he found because he knows I’m studying the language and he teases me about the sound of German. Then he dropped me off and left the car engine running while he handed me my suitcase. The next day I called him and thanked him for picking me up and for dinner. He said by way of welcome, “we’re friends.” That night he emailed me a photo of myself that he took at the restaurant. I am interested in having a boyfriend. However, he seems like he isn’t interested in more than friends. Should I dial this down and just be friendly at the gym and let it go? February 18, 2011 at 12:35 pm #19365April Masini
KeymasterI don’t agree — I think he is interested in you, but he’s moving a lot slower than you’re used to moving. He’s already told you he’s a little nervous asking women out — but that didn’t stop him from dialing things up and taking you out and acting like your boyfriend. He hasn’t made a move yet, but I think he will. He just wants to be really, really sure. In Think & Date LIke A Man,
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] I think this guy might be really great for you because you like him, he likes you, he’s very clear on his role as the man, and he’s challenging your ideas of a relationship. My advice is read Think & Date Like A Man, and stick with this relationship.
Let me know how things go — and I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
[url]https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url] March 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm #19411Anonymous
ParticipantAn update: Since then, he isn’t asking me out. Seeing him at the gym, I asked him for advice with speakers for an Ipod. A week later he went to an electronics store of a friend and bought me a small home system. Completely by surprise. We put it together at his house one Saturday afternoon. He asked if I was hungry and we ended up going out for dinner and he again paid. Then he drove me and the bike home again. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I said ‘maybe’. I asked him back and he mimicked me (‘maybe’) then said he was seeing someone and he decided they didn’t communicate well because she is Polish and doesn’t speak English well. I don’t know how recently. He mentioned at dinner I could ask him to do something sometime. A week and a half later a friend had to cancel visiting over the weekend because of a death in her family and I was left with an extra Broadway ticket to a Beatles musical for a show in a week and a half. I called him that morning and asked if he’d like to go. I knew he would have to ask someone to cover Saturday afternoon work. He didn’t say yes or no but clearly said he’d call me that night (Tuesday). He never called. I waited until Friday and asked someone else and they said yes. I ran into him at the gym on Sunday and said hi very very very briefly. He called me later (explaining he had to leave work and go home to get his phone which he had forgotten). He asked why I was so ‘serious’ at the gym and I said that you did not call me back and say yes or no. He said he forgot. He said he did get a guy to cover and I told him that I already asked someone else to go. I don’t really know what that means when he said he forgot. But really, does it matter? It seems to mean he just isn’t that into you. For my part, I realized I need the people I spend time with to be careful of me and this isn’t what I would consider careful. I have already decided to move on. But any observations would be helpful.Thank you. March 16, 2011 at 12:56 am #18003KeymasterWell it sounds like he’s interested in you, but he’s lazy and not good boyfriend material. Your observation that you want people around you who are careful with you, is a good one. I have no doubt that if you wanted to date him, you could, but it would be on his terms — not yours. And those terms would include his calling you back when he felt like it and not calling you back when he didn’t — without regard for manners or respect. Sometimes men will like you, but they’re not going to be good boyfriends. That’s what you’ve got here!
You’re right to move on. Let me know how things go. In the meantime, I hope to see you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
[url]https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url] 🙂 March 16, 2011 at 9:09 am #17869ParticipantThank you April. Your advice is incredibly amazingly helpful — and compassionate. I have already bought one book and it is helpful too. March 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm #15892KeymasterI’m glad I could help. Which book did you buy and read? March 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm #19347ParticipantI bought Think and Date Like a Man. March 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm #18841KeymasterThat’s great to know! 😀 February 11, 2013 at 11:42 pm #26176jade
ParticipantFast forward to October 2012. We began seeing each other every other week, perhaps, due to work schedules and other commitments on both our parts. I had so much fun and was excited to see him when we got together. We were intimate after a couple of months. Now we have been seeing each other about three and a half months. Recently though I haven’t felt too happy because I have feelings for him now and am feeling that I need more connection than once a week with not too much in between. So I decided it would be better not to see him any more. I went to collect something I had left at his house – he offered to drive me with it home after i had asked him to leave it at the gym where he works and i would get it there. he never responded to that request so i called and he offered to drive me home because it was too big to walk home with. When we met I was distant and he wanted to talk and so we did and I told him I needed more connection and he asked what we could do to fix that and I said emails or seeing each
other for a walk or something in between. He said yes and took my hand and generally started to respond by making plans the next night and calling a little more and responding more to emails.Now his daughter is visiting from Mexico for a week and I met her for dinner last week and I think it went well. At least I told him she was really great and he said she said the same thing about me. But now I am out of town and he called the next day after I met his daughter to say goodbye because I was going away for a week and he said let’s keep in contact. Now I am away with family and his daughter is visiting until Thursday. Since I left Sat morning I haven’t heard a word from him. Not a text, email or phone call. Should I stop seeing him completely and end it or am I being unrealistic about what I want – a committed connected relationship? Is he not into me? Should I stop seeing him completely or date other people at the same time – without informing him of course. Should I move on?
February 12, 2013 at 12:03 pm #26083KeymasterThe theme of your posts is that he’s moving too slowly for you — but he always gets there! Before you throw out a good man because you haven’t heard from him in a few days…. 🙄 re-read Think & Date Like A Man,[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] 😉 [quote]Should I stop seeing him completely and end it or am I being unrealistic about what I want – a committed connected relationship? Is he not into me?[/quote] You’re being a little unrealistic. Since things are going so well after three and a half months of dating, you went on a week long vacation four days ago, and he’s got his daughter visiting the whole time you’ve been gone, and until Thursday (in two more days), it’s disappointing that he hasn’t contacted you, but it shouldn’t be a deal breaker when all else is going so well.
😉 [quote]Should I stop seeing him completely or date other people at the same time – without informing him of course. Should I move on?[/quote] If you want to date other people at the same time, the three month mark is, in fact, the time when I suggest you decide if you want to continue dating this person or not. The six month mark is when you decide you want to be exclusive. So, if you feel you can do better, then you should try. But don’t do it because you’re feeling vindictive. Do it if you feel he’s not Mr. Right — but frankly, so much is going well, that it seems this is a small thing. I don’t think you should move on, completely, because of this.
😉 [b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend![url]https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url] [/b] March 3, 2013 at 4:10 pm #26448ParticipantThank you April for your recent answer. My follow up is that last weekend he referred to me as his girlfriend. We were having dinner at my house. We were intimate after then he left to prepare for a bike ride we were doing together in the morning at 8 am. We rode that day 45 miles, then he suggested coming over to my house to shower and hang out. We watched at little TV then he suggested we be intimate. We did but he couldn’t as he said “finish the job” because he kept getting leg cramps from the ride. He left as it was a work day the next day. We stayed in contact all week by one line emails. But no phone contact. Since I had asked him in the bike ride and dinner the night before (the dinner was a day of invitation spontaneous after he joked about me fixing him dinner but the bike ride was planned from Wed or Thu) I was hoping he would ask me to do something this weekend. He even texted me good morning early Fri morning. But since I didn’t hear from him asking to do something I planned to go on a bike ride Sat with my bike club friends and one on Sunday too. He never asked me to do anything over the weekend. So We texted Sat before the ride and he was at work as usual and texted where are you because he expected to see me at the gym for a class. I told him I was riding and he said be safe. After the ride I texted him at 6:30pm how are you? and he responded that he was cleaning. I teased that my apt needed cleaning too. He responded Hello Mornings I work. nightimes I clean. I responded yes you work hard. Day and night. We always use emoticons with our emails and texts so I used the kiss that we have both used at times. No response. This morning I decided not to ride so I go to the gym for yoga class and find out he is working today. He usually has Sunday off. We exchanged pleasantries as if we were acquaintances not lovers let alone possibly boyfriend/girlfriend. No request to see me, nothing. I know actions speak louder than words. Is he pulling back? I don’t know what is going on but am disappointed in him not asking me to do something this weekend or at least communicating that he had to work. Again, I’m talking to a girlfriend and concluding with her help that he’s not right for me. I want to be with someone where the relationship grows. Can you advice? I’m not trying to jump the gun but there have been 5-6 times over the past 4 months where I told myself I should be trying to date online because I wasn’t happy with the emotional connection. I know we’re different nationalities, income levels, educational levels, plus he has no working papers or driver’s license. I really really like him so this is hard to decide to stay and accept less than I want or go — which would require telling him the next time he asks that I already have plans and I hope he’ll doing well (in other words, not having the talk and keeping it light). March 3, 2013 at 5:44 pm #25201KeymasterIt’s great to see your history in one place, because re-readng it, it’s obvious that after a year, you’re still lukewarm on this guy. You’ve had the same concerns for [i]an entire year[/i] now, and it’s time for you to understand that he’s a nice guy with some very nice qualities, but he’s not your Mr. Right.[quote]Is he pulling back? I don’t know what is going on but am disappointed in him not asking me to do something this weekend or at least communicating that he had to work. Again, I’m talking to a girlfriend and concluding with her help that he’s not right for me. I want to be with someone where the relationship grows. Can you advice?[/quote] For an entire year you’ve been unhappy with his pace. You’ve been wanting more than he is giving you over and over. I’ve advised you — go back and read my advice, but you’ve always taken your own path, and it keeps bringing you back to the same place: here. When you’re ready to move on, you will — but you’re wasting time with someone who isn’t your Mr. Right.
😳 [quote]I’m not trying to jump the gun but there have been 5-6 times over the past 4 months where I told myself I should be trying to date online because I wasn’t happy with the emotional connection. I know we’re different nationalities, income levels, educational levels, plus he has no working papers or driver’s license. I really really like him so this is hard to decide to stay and accept less than I want or go — which would require telling him the next time he asks that I already have plans and I hope he’ll doing well (in other words, not having the talk and keeping it light).[/quote] I see lots of men and women on this forum, having trouble breaking up with someone because their feelings dictate one course — but they’re not compatible. That’s what’s happening here. You may like him — but you keep complaining about him.
😮 If you stay with him, you’re going to keep coming back here to try to get me to help you — and you won’t take my advice, and you’re going to stay in the same vicious circle you’re in now.[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url] [/b] March 4, 2013 at 9:59 am #25200ParticipantThank you again for your response — even though ouch. I hear you. 😳 But where I am confused is that I don’t feel like I am lukewarm about the relationship. I feel like I am a bit afraid to show him how I feel because he seems lukewarm. I am crazy about him. For the first time in like forever I finally found someone I really really really like to spend time with. We have the same drama quotient. We have fun. We like to do the same things. I am crazy about him not lukewarm. The problem is I feel like he is lukewarm about me. He doesn’t ask me to do things — I ask him mostly — and I NEED to feel that he wants to be with me. But he isn’t showing those signs. He referred to me as his girlfriend last weekend. He never reached out to ask me out this weekend or to tell me he had to work. He pulled back. He treated me like an acquaintance at the gym. I am trying to be smart about this so I don’t get hurt. I REALLY don’t want to give up on the relationship. What is the thing I need to do if I want to keep trying? Is trying not realistic given your previous answer to me — that he’s not my Mr. Right? Is there something I can change in my expectations to make this work? Can I learn something from this relationship to be a better partner?March 4, 2013 at 12:51 pm #26121KeymasterFor an entire year, the pattern has been the same — you want more than he’s giving you. You keep coming back to me complaining and trying to figure out what to do because of this difference between the two of you, and you keep not taking my advice…. and coming back with pretty much the same question over and over again: How do I get him to do what I want him to do when I want him to do it? 😳 I’m not trying to be harsh, but I do want you to see what you’re doing and change your pattern.😉 I know you told me you own
[b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b] ,[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] 😉 If you’re pretty clear that after a year he’s lukewarm on you, then why would you stay? In other words, if what you want is a committed relationship that will lead to marriage, and you’ve said you want someone who is careful with your feelings, and you’ve got a guy who is lukewarm, and who you feel doesn’t really ask you to do things or spend time with you unless you do the asking…. it should be clear you’re not going to get what you want.
I hear from lots of women like yourself who are obviously intelligent and successful, but who make mistakes in relationships and dating because they hold onto a few good qualities about a guy and miss the forest for the trees because they don’t see that he’s not going to give them what they want. That’s why in Think & Date Like A Man, I tell women to treat dating like a business, play the numbers game, and be crystal clear about what they want, and then go for it, not wasting anyone’s time with someone who’s not Mr. Right.
[quote]What is the thing I need to do if I want to keep trying?[/quote] Is this a trick question? If you want to keep trying, just keep trying. Do what you’re doing. But you’re going to stay in this pattern you’ve been in….
😳 Trying is easy. Winning is difficult. I would, however, advise you NOT to ask him out or invite him to do things. You’ll get a much clearer picture of what he wants from you and in a relationship. You’re clouding the picture by enabling him, and fooling yourself.😳 [quote]Is trying not realistic given your previous answer to me — that he’s not my Mr. Right?[/quote] You’ve been trying for a year now. And after a year, you’re still complaining about his not giving you what you want, and you’re being too afraid of rejection to show him how you feel. And you say he’s lukewarm. Again… this must be a trick question.
😉 [quote]Is there something I can change in my expectations to make this work?[/quote] Yes. Be more realistic. Be clear on what you want and what’s actually going on.
[quote]Can I learn something from this relationship to be a better partner?[/quote] This isn’t about being a better partner — it’s about dating smarter.
😉 Re-read[b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b] ![b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url]https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url] [/b] March 5, 2013 at 1:08 pm #26760ParticipantThank you for your advice. 🙂 -
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