[Anonymous]

Hi April,

so I’ve been dating this guy for about seven months now and I don’t feel like I can make sense of the situation by myself anymore. We’re both in our early twenties and I think we make a really good pair, we have tons of shared interests, similar sense of humor, we connect intellectually and physically and I just feel very comfortable being around him.
But for the last month or two we’ve hit a bit of a rough patch. I feel that he just isn’t making time for me anymore. He’s quite a busy guy with a wide circle of friends and several hobbies, whereas I’m a much more private, in-doorsy person. We haven’t had that much time to spend together at any point of our relationship, but until now I’ve at least felt like he WANTS to see me more.
I realize that our honeymoon has just about ended at this point, but even so, I feel pretty neglected. I’d say these days we see each other maybe two or three times a week, when he comes over (often somewhat late at night), we spend the night together and then we leave for work in the morning. I can’t actually even remember the last time we’ve actually spent a full day together. He’s really a good guy and I really believe he loves me and isn’t just after sex, but I’ve been thinking maybe this is more casual to him than it is for me. I’ve never really liked anyone this much before and I’m quite serious about this relationship, and I don’t think I can settle to being just someone whom he can see whenever he doens’t have anything else to do. I’m not expecting a ring or anything, just a level of commitment.
I have tried to talk about this with him, but I usually start crying, we both decide that we really want to stay together, and agree that we should both try harder, and nothing ever happens. He hasn’t said it out loud but I believe that he thinks I’m clingy, which I don’t think is true. I haven’t always been the easiest person to be with, I tend to sulk and shut myself off when my expectations aren’t met, but I’m trying to improve. I have tried hard to give him more space but I feel like I’m the only one making sacrifices. I’m okay with him doing stuff without me and hanging out with his friends, but I also really do need to feel that he’s serious and that I’m not some sort of an obligation to him. Is it wrong of me to ask him to put me in first place this early in the relationship? Should I just take what I can get from him, or is this just a waste of time? How long should I wait and see if things get better before I move on?

Any and all advice would be much appreciated, for I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Anonymous]

The question is [i]what[/i] do you want? You just don’t want him to spend more time with you, right? If he spent 11 hours at your house instead of 6, would everything be better?

So ask yourself, what exactly, you want from him…specifically.

Seeing each other 2-3 times a week for a couple hours each time is [i]normal[/i] for most relationships.

So how do you define ‘commitment’? Is coming over to see you several times a week not a commitment to you? How can he be ‘more serious’?

You have a lot of questions to answer….

[Anonymous]

You need to come from a position of strength and you are coming from a position of weakness — crying and asking him for more time, as if you are the supplicant. If the situation were reversed, you might feel turned off by the neediness of the other person and want to withdraw or spend time away from them. Being with someone isn’t a numbers game — how much time is spent together — rather it’s the quality of the time not the quantity that’s important. Remember that you two are dating — and make sure it’s fun! Then you don’t have to ask for more time — he’ll just want more! 😀

You say you sulk and cry and shut yourself off and you aren’t the easiest person to be with. 😳 Not exactly a picture of someone who most people would want to spend time with. [b][i][u]Change yourself, not him.[/u][/i][/b] Start planning more time with your girlfriends. Take a class. Get interested in yourself and your life. Schedule one less get-together with him a week so you have more time to develop your pursuits. Be [i]authentically[/i] busy with your life. And don’t talk to him about it anymore — just do it — casually, charmingly and nicely. He doesn’t have to know your every thought about him and the relationship and about your plans. 💡

Just let go a tiny little bit. You sell yourself short by saying you think you are an obligation to him. You then start to focus on that and communicate that’s what you are. You are not an obligation — but really, it’s dating — just remember to keep it light and keep it fun. The rest will fall into place.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

When you decide you should both try harder — what do you do to try harder? Anything?

[Member]

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