[italyman17]

April I need some advice, about a month ago I met a girl from Florida who was up here (Chicago) for a work convention. We met and hit it off immediately. Hung out the entire time and exchanged numbers and have literally spoken to each other every single day now since the day we met. 3-4 hours a day some nights before we go to sleep. The catch is she had a boyfriend that she dated off and on for a couple years that passed away literally 2 weeks before we met. It was a unique situation and we talked about it and I understood how hard it was for her to go through something like that. I was really a support tool for her to help her get through this tough time. We instantly became friends. After a couple weeks of talking and learning more about each other, and talking about our childhood, she invites me down to spend the weekend with her. Now, let me point out that I am very attracted to this girl. And she, as well as her friends have referred to me as her “Angel” that was meant to meet her to help her get through this tragedy that she went through. So I end up going down and she tells me that I can sleep next to her in her bed as long as I don’t try anything funny (joking around) since her place is fairly small. So the first night we come home from dinner and we get into bed and she asks me out of nowhere if I can have something physical with her tonight with no strings attached and only tonight if I can handle it. I try asking more detail what she means by this. (If we can do it anymore the rest of the week, blah blah blah) and she said that she doesn’t want a relationship, she just wanted something physical. So I agree and end up hooking up. Which was awesome by the way. The rest of the weekend was an absolute blast. I feel so comfortable with this girl, it scares me. She is smart, funny, witty, drop dead gorgeous and our personalities match up perfectly. She is very friendly to everyone she meets and I don’t think she sleeps around. In, fact we talk so much I know she has not been with anyone since the night we met back home. Also, while I was down there, I got introduced to her family at her nephews Bday party and they got along with me very well. Now, The last night at her place before I flew back she proceeds to tell me how “Screwed up she is, and that she doesn’t want me to develop feelings for her, and turn all weird on her, because it has happened in the past and the guy doesn’t even talk to her anymore. I also have gotten out of a bad relationship and I responded by telling her that I was not looking into anything serious as well and all I did know is that I love having her apart of my life. I enjoy talking with her every day and I love the way I feel when I am with her. She agreed and started to really stress that she is selfish and doesn’t want to be in a relationship ever and she is damaged and what not. Now I am back home and we still talk morning, noon, and night over txt and phone calls. She started making comments to me about guys asking her out and I don’t know what to say to her. I just kinda laugh about it or make a comment and move on. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her it bothers me? If I say something to her I am afraid I will freak her out and it will change our relationship which I cannot handle. I could not imagine not having this girl in my life anymore. Or I don’t know if I should just suffer in silence and not mention how it bothers me when she talks to me about other guys or dating guys in the future. This is uncharted waters for me and I have no idea what to do. Any advice would help.

Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This woman has just been through a considerable trauma since her last boyfriend passed away, and it wasn’t very long ago. She’s probably not ready to be in a serious relationship, as she’s told you, because she needs time to process and heal from the pain of the loss. I know you heard her, but I don’t think you’re taking that seriously. 😕

On the other hand, she doesn’t want to be alone or celibate, and the two of you like each other, so you’ve been going through the motions of dating, but…. it sounds like you’ve allowed the entire relationship to be casual and friend-like, instead of making it clear that you’re dating her, and you want to date her, and you want her as your girlfriend. Now, she’s continuing on the “just friends” track and you’re upset about that. But you’re staying on the track that she’s dictated because you’re afraid of losing her. Acting out of fear isn’t a good strategy. 😳

Your job is to make the track you want to be on clear. 😉 You’ve got some damage control to do, but it’s not an impossible job. So, my advice is to plan your next date, and make it clear that it’s a date — not hanging out. Also, don’t be so available — it’s great that you’re spending so much time on the phone, and you’re there for her, but nice guys finish last, and if you’re less available, and she’s looking forward to being with you, or hearing from you, you’re a lot more attractive than if you’re always available (think doormat — sorry!). When you do talk to her, make it clear without creating a conflict that you’re only interested in dating her — not being a friend.

Clearly, you risk losing her if she’s not interested in dating you, but you should want to know if she’s available under the circumstances you’re interested in or not. If she only wants to be friends, my advice is to move on and find someone who’s interested in more than a friendship with you. 😉

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[italyman17]

WOW. OKay, I understand that. Makes sense. So I shouldn’t be thinking about being there for her now, suck it up and be a great friend to her (with benefits) and hopefully in time she will realize that she wants to be with me.

That is what I was hoping to hear I guess. Because like I said, I don’t want to have this conversation with her and make things weird and lose everything I have with her. That is my biggest fear in life right now.

Thanks for the advice,

Paul

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

Remember that as the man in the relationship, you pursue the woman, but you also make it clear that you’re pursuing her for a relationship that is romantic, monogamous and sexual — not a friendship or a friends with benefits situation. You’ll weed out the right women for you from the wrong women for you, and you’ll gain respect and desire from those who want you. 😉

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