Lost my virginity to a friends with benefits situation

Hello April I am a 21 year old college student living in California. I just recently lost my virginity in January. It was an agreement I came to with a guy who happened to be an old friend of mines little brother who is a year my junior & also quite the ladies man. And of course we started the whole thing under the pretense of fun I wasn’t looking to enter a relationship & neither was he however, I wanted to lose my virginity & I figured he would be the perfect person to give it to seeing as I’ve known him for awhile & he is a pretty stand up guy (not to mention he’s very well endowed) also I felt as if I had waited so long (I was quickly approaching my 21st) that I had the right to take an untraditional route in the way I lost it, you see I’d remained a virgin for so long based on preference it just happened that way because I preferred not to have sex with anyone no religious reasons or sacred reasons behind it. I was proud of myself & I felt like what the heck! why not indulge! I’ve found someone I’m vibing with & even better, we’re friends already & have been for awhile. So we began having sex & it was awesome. I thoroughly enjoy sex with him. I’ve always watched porn & I think because of it I’m more open to a lot of things sexually I’m inexperienced but I’m experimental. Whats great about him sexually is that he allows me to be that experimental inexperienced newly de virginized young woman without judging. But we also began doing things that your ordinary friends with benefits probably wouldn’t do like date nights & pet names. Things were going well. Then a friend of mine Informed me that he seen him at a wing restaurant kissing some girl & not only that but he frequents the same place with the same girl. After this I was too through with him, but why? He wasnt my boyfriend. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, I myself also had another guy on the side(double standard I know). But I couldn’t help but feel hurt I guess I thought after all the time we’d spent he’d feel a little something for me after all I wasn’t galavanting about the town smacking lips with ol what’s his face. So reluctantly I ended it. A couple weeks later we met, talked it out & things were right back like how they were, only this time I came back sporting new feelings on my sleeve. We picked back up where we left off, seeing each other everyday however not always having sex, sometimes he’d just wanna cuddle. He’s slightly different in that sex is not a necessity for him. Sometimes he just wants to sleep by me or talk. He says it’s because he derives pleasure from other things besides sex. It’s just a bonus. Idk how true or how full of bs that statement is but whatever. Since then I’ve struggled with my feelings for him. I told him how I felt & how unexpected these feelings were. Then I asked him if he ever saw himself with me like a relationship not now, not even in the near future but at some point. & he couldn’t even tell me that much. Only that he was open to the idea of a relationship but not right now he said he wanted to focus on Track & work & school right now. That woulda been fine except I wasn’t saying RIGHT now. I was displeased with this answer to say the least. I took it as yeah I’m open to the idea of a relationship just not with you. After that I stopped talking to him for a month & a half because I called myself quitting him cold turkey but of course flash forward to now I’m back messing around with him. 50% my feelings 50% Great sex. The idea of cutting him off completely frustrates me but the idea of just messing around with him (it’s been 8 months now) for almost a year frustrates me more. Also I find at this point in my life having a significant other around in times of emotional distress can be necessary. I’d love to have someone who’s just there for me. Especially right now. But he can’t be that person. I know that he’ll be hurt if I were to just pop up with a boyfriend but what other position is he putting me in?? Help April!
Sincerely, The Wayward Virgin