[kirsty]

Dear April
I have only been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. When we are together, we get on fantastically well and have a real laugh. I have been introduced to many of his friends and family (and vice versa). We have a small problem at the moment being distance as we are not living in the same city, but we expect this to be resolved shortly. I feel a lot of this guy and when we are together, it couldn’t be better. We spend every night together when we are in our respective cities (and in the last two months we have seen each other the majority of the time). This might sound perfect, but when I was last visiting I discovered that he has an alter ego which involves chatting to people on the internet, and ‘serving them’. On finding this alter ego I started to check his phone and noticed that he had sent a lot of sms messages to these women, and upon further research during our present time apart, I have found out that he has been paying for internet favours. The whole thing is disgusting and makes me think that he just cannot commit to manogmony. Obviously I cannot confront him on this as I have found out a lot of it due to me snooping around (he left his laptop on with his email logged in so I was able to discover his passwords etc, and looking at his phone). Am I right to think that once someone is addicted to this world, he is likely to never leave it even for love (he hasn’t had a girlfriend for five years), should I carry on as if I don’t know all this stuff, or should I confront him. Please help as it’s killing me at the moment (we are going through a week of being apart but are due to spend the week after that together) and taking up far too much of my time ‘checking up’ on him in secret. Thanks Kirsty

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not sure why you need to find out more than you already have. 😕 It sounds like you’re having a long distance relationship of five months with a guy that I assume because you didn’t mention how you met, that you met online. You’ve now found out that he not only has internet and text relationships with other women, but that he’s paying for internet sex. Isn’t that enough for you to decide he’s not right for you? 😯

Since you’ve only invested five months in dating this guy, and you’re long distance which isn’t ideal, it seems like you should start dating other people rather than invest any more time in a guy who’s got some secret hobbies that disgust you.

I’m not convinced your boyfriend is addicted to anything, but I do think he has some predilections that you don’t like, and in fact, are deal breakers if your relationship becomes long term.

What could he possibly tell you if you confronted him, that would make you think he’s worth staying with? 🙄 And if you have a good answer to that question, then by all means, do confront him with what you already know. It matters less that you were snooping to find out this information than that his behavior is of such concern to you. You may have just hit the tip of the iceberg.

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