Boyfriend/son’s father could it really work?

I apologize in advance for this being long winded but I really feel like you should know the whole situation to get a window into our personalities. I am very interested in hearing what you have to say on the matter.

So my boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 2 and a half years although even during the “off” periods I hadn’t been with anyone else and am fairly certain he wasn’t either because of reasons I will get into soon. We met through a mutual friend. He was 30 and I was 18. He had never been in a relationship before that had lasted more than 6 months to a year and said he was looking for something “real”.

Things were going really well at first. We saw each other everyday since the day we met and we talked about everything. In this talking about everything he told me that he NEVER wanted children. I was only 18 and wasn’t sure if I definitely wanted children or not so decided I was fine with that and if I ever wasn’t we would cross that bridge when it came. I told him we would be very careful but also made it clear that had I fallen pregnant that I didn’t believe in abortion.

Well three months after the beginning of our relationship I became pregnant due to failed contraception. He took it fairly well at first, almost more of denial until it began to sink in. He said he was not at all happy but it appeared that he would be staying with me. He stayed with me the next couple months and turned mean. He pressured me constantly to get an abortion and finally when it was past the date of a legal abortion in my area he left me. He said I was too immature for him. He said he would still be there for the baby and to call him for the important appointments.

If I were a stronger woman I might have left because of him constantly telling me to have the procedure but I didn’t grow up with a full family and always wanted one so I guess I clung to him. Looking at it from his perspective though he did still say that he would support myself and his child despite him having been so adamant about not wanting children so I guess that’s respectable, right?

Anyway, I sat at home and cried over him for about a month. I was so distraught over loosing him. I never called him though because I knew if there was a slim chance of us ever getting back together I needed to give him as much space as possible. So after a month I called him to tell him about my next ultrasound and he said he would go. We went to the ultrasound and found out the baby was going to be a boy. He was so excited when we left a few days later he wanted to get back together with me.

We continued dating for the rest of the pregnancy although I we only saw each other once or twice a week because I always waited for him to call me so I didn’t put too much pressure on him. We stopped sleeping together about my 6 or 7 month in and he started acting very weird again. Trying to convince me to put our son up for adoption which I quickly dismissed.

We broke up again about a month after my son was born because I could tell he wasn’t interested in me or was confused or something so basically I offered to break up with him to relieve him and he accepted.

After we broke up he started coming to see me more often, to the point of everyday. He began asking me out to dinners/movies etc. I always accepted but never pressured him or asked him where we stood. When my son was about 6 months old he asked me over to his apartment and told me he wanted me back and wanted us to all move in together and be a family. I was over the moon! I kept my cool ofcourse though.

Fast forward. I am now 21, he is 33 and our son is 16 months old. I am living at his parents house because my old environment was inhabitable and we are still together and due to move in to our new place in 2 weeks.

THE PROBLEM IS he shows me no intimacy. We hardly EVER have sex. I’d say once or twice a month at most. He doesn’t touch me all that much either and I am a very affectionate person. I have tried talking to him about this, telling him how neglected I feel and also have concerns of infedelity, not because he is ever absent. He always answers the phone whenever I call him, never hides where he is going and has even offered for me to check his phone ( which I declined because I am not like that) so he is not acting a guilty party.

Finally he told me he is actually scared of sex with me now. He says its not worth the risk of getting me pregnant again. I am heartbroken. I am worried one of us will eventually break down. I also have a feeling his sex drive has diminished because of medication he is taking ( he has bi-polar disorder) and he doesn’t want to admit it because he is embarrassed.

Also. He has a friend (she is a mutual friend actually) that he talks to on occasion and I have this stabbing feeling that he has feelings for her. I don’t mind him having female friends but she strikes the wrong way. She was very flirty with him when we first started dating but he put a stop to that. I caught him “checking her out before” and he just looks at her differently. He never used to when he put a stop to her flirting but for the past year or so she has made me very uncomfortable. He swore up and down he doesn’t have feelings for her but she always seems to be the first one he tells about a party or get together we are going to. He sits and talks with her most of time we are there as well. He doesn’t flirt with her but is definitely more “friendly toward her then he is his other female friends who I have no concern about. I guess my first question is do you think he has feelings for her or will he cheat with her? She is a very nice girl with a serious boyfriend and sometimes I fear the only reason he hasn’t is because she is with someone. Another thing I forgot to mention is that he seems overly interested in her relationship status. Her boyfriend and her broke up temporarily and he was like , really? When? And actually smiled. It drove me crazy on the inside to see how happy he was that she was single.

Onto the next issue. He seems really excited to move into together he says we will do things more and our sex life will improve but how can I believe that. I believe that moving in together won’t solve any relationship issues. I believe that takes communication and effort. We are so different in terms EVERYTHING. We are day and night but get along very well. Our affection and communication styles are so different though and I am hoping this is a barrier we can cross.

Is the age difference going to be an issue or is it surpassable as long as we have the same goals in life? Do I have to be concerned about this girl, what can I do about it? Should I trust him that our intamacy level and sex life will be better once we leave together or should I get some solid affirmation that this just isn’t talk.

I love him and our son dearly and he turned out to be an amazing father and provider. We have similar goals in life and he is working on being more open with me. He has a hard time expressing himself, especially with his disorder. I put so much effort into the relationship and don’t want to give up but sometimes I am so exhausted and am so scared of getting hurt. I have bad abandonment issues. Can we make this work or have I for too long been barking up the wrong tree.