[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years. When we first got together it was as friends with benefits and then I left for 8 months and the whole time I was gone we couldn’t stop talking and missed each other a lot. He ended up telling me he wanted me to come back and eventually I did, I wanted that too and couldn’t stop thinking about him while I was away. The day after I came back we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I love him and he loves me. The only problem is that we live in a very small town and I can’t finish my college there and he already has a profession he can’t leave. I told him a few months ago I applied to go back to school. He didn’t really say much other then can’t you do it by correspondence. I said yes, but I don’t want to. Now, I wish I had just said I’d do my coursed by correspondence. the college where I’m supposed to go is across the country and as much as I love him and him me we’re not into the long distance relationship. A few weeks ago he was acting funny so i asked him if he wanted to break up. he looked at me like i was crazy and said no! Then he was acting weird again the other day and I saw him on matchmaking websites and said again do you want to break up? He said no. he’s just trying to distance himself from me cause i’m going to leave him. I was like that’s not for another three months! So, I said are you sure and he said yes. then he said he loved me and me him. Haven’t told him I’ve seen him on the websites and dont know if I should. I told him, I may have stayed but he never asked me to and that I can do courses by correspondence and find a job in the area if he really wanted. he told me, he just wants me to be happy. I told him he makes me happy. And then he said he had to think about it all, this is serious if I stay for him and that he’d get back to me. To tell me if I should stay for him. He said he’d keep me updated? How long am I supposed to wait for him? I want to stay just want him to ask me to?

[Ask April Masini]

I wish you’d told me your ages, because that would help a lot in my advice, but I’ll proceed assuming you’re both in your mid-twenties.

You’re in a tough spot because your boyfriend says he wants you to be happy, but your being happy by going away to college is going to render him very unhappy. So, unhappy, that he’s not going to stay unhappy, and will look for a back up girlfriend or a replacement girlfriend when you go, as evidenced by his reading dating websites since you’ve told him about your desire to go away to college.

Another couple may be able to weather these two different goals (you’re going away to college, and his being okay until you return), but it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is ready or able to weather this bump in the road. What you have to understand is that ALL relationships have bumps in the road like this — whether they’re long distance situations, illnesses, financial problems, job loss, family problems, or problems with children. You’re getting a good glimpse of your future together. If you stay together, you are going to have to be the one to make all of the compromises — because he isn’t willing to sacrifice his feelings for the relationship.

Don’t be angry at him — be glad you found this out now! Dating is a process that if you’re wise, you’ll use to figure out who is Mr. Right and who isn’t. Compatibility is a huge factor in successful relationships, and you’re stumbling on a compatibility blocker.

If he is ready to marry you, and after dating for two years he should know whether or not you’re Ms. Right, then he would be wise to get engaged, send you off to college with a ring on your finger, be faithful and happy that this break in your togetherness is temporary while you finish your degree, and make a plan for a temporary long distance relationship. But instead, he’s looking for a replacement girlfriend for when you go away. Your reluctance to tell him that you’ve seen him on these dating websites when he thinks you’re not looking, is fueled by your fear of losing him. 😕 While it may hurt now to realize that you may lose him, it’s going to hurt more in the long run if you don’t accept what’s happening in your relationship, globally.

My advice is to accept the reality of your having seen him looking on dating websites, and his change in behavior since you’ve discussed your finishing college far away from him. His not asking you for a commitment is very telling. Accept it. He’s not ready for an engagement or a mature, long term relationship. He is who he is, and you need to understand that he’s not Mr. Right, even if you do think he’s great. Compatibility is what you need to look for in a man, and this college experience has given you a gift to see that it’s time for you to move on.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April… sorry i forgot to put our ages, we’re both 28. Soon after I finished writing this post I realized I’m not ready to stay for him and this time if he wants me he knows where I am. Why should I always have to be the one to sacrifice in this relationship? As you said it’s a compatibility issue and I don’t think there’s much that can be done about it. He has since asked me to stay but i’m not ready to anymore and told him no. As much as I hoped this would last forever Ive realized that isn’t going to be the case. There are so many people out there I surely can find one better suited to me. I love him and can’t be mad at him just wish he’d grow up a little. At the same time I”m not going to be over him anytime soon that’s for sure, but i’m sure my good friends Ben & Jerrys and Haagan Daz will help me out a bit!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re making the right decision. I’ll wish you good luck, but I know you won’t need it because you’re doing all the work necessary for having success in love. Give Ben & Jerry and Haagen Daasz my best regards — but don’t visit with them, too long! There’s too much fun to be had out in the real world. (Check out my book while you’re spooning from the cartons, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women looking for Mr. Right who want to know how to find him, get him and keep him. This is the perfect time for you to read this book. It’s only $15.95, and goes well with chocolate chocolate chip AND chunky monkey!) 🙂 You can get the book as an immediate download, here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

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