[sunshine111]

I went on dates with this guy and on our third date, I slept with him. Although I knew it might be too soon, I had sex with him because I just wanted it and he did seem like a really nice guy. (He was nothing but a gentleman the whole time)
After that, his text was “Hey sexy.. how’s it going?” and I just answered it cool and asked him what he was upto. His message was “Not too much, just thinking about how I want you in my bed again.”

I mean I didn’t like that text AT ALL. Just because we had sex, is it normal to talk like that at 2pm? I told him jokingly that’s not the way you talk to a lady. He just said he was just being honest.

We did talk about other stuffs after that but I just can’t help but feeling like sex is his main focus. If that’s true and I don’t know if I want to see him again.

How do I behave myself when I see him next? Should I not have sex for a while? or am I overreacting?

Also, I never initiate sending him texts. Is this considered normal in dating scenes at the beginning?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re overreacting. You decided to have sex with him on the third date, and he sent you a sexy text after that. He didn’t do anything wrong. (And it doesn’t seem like you did, either.) It’s a little hypocritical for you to have sex with him, but then chastise him for sending you a sexy text. In fact, many women would feel badly about the sex if the guy didn’t acknowledge that he really enjoyed the sex with them.

As for the future, wait until he asks you out on the next date. If the date he’s planned is a nice one, and not all about sex, then you’ll know that he doesn’t see you as [i]just[/i] someone to have sex with. But he is interested in you sexually, and you can’t fault him for that. The differences between the two of you when it comes to texts and talking about sex, are really differences that you should be able to compromise on. Remember — you’re still getting to know each other after only three dates, so be open minded and keep your eye on the ball: Is this Mr. Right or not?

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[sunshine111]

So I took your advice and went on a date with him 3 more times after that. (6 dates so far)

He has always been a very gentleman whenever we meet. He always pays for dinner even though I insist that I pay, picks me up at home as well as dropping me off. He is so considerate in every way and I feel like he really cares about me. Also, we met through online dating site and I found that he changed his status to “unavailable”.

The problem is when we dont’ see each other, I am not sure if he likes me or not. He doesn’t text me often. At the beginning he initiated texts and asked me out. (not that he texted me everyday or maybe once every 2 or 3 days). Before the 4th date, I was really busy, so I sort of told him that I was busy that weekend and I think he felt a little rejected at that time. He basically said he got stuff to do that weekend as well although when I told him I could meet him quickly for early drinks, he said yes. So I put an effort to be more friendly to him when texting after that.

Last time I met him it was Friday which I thought that we had a great time. But he didn’t texted me until I texted him on Tuesday! And his replying texts were not anything intimate. ( A lot drier than usual) To me, this doesn’t seem normal if a guy likes a girl. I mean what about sending me a text to say he had a great time especially since we had sex.

The last guy I’ve dated almost always initiated texts for 7 months. He was a very out going person, so it was easy to tell how he felt about me. He always gave me so many compliments and always told me how much he enjoyed seeing me.

This guy I am currently dating is a bit interverted, so I am not sure this is how he is or he simply is not that interested in me. I mean it is entirely possible he just wants a regular sex, in which case, I do not want to be part of that. I am not asking he should ALWAYS initiate first but since it’s still early in a relationship, I don’t want to be the one who ask for a date just yet. Since I intiated text on Tueday, I am not going to send him a text first again. I am just really confused whether he likes me or not. On one hand, I feel like he is playing hard to get for whatever reason, on the other hand, I feel like he is not that into me. Do you think his lack of texting and agressiveness to pursue me is a sign?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, he likes you. 🙂 If he didn’t, he wouldn’t take you out, pick you up, drop you off, pay for dinner, post his online status as unavailable, etc. Second of all, let him pay for dinner — don’t insist on splitting things. When you do that, you take away his masculinity and his feeling good about having done something nice for a woman. Men want to take care of women. Don’t stop him from feeling good about himself when he’s with you. 😉 There are many ways you can reciprocate, from cooking dinner for him to picking up tickets to something special now and then. But let him be the guy. Third, he sent you a sexy text, and you clearly gave him the message that you wanted to be more business like. 😕 He’s looking for reassurance that you feel sexual about him, too. It sounds like you’re putting too much of an equality/business-like spin on things, then getting upset when he backs off as a result. Sex isn’t just about the bedroom — it’s about flirting, anticipating and feeling like you’re part of his life even when you’re not with him.

You’re looking for insurance that he’s in this for the long run, and it’s too soon for you to get it because either you’re both getting to know each other and this is his normal (or not), or he’s not sure, and he’s testing the waters to see if you’re someone he wants to continue dating. I know you’re trying to protect yourself, but my advice is to take a risk and if you like him, show him and don’t chill things between the two of you just to make sure you don’t get hurt. Relationships are risky to begin with — but so is walking outside or getting in a car or a plane. Take a calculated risk by understanding that when he texts you about sex, AND he’s doing all these nice things for and around you, he does like you enough to continue dating you — and he’s trying to figure out if you’re Ms. Right.

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[sunshine111]

I really appreciate your advice. I want to believe that he is into me but I have my serious doubts now, here is why.

Last Friday, he sent me a text message early in the morning saying ” I miss you”, so I replied ” I miss you too.” then he said his friend from out of town is visiting him, so he won’t be able to see me this weekend but he wants to see me next week. He obviously knows that I am expecting to see him sometime during the weekend even though I didn’t ask. I just felt like he only said ” I miss you” because he felt bad that he wasn’t able to see me during that weekend. I was suspicious of his “out of town friend” although I just said ” have fun”.

Following Monday, he sent me a text asking when I can meet him. So I told him earliest I can meet him was Saturday. ( I am 100% sure he wanted to meet me during the week. ) It took him a few hours to reply my text saying he has to go to his parents’ lake house during the weekend !!!!

To me, this is a red flag. Although we did meet on Fridays couple of times, I feel like he is lying to me. I have no intention to meet a guy who is not willing to spend the weekend with me. I just told him ” That’s ok, I will meet you sometime after you come back.” with smily face on although I was NOT smiling.

By the way, I found out he is no longer a member of online dating site we met through. I guess I am very confused by it.

Please tell me what you think and let me know how I should handle it from now on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is to lighten up. 😉 You’re taking this all too seriously. If he says he misses you, why not take that at face value? And I don’t know why you’re suspicious that he’s got weekend plans. Lots of people make plans on the weekend. The two of you are single and dating — not married, so I’m not sure why you think you have a lock on his weekends. 😕 But, if one of your requirements for dating someone is that they have to spend weekends with you, then you’re really limiting yourself. 😳 This is a guy who actually has an interesting life with friends and family obligations, so if you really mean it that you’re not going to date someone who won’t spend every weekend with you, then you should move on and not waste your time.

However…. I think you’re really just afraid of getting hurt, so you’re making up all these rules — about his having to spend weekends with you; his not meaning what he says and suspicions about his weekend plans. And sending him a smiley face, when you’re feeling angry is passive aggressive behavior. 🙁

It really seems like you have too many rules and regulations for this guy, and instead of accepting that he’s not following them and moving on, you’re staying with him, and getting angry at him. Eventually you’re going to blow up at him. If you can’t accept that this may or may not work out (like any relationship you try out), and that your responsibility in dating is to find Mr. Right by figuring out what you want, what you offer, and only dating men who are compatible, you’re going to continue to feel confused and angry. 😳 And I don’t think that that’s what you really want.

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[sunshine111]

Oh man, I wish I read your reply earlier. I was soooo sure that you would say he is not that into you..
I guess I got it all wrong. When I read your book, (Yes I am a big fan!) I thought girls are supposed to decide how they would like to be treated especially at the beginning. I don’t really have rules or regulations, all I have is experience. From my experience when a guy like a girl, he will do anything to make time for her during the weekend. one weekend away is totally ok but 2 weekends in a row???

You were right I have been building up this resentment towards him and I sort of blow up at him today. 😳 After sending him the text ” no problem, I can meet you sometime after when you get back,” knowing that he wanted to meet earlier during the week, he sent me a text saying ” lame!!!!! What, are you so busy this week to see me?” He knows that I am super busy during the weekdays ( I work full time+ go to school at night) and I just felt like he wanted to fit me in his schedule rather than being considerate.

So I replied to him saying ” you know I finish school after 9 everyday and I get super tired afterwards, I am sorry.” then I felt like what am I sorry for? Why is HE making me feel bad? He did that before as well when I refused to see him during the week, so I had to drag my tired self to meet him. So I sent him another text ” wait a min, you are the one who is busy during the weekends, I will take my sorry back, thankyouverymuch.”

I think I blew it. Don’t think he would contact me after.. I mean what is he going to say after that? What do you think I should do? Should I let him get away like that? or should I send him a text in a few days or so? I don’t know what to say after that…

P.S. you are right about me defending myself not to get hurt I guess I can really see myself really liking this guy later on…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Until you accept and deal with your fears, you’re going to continue to sabotage relationships. 😳 Every time he’s expressed interest in you, you’ve found something wrong with the way he’s doing things. And while it’s good your realize WHY you’re behaving this way, until you change your own behavior, expect more of the same. You’ve put up this hard shell to protect yourself, and it’s not serving you.

Decide that you are responsible for what you do and say, and stop telling yourself that he is MAKING you feel certain ways. 🙄 C’mon…. I can’t tell you’re smarter than that. But smart women, over and over again, make dumb choices in dating.

You could easily have said to him something softer and more flirtatious, like, “I would LOVE to see you during the week, but I don’t have the energy I want to give to you then….” 😎 If you start being the woman men want, you’ll stop being the one who chastises and berates them. 😳

Re-read the book! 😉

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