[maroulischic]

I’m 22, and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been dating for almost a year, and living together for the last 9 months or so. I love him more than anything, I’m with the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. He does so much for me, and really cares. He’s a really wonderful person that has added so much to my life. I need this relationship to work out. I will not find someone who I connect so well with. I don’t need or want anyone else.
That being said, I am so heartbroken about our arguments. Little issues quickly escalate to enormous problems, and often. 1-2 times a week on average. When we argue, most of the time he does not listen to me. He doesn’t let me speak, and when he does, he doesn’t listen to what I’m saying. He gets so angry, he yells, things sometimes get thrown or broken during a fight. A fight feels like more of a lecture on one end, with no one listening to me. Usually I’m so upset that I am weeping a few minutes into the argument.
Today, our argument started as I was washing dishes at a corner sink. He came up behind me, and adorably hugged me and held me. Of course I loved that, and I was fine with that. The problem being that I was in a hurry, and this occurred over the 15 minutes of dishes at least 3 times for a minute each. During these times that he is holding me, I am not able to continue washing dishes, and instead stand there enjoying, but waiting for it to be over so I can get back to what I am doing. After 3 times of this, and me feeling rushed and interrupted so many times, I started to feel annoyed. I did not say or do anything to indicate this. However, he asked if anything was wrong. I said, I’m just feeling a little claustrophobic. Which turned into an enormous blow up, where he says he feels like he can’t touch me, that I don’t want him near me, that I am not affectionate with him, that I never am.
I just don’t understand, I am always rubbing his back, massaging, spooning to sleep, giving little kisses, trying to instigate a make-out session. And it feels like he doesn’t notice any of this at all. He’s so angry and depressed being with me, and I just don’t know why. I love him so much, I try to show it as best as I can. But I’m always doing or saying something wrong to set him off. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a shitty selfish person like he tells me I am, or if he’s crazy. I don’t know. I feel trapped, I feel stuck, I love him so much, but I’m always fucking up, or saying something that is misinterpreted.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Did you move in together after three months of dating?

[maroulischic]

Yes, we did. Due to financial circumstances, it was really the only plausible thing to do at the time, and still is. I’m happy to share my space with him, and I would rather he live with me than to commute to work from 50 minutes away (unhappily living with a friends’ parents). Things are even with us financially, as he does pay his share of bills/rent, and I could not afford to live on my own right now anyways.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thanks for filling me in. 🙂

It sounds like he’s angry — about something. And he’s taking it out on the relationship. He could be truly upset about the relationship, or it could be his financial situation or his career or his feeling trapped because he moved in with you sooner than he’d normally do if he was just listening to his heart and not his wallet. But it’s going to be very hard to figure out what he’s angry at. You only know that he is. And the fights are making you unhappy. 😳

I do tend to think that the move in so early in the relationship is probably a source of this problem since you haven’t mentioned any acute issues — just this malaise of fighting and his unhappiness which is making you unhappy. I do understand financial troubles and I do understand how two people who are dating for three months can see that moving in together will fix those financial troubles by cutting living expenses in half for each person. However, usually the problems with moving in together for financial reasons and hoping the love will follow, creates problems. There’s a pressure to make the relationship work because the finances are working and I stopped short when I read what you wrote: “I need this relationship to work.” That’s not a good sign. Typically, I suggest you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating and use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous. Moving in together before knowing each other for about a year can create a landscape for surprises, and I think although you are ready and willing to make this work, he isn’t. He may be seeing a relationship he’s trapped in, and as a result, so are you — and these outbursts have more to do with that than with his hugging you and you having to go to work and wanting to finish household chores. You know that old saying about how fights seem to be about who takes out the garbage — but never are? Well, that’s what’s happening here. The fights aren’t about hugging during the dishes. They’re about his unhappiness in his life. This isn’t your fault, but it is your problem because it’s affecting you.

My advice is that you face your fears about this not working out and have a heart to heart with him. You may lose the living together situation and find yourselves facing your financial problems, as you began, but it may be a way to save the relationship. And then again, he may need the “permission” from you to talk about what isn’t working and what he really wants, and is afraid to appear week, or open a can of worms. This won’t go away and will only get worse if there’s no relief, so best it come from within the relationship and not outside it. Talk to him on a day when you’re not fighting, in an atmosphere that is not your bedroom or your home. Choose a walk in the park, a coffee house or something neutral where it will seem more like a peace talk and less like a venting session.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Member]

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