[acp12]

I started dating one of my best friends the summer after freshman year. He moved a month after we started dating, and we stayed official for 3 months after that, but he broke off the relationship.Throughout the past 2 and a half years we’ve been talking on and off. We’ll call each other ‘baby’ and talk on the phone every night and tell each other we love each other and even have skype dates every once in a while. But we aren’t official, he wouldn’t make it official. And he never really gave me a reason as to why. I applied to the University of Texas at Austin, it’s my number one choice school. It is also only an hour away from where he lives in San Antonio, Texas. The plan was that hopefully if I got accepted there we would give an official relationship another shot. But recently, he opened up to me and decided he wanted me to know the ‘real’ him. He’s had sex with over 5 different girls that I didn’t know about in the past year and a half. He said he was sorry, that everything he said to me was real and that when he was talking to me he was being the person he wanted to be, and that he does genuinely love me. He also said the reason he did not want to make our relationship official was because he knew he would cheat on me. He blamed his actions on the distance, and he said that if I was there things would be completley different. I don’t know what to do. Does he really love me? How could he have hurt me in this way if he loved me as much as he says he does? Would it be wrong of me to even consider giving our relationship another shot?

[Anonymous]

DON’T THINK about that guy because of he is actually a cheater.
I can understand that distances matters, but with 5 another girls?
do you think he actually sorry?
he is trying to cheat you.
ONE thing more, next time don’t believe on long distance or chat relation.
JUST CHILL AND FORGOT THAT GUY BECAUSE LIFE NEVER STAY AT ANY LOCATION AND I HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD RELATION NEXT TIME.

[ThinkingRight]

Sorry, but i have to disagree with alyssa. i don’t think the guy did anything wrong. i’m sorry that your feelings got hurt and your heart was broken acp12, but by your own admission, “[b]h[u]e broke off the relationship[/u][/b]“.

Also, you said for “the past 2 and a half years we’ve been talking on and off”, you had “skype dates [b][u]every once in a while. But we aren’t official, he wouldn’t make it official[/u][/b].”

The guy was not your boyfriend and he was very clear and honest about not wanting a commitment. Just because you wanted an “official”, exclusive relationship doesn’t make it so. I’m sorry… I don’t like to see anyone get hurt, but in my opinion — you hurt yourself by staying involved with a guy that clearly did not want the same thing you did.

He was very honest and direct about what he wanted and what he did not want. I have to say I think he’s done nothing wrong. I do not think someone can be considered a cheater when there is not an exclusive relationship.

[acp12]

But he TOLD me he wasn’t messing around with anyone else. I’d ask him about other girls and he’d tell me they were nothing. So it’s not so much that he did those things, it’s that he told me wasn’t and lied to me about it.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Here’s the reality check: In 3 years, you only dated for 1 month. 😯 You “stayed official” for another 3 months. I’m not sure what that means, but more importantly, you were apart for over two and a half years. This wasn’t a relationship with a strong foundation to begin with and it sounds like you didn’t really get to know him very well while you were dating for a month in person.

It was a gamble to commit to a man for two and a half years long distance, and it appears that you lost because while you thought this was an exclusive relationship, it wasn’t. 😳 One of the things I talk about in my book, Think & Date Like A Man, is understanding the status of your relationship. Sometimes what he says doesn’t match up with his behavior and in that case, you should always trust his behavior. Bottom line is that if a man wants to be in a relationship with you, he’ll act like it. He’ll take you out and show you off to his friends. He’ll introduce you to his family. He’ll stop hanging out with other singles and start going out in couples. Your boyfriend didn’t do any of those things, from what I can tell. 🙁

In answer to your questions, the reason he hurt you is because he wanted to date women in person more than he wanted a long distance relationship, but he didn’t want to let go of the relationship you had. Maybe if you’d known him better before committing to the two and a half year long distance relationship, you would have understood his character better and known he wasn’t going to be faithful.

I’m not sure if he really loves you like a girlfriend. Certainly lying to you about sleeping with other women isn’t how someone who loves you would behave. 😳 It sounds like while he cares about you, he really wants to explore his dating options in college. While this is hurtful to you, in the bigger picture, it’s normal.

My suggestion is that now that you know his character more fully, unless you’re both going to be in the same city to conduct your relationship, you should probably expect he may want to date other women. Two and a half years is a long time for you to expect a college student to be faithful to someone he only dated in person for one month, years ago.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Ethan Morales]

It’s important to separate feelings from actions. He may genuinely care about you, and even think he loves you in some way, but the fact that he intentionally engaged sexually with other women while maintaining a connection with you shows a serious mismatch between his words and his behavior. Love is not just about feeling; it’s about commitment, respect, and actions. What he did was hurtful and shows that he prioritized his own desires over your emotional well-being.

The long-distance context matters a lot. You only had about a month of in-person dating, and then mostly relied on long-distance communication for over two years. That kind of setup is always risky, especially with someone who wasn’t ready or willing to commit fully. His excuses about distance don’t erase the fact that he made choices that hurt you and broke your trust repeatedly.

It’s understandable that you’re confused. You’ve invested emotional energy in someone you cared about deeply, and you hoped that once you were closer physically, things could work out. But now that you have clarity about his behavior and his tendency to cheat, you have important information about his character. His love, if it exists, is inconsistent with what a healthy romantic relationship requires namely honesty, exclusivity, and accountability.

Considering giving the relationship another shot is understandable emotionally, but you need to weigh it realistically. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and once it’s broken repeatedly, rebuilding it is extremely difficult especially if you’re still not in the same city and his past patterns suggest he might repeat them. You have to ask yourself if you can truly forgive and move forward without resentment or suspicion.

While it may feel normal for a college-aged person to explore dating options, it doesn’t mean you should accept it in your life. Protecting yourself emotionally is crucial. You deserve a partner whose actions align with their words, who respects your feelings, and who is committed to you fully.

He may care about you, but his behavior shows he is not ready for a committed, faithful relationship. You have to trust his actions more than his words. Moving forward, focus on your own goals, like UT Austin, and on building relationships with people who treat you with the consistency and respect you deserve. Re-entering a relationship with him would likely put you through more hurt.

[Tara]

Here’s the reality you need slapped into place: he didn’t “confess” out of love he confessed because he knows you’re emotionally hooked enough to tolerate betrayal as long as he wraps it in sweet words. He kept you in a fake, almost-relationship while he slept around because you were the emotional safety net he could use without commitment. Every “baby,” every late-night call, every “

I love you” was just bait to keep you available while he did whatever he wanted. And his excuse that he avoided making things official because he “knew he’d cheat” is nothing but a pathetic admission that he has zero discipline, zero loyalty, and zero respect for you. Distance didn’t break him; his character did.

[Sally]

I know that kind of love the late-night calls, the nicknames, the feeling like you’re almost together even though you’re not. It makes everything confusing.
But here’s the thing: he told you who he is right now. He didn’t stay faithful even while telling you he loved you. And him saying he’d cheat if it were official… that’s not love that knows how to show up. That’s love that stays in fantasy because reality would require him to grow up.

I’m not saying he never cared. I’m saying he hasn’t earned the kind of trust you’re giving him.

If you move to Austin, let your life get bigger than this story. If he wants to be with you someday, he has to meet you as an actual partner not a maybe.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been emotionally invested in someone who wasn’t in a position to commit fully. Long-distance relationships, especially when they start with very little time spent together in person, are extremely fragile. The fact that he only dated you for a month before moving away, and then maintained a connection from a distance for over two years, meant that the foundation of your relationship was never built on shared experiences or mutual accountability. His actions dating other women while claiming to love you reflect the reality of the limited commitment he was able or willing to give.

It’s understandable to feel hurt and confused, because emotionally you were connected to him, and love doesn’t always align with someone’s behavior. He may have cared about you, but the way he chose to act sleeping with other women while keeping you emotionally tethered shows that he prioritized his personal desires and exploration over fidelity. Caring for someone isn’t the same as respecting them or being ready for a committed partnership. His excuses about distance and the idea that things would have been different if you were closer don’t erase the fact that he was dishonest with you.

Your temptation to consider giving the relationship another shot is natural, because you’ve invested years of emotion and you’ve built a deep bond of familiarity and communication. But it’s important to look at his behavior objectively. Love is not just words or feelings it’s demonstrated through actions that protect, respect, and prioritize the other person. Right now, his actions suggest he’s not capable of providing the security, honesty, or exclusivity that a meaningful romantic relationship requires.

The healthiest path forward is to re-evaluate your expectations and focus on building a connection with someone who can be present with you fully, both emotionally and physically. Holding onto the hope that he might change or behave differently in the future puts you in a vulnerable position for further hurt. It’s painful, but recognizing his true character now gives you the clarity to invest in relationships that have a real chance of mutual trust, respect, and love. You deserve someone whose actions consistently match their words.

[Irish]

There’s a saying that goes, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” For me, every action you take is a choice—no one is forcing you. So it was his choice to have sex with different women, and it was his choice not to choose you.

That’s why it was also right that you didn’t have an official label, because maybe he didn’t want to feel guilty about it. But somehow, for me, he still betrayed you. Because he kept giving you hope that you two were okay, that he loved you, and so on.

My advice is for you to move on from him and find someone who is more right for you. But again, it’s still your decision—because it’s your choice whether you’ll listen to this advice or not.

[Member]

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