[Anonymous]

Dear April,
At age 21, I broke up with my boyfriend because I had never been single in college and the urge set in. We had dated for two years, and after a few months of singlehood, I realized how much I loved him and how I could not lose such an incredible person and an incredible relationship. I completely broke his heart though, and he was incredibly burned from it all, so he did not have it in him then to try the relationship again.
Well, I went through the hardest year of my life trying to let him go, move on, and tell myself that there is reason for all of this. However, no matter how optimistic I was that there had to be someone else out there for me, I could not stop loving him. An entire year went by of us painfully touching base here and there to say hi, and of trying to see other people (which neither of us actually did), until this last December we ran into eachother one night, spent the whole night talking, mutually let alot of feelings come out, and had a reuniting night that was unforgettable.
We were both still madly in love with the other, and finally enough time had passed where he was able to admit it. Since that night, we have been spending as much time together as possible. We have grown so much, realized so many things about ourselves, and it could not feel more perfect.
Well, the entire reason I’m writing you what has now turned into an essay, is that he is moving abroad inevitably in two weeks from February-June, 5 months of a 15 hour time difference. For this reason we have not gotten back into a committed relationship, and we recently talked about the ‘commitment’ factor while we’re apart. I told him I would be willing to try long distance but he felt it may not be the best thing for us. I can tell he wants to go abroad and be free and able to live that experience to the fullest. He’s afraid it could ruin what we have if communication becomes difficult, fights start coming up, and were living across the world from each other. I trust that that is a huge factor in his reasoning, but I also feel like he almost wants to have the ‘choice’ to be allowed to be with other women with this once in a lifetime trip he’s been waiting for for the last 10 months. He’s not the type to sleep around, especially with women he isn’t dating, but he’s going to Australia with a bunch of single guy friends and I know it has to be a thought of his. It’s just not right to me to be talking to him every day on Skype and thinking of him constantly if he is going out at night and potentially sleeping with other women. I know that if I was going abroad for 5 months with all my single girls that a part of me would be probably thinking the same thing, even though I technically would not be ‘wanting’ other men.
Is there any level of commitment I can rightfully ask of him if we are not in a relationship but intend and hope to be when he gets back? Or is boundary setting only going to backfire and potentially ruin what good we have re-established? Is it wrong to ask him to just not let a ‘hook up’ get to sex and if he does, to tell me the truth? Or is it best to allow each other to do whatever we please, not talk about it, and then maintain minimal communication or should we be talking as we possibly want? Last but not least, part of me feels like the man I’m supposed to end up with one day would never risk losing me once he had me. However, I risked losing him to get something immature out of my system, and I guess it’s only fair to give him the same benefit of the doubt. I just feel like he knows he is risking losing me and it is making me feel like maybe he just isn’t the one for me then? If I spend the next five months loving him, and being faithful to that love, am I setting myself up for disaster if he desires his freedom enough to let me possibly meet someone else? I just want to make the right decision and what is best for us in the long run. Thank you so much for you time. You have no idea how much it is appreciated.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You should respect your ex-boyfriend’s wishes to let go of any commitment you want while he’s living abroad. It IS wrong for you to ask for an interim level of commitment. If he wants one, he’ll ask you, but instead, he’s made it clear he doesn’t. It’s also wrong for you to try and establish boundaries for him because you don’t want him to date or sleep with other women when he clearly wants to explore his options without cheating on you. I know this hurts your feelings, but you can’t make him feel things or do things he doesn’t want to do.

If you choose to be “faithful” to a man who’s being crystal clear that he doesn’t want a commitment, you’re putting yourself in a situation where you’ll get hurt. Your heart may be working overtime, but your brain is on vacation. Bring it back.

I suggest you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you understand what a man’s behavior really means. It’s a great book for you and it’s on sale! It’s only $8.99 and you can buy it on the site I just gave or on the sites for Barnes & Noble or else Amazon.

I hope that helps and that you can move on and enjoy yourself where you are, while he’s enjoying himself where he is.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot) on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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