Newly married but unhappily so

How long did you date before you got married?

Okay, so you’re 42 and dated your husband for almost 3 years before you married him, and have been married for 2 years. The problems you’re having in the marriage are probably not [i]suddenly[/i] new ones — I’m betting that you saw them, or signs of them, while you were dating, but from the way you’ve written it, you were so focused on simply marrying that you didn’t focus on financial compatibility or getting to know each other financially, besides what was on the surface. 😕

However…. now that you’re two years in, it seems like your problems have to do with a lack of financial transparency and financial planning as a couple, and you feel that he’s not generous with you financially. You say that he’s started calling you names in front of his mother — I’m not sure what type of names he’s calling you or what the context is — but this is new behavior, and he probably feels unhappy in the marriage in the same ways you do.

The problems you’re mentioning deserve some attention because they’re fixable if you’re willing to do the work. 😉 Financial issues are very common and it sounds like there’s mistrust in addition to the lack of transparency. I think you have to be very good natured and open minded when you ask him to address financial planning for your future together. Try to sit down together and decide how you want to spend your money — separately and jointly — and how you want to save and what you want to save for. This will take a series of maybe a dozen conversations just to get started! It’s a big topic and it’s important and it requires understanding, flexibility and openness. You’ll have to come to a series of agreements on how you want to handle money — and these agreements should be addressed at intervals throughout your marriage.

As for getting him to be more generous, instead of criticizing him, consider how you can get him to want to spend money on you. 😎 Men want to feel like they’re your heroes. They want to feel like they’re taking care of you. Your part in this is to let him know what a great job he’s doing, and how grateful you are and how this makes you happy with him. Of course…. it’s a lot harder to do this when you’re feeling angry, but if you want to try to get him to change his behavior, the best way to start is to change yours. 😉

I hope this helps!

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You have to decide if you’re writing here in order to talk yourself into separating, or if you want ways to work at your marriage that you haven’t thought of before. If you do decide to work at the marriage, understand that discussing money isn’t just one conversation. Or two. It’s a series of conversations over the course of your lifetimes, that become just as common as discussing what you’re going to have for dinner. Money in a marriage has to be managed the same way your food does! Also, don’t assume that he thinks the same way you do, or that he can read your mind. He may not know what makes you happy or what you want, so you have to tell him — even when you think he should already know! 😉

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I don’t disagree with him about the counseling — you can usually get a better result if the two of you work things through together. 😉 Check yourself to make sure that when you tell him how you think or feel, that you’re being open in the way you articulate your feelings. Use the “I” word — for instance, “I feel depressed when we talk about money because I don’t feel like I’m getting what I want,” is very different than saying, “You never meet my financial needs.” You see what I mean? Also, remember that men want to fix things, and if you give him a problem he can fix, or even present it in a way that the two of you can fix it together, he’s going to be a lot more receptive, and happier about you, himself and the relationship, than if you give him an unfixable problem. I think that if you really try to wrap your head around things, and understand that being open minded, generous and accepting of the way the two of you communicate, you can get through this together. 😉 But it isn’t going to be easy — it will require work.

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You’re very welcome. Good luck.

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No doubt, counseling can be helpful for you and in many cases it works. But It depends if your husband really wants it to work. If he can try to change himself and work on issues, I’m hopeful your relationship will be better than before. But If he’s not willing to improve himself or can’t control himself, you’ve no choice left but to leave him. Here are some effective ways to be happy in a relationship[/url] hopefully will be helpful for you:
1. Honesty is the key factor in a successful relationship. If there is lack of honesty in a relationship, it is very difficult for it to last longer. So make sure both of you are always honest with each other.
2. Try to spend quality time with each other whenever you get a chance. Plan a romantic dinner, movie, hiking trip or picnic at the weekend. Try to do things that both make you happy just like the earlier days of your relationship.
3. Being a good listener also helps to improve a relationship so listen to your partner’s problem and give him good advice.
4. Always be open and honest with each other and don’t hesitate to convey your feelings to your partner. This way he will know that what kind of things make you uncomfortable and what issues he has to work on to improve the relationship.
5. Discuss you problems with patience and always respect each other’s opinion.
6. Finding things activities or common goals that you both love to achieve also helps in bringing you together.
7. Another important thing you can do is give each other space and “me time” every now and then.
Hopefully these tips will be helpful for you.