[DerbyCityFilly]

I’m 62 year old woman and I’ve been dating since my divorce 15 years ago. I met a 59 year old divorced man nine months ago. He is the first guy that I would like to spend the rest of my life with. We get along really well and enjoy the time we spend together. Just recently, I got to meet his 13 year old son for the first time. He lives with him most of the time, the rest of the time with his mom. The long wait to introduce me was said to be because my boyfriend didn’t want his son to like me and then we end up breaking up in the future and breaking the boy’s heart. I feel the boy is old enough to handle that, since he doesn’t need a mother figure in his life. Being introduced was a hurdle that is no longer an issue. Now there are two other major issues. I can’t seem to get my boyfriend to meet my family. He won’t attend cookouts or get togethers with my adult children and grandchildren. They want to meet him and I want him to meet them. He said he isn’t ready. Also, he won’t introduce me to his adult children. My boyfriend is a musician.I met one of his son’s by accident at one of his gigs and all went well. I’m not allowed to go to his gigs even though they are in a public place if there might be a chance one or two of his adult children might show up. So he never invites me anymore. I was especially upset New Years’ Eve because I couldn’t celebrate and be with him during his gig, so I sat home alone, him knowing how much I wanted us to be together for our first New Year’s. When I did go to a few gigs, I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt closer to him, as this is the biggest part of his life that he was sharing with me. I’ve explained to him that I miss being part of this life he used to share with me, and its made me feel distant from him. His adult children make no effort to make him a part of their lives, no phone calls or anything. I feel he just waits and hopes they decide to show up at one of his gigs. Here I sit, in love with this man and his music, and I can’t be there. He says we’re a couple, we’re together. Several times I’ve brought up my unhappiness over these issues. When I do this, he tells me I’m rocking the boat and setting our relationship back. He tells me he loves me and wants to be sure I’m the one.(He’s been married 3 times) My adult children feel he’s treating me badly by his actions. I don’t want to move on just yet, but I’m running out of patience and feel this boat will sink unless he stops this behavior which I can’t seem to understand his reasoning. I don’t know what to do!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The most important thing you said is that he’s been married 3 times already. If he marries you, this will be his fourth marriage. It’s understandable that from his point of view, he doesn’t want to make another mistake. However….. I can understand how you want to make sure it’s not just that he doesn’t want to make another mistake — but that he’s on the same relationship page that you are. I’m guessing that you’ve only been married once before and would like to do so, again.

What I can tell you from your post is that when a guy doesn’t introduce you to his family and friends, it’s because he’s not that interested in you — and when he does, it’s because he is. 😉 You already know this. Your kids are feeling protective of you because after nine months of dating this guy and 15 years of dating and playing the field since your divorce, your heart is invested, and you’re not sure his is. I get it.

What you need to do is decide if being with him on his “clock” is more important than your own “clock”. In other words, if you want to get married, then you’re probably looking for some forward movement from him in this direction. You’re not seeing a lot. So are you willing to let go of this goal in exchange for being with him on his time frame? If you are, then relax and enjoy. If you’re not, then give yourself a schedule and don’t tell him about it (he doesn’t want an ultimatum, and you don’t want one either because they backfire), but make a time frame for yourself, so that at the end of that time frame, if he hasn’t moved in a direction and a distance that works for you, you can say that you gave it your best shot, but that you don’t have mutually compatible goals.

What will also be of importance is to understand why his three marriages failed. I guarantee you he’s thinking about that right now, as he’s trying to figure out whether to move forward with you, or not.

I hope that that helps, and that you’ll let me know how things go.

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