[Anonymous]

About four years ago I had a crush on this guy who lived in another state. We frequently flirted and kept in touch following our initial kiss. My flirting came to a halt when I started dating another boy from my hometown. I continued to date this local boy for approximately four years. While I was in a relationship with Boy 2, Boy 1 continued to stay in contact with me. I wanted to be his friend but he obviously wanted more, or so it seemed. He continued to flirt with me so much that I felt uncomfortable and took the passive aggressive route by ignoring his texts, etc. For the past few months I have felt confused about my relationship with Boy 2; although I love him and can picture myself marrying him, I feel like I might need some time to gain my own independence, if that makes sense. He is the only serious boyfriend I’ve ever had and I feel like because of that and because we got so serious at a such a young age, we might need to take time apart to reflect, etc. We are attempting to go on a break. I must also confess that I recently started to flirt with Boy 1 again; we talk every day. The plot now thickens because Boy 1 has a girlfriend and the other day when I asked him how long they’ve been together he claims that he doesn’t know because they never set a date? I know that they’ve been together for at least a year though. He also said something to the extent of “things aren’t really ever great with her and I constantly wonder why I’m even involved.” Anyway, I know he used to really like me, continued to like me while I was with Boy 2, and says that even though he has a girlfriend now, he still likes me. I recently asked him what the point of us flirting/doing whatever it is that we’re doing and he said, “with the hope that someday soon we will be near each other”. So, hm. A few days ago I saw this boy, we hung out, had dinner and hooked up (some kissing and touching here and there). I feel very bad because he has a girlfriend and it sucks that he is okay with cheating on her but then I try to rationalize his behavior because I know he has liked me for the past four years or so. It’s not that I want to be in a relationship with him, seeing as I am trying to exist without a boyfriend right now, but I don’t particularly like flirting with a taken guy. Soooo basically I don’t know what to do. I am totally crushing on this boy but eh? Thoughts?

[Ask April Masini]

Your confusion and problems about men don’t have to do with the guys. They have to do with you.

When you are more clear on what you want right now, and then in the future, as far as men go, you’ll feel more comfortable with your own behavior. It seems like on one hand you’re saying you need to be alone so that you can figure out what you want, and then on the other hand, you’re feeling guilty about dating a guy who has a girlfriend, but you really do like him, so you don’t want to stop.

It seems like you’re just landing with whatever guy is easiest to be with, and feels least uncomfortable — rather than starting out with a specific goal in mind. For example, you could tell yourself, “I want a great boyfriend who’s all mine and I’m all his.” Or, “I want to play the field and see what’s out there for me, but not be monogamous until I feel I’ve gotten Mr. Right.” Or you could come up with some other dating strategy so that you don’t feel so lost about what you’re doing.

You’re settling for Mr. Right Now instead of looking for Mr. Right. There isn’t anything really wrong with crushing on Mr. Right now — as long you don’t care if he’s got a girlfriend, may not be here tomorrow, or isn’t really someone who’s right for you! 🙁 But…I think those things really [i]do[/i] bother you, and that’s why you’re writing me.

Being with a guy is easy. Being with the [b]right[/b] guy — not so easy! 😉

My advice for your dating serenity is to quit settling for Mr. Right Now, and really decide on what you want — whether it’s to date the field and not commit to any one guy, but use the dating process to figure out what you want in a man and a romantic relationship, or whether it’s to hone in on Mr. Right and not settle for guys who already have girlfriends. This is a lot harder than doing what you’re doing now, but it will leave you with fewer questions and discomfort.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and good luck!! 🙂

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