[wjolly1]

Tonight was one of the most sorrowful nights of my life. My wife was punishing my three year old son for not behaving and told him Daddy wouldn’t be singing him a song tonight. While I was upstairs singing my Daughter who is two, the kids favorite song Puff the Magic dragon (Okay 2 out the fours kids favourite songs, the 14 year really doesn’t like it when I sing and our 5 months will just smile if I sing him anything), he kept asking me to please come and sing him a song and he eventually started crying. My wife and have been fighting a lot lately, okay who am I kidding we have been fighting for the last 8 years. She has been saying the word divorce a lot lately and the last time I finally said okay, I can’t do this anymore. So I have started doing things, I have called a real estate agent, a lawyer, and telling people, I love my wife and would give her everything I have including my life if that was what she wanted, the lawyer is just the means to a end, I have to go threw with it if I start it, I can’t turn back if everybody knows. But tonight when my son got so upset because I wouldn’t sing him a song it broke my heart, because at that moment I realized that I won’t be singing him a song every night before bed, how can I do this when we won’t live in the same house. My children are everything to me, but lets be real no matter what I do they will end up living with their Mom, and really that’s the right thing to do, she is an amazing mother, she has a big heart and always know were to kiss them to make it feel better. So what do I do as a man? That’s the question we all ask ourselves all the time, epsically in a time were being a Man has changed so much. I love my wife, but she so angry at me, because of who I am, that she is mentally abusive to me, and just straight out mean. If she was a man I would of already kicked her ass, but she is not she is my wife and I love her. So do I change who I am for someone I love or will that just make it worse. Am I going to hate her years down the road when I wake up and don’t even know who I am, or am I going to like who I become.

[Ask April Masini]

You don’t change for her — you change for you. And your children.

You have a five month old at home — not to mention your three other children under the age of 14. No wonder you and your wife are at odds. You’re probably both exhausted and overwhelmed and are taking it out on each other. So first thing you need to do is reunite with her. Yes, reunite.

You say she’s an amazing mother, and you must have married her because you loved her, but you’ve hit a protracted rough patch that I’m guessing has to do with your having four children.

Your insight into what it means to be a man is going to help you. Because you value manhood, and your children need to see you as a man so that they can make their own choices in their later lives based on what they learn from you (and your wife), it’s time for you to make some adjustments in your own life for the good of (number one and most importantly) yourself, your wife, your children and your family.

I bet your wife doesn’t like being angry at you. I bet you she is angry at herself, too, and doesn’t have the tools or the resources to deal with her own feelings and taking care of the children, and obviously not of taking care of you. I’m going to tell you she’s one hundred percent wrong in the way she’s treating you — hands down — however, because you are the man you are 😉 you’re going to take the high road and do your best to pull this family together. Your five month old is too young to have a single mother and a father who’s not around. In fact, so are your other three children.

Because you’re the one who wrote me, I’m going to suggest you start re-creating your life to take the pressure off of your marriage. In order to do that some of the changes I’m going to suggest (and hope you’ll use what you want or figure out your own) are:

1. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, physically. Exercise, eating right and maintaining supportive and healthy friends and family members that you can share with and confide in will all serve you.

2. Change your attitude with your wife. I know this is not going to feel natural because you’ve been fighting for 8 long years, but start disarming her by agreeing with her or offering understanding when she goes on the attack. If you can hear her attacks not as personal insults, but as her cries for help because she’s overwhelmed, lonely, tired and disappointed in her own life, you may not feel the need to come out swinging or hear her insults as abuse. This is WAY harder to do than to say it, write it or read it. It takes a very big person to be able to overcome your situation, but I think that judging from your post, you have the cojones to do this.

3. Enlist all the help you possibly can to give you and your wife physical breaks from the kids. Get grandma to take over for a weekend so the two of you can go away (monthly). Hire babysitters if you can afford them and when you can’t, get the aunts, uncles and nieces and nephews to help out.

4. Start re-building your relationship with your wife. Offer to listen to her and don’t respond. It’s too easy for you to get back into fight mode. What you need to do is just listen and encourage her to vent until she’s done. This may take a while 😆 because of the 8 years you’ve been grinding down into your rut, but stick with it.

5. Sex. She’s probably not interested five months post partum, especially if she’s nursing, but see if you can try and gain some sensuality and sexuality back in your relationship. Sex is a curative, and she’ll feel better, as will you. If you can get those weekends away, and don’t pressure either her or yourself into sexual goals, but instead, focus on just being together without the kids, and having a glass of wine or two (or three!), and a nice dinner or picnic, you’re going to be slowly building a bridge back to happiness.

6. Get over yourself and what people are going to think if you call off the divorce lawyer and the real estate broker. Don’t do things because of how you’ll look or what people will think. As a man, you get to do what is right, first and foremost, for your family.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. You have to decide that your family is worth your changing things. You have to get over the idea that life is fair. You have to focus on what is good and what you CAN do to make more of your life and your family’s life good. Being a real man (or woman) means sacrificing your short term comfort for long term right.

I hope this helps you and I’m wishing you and your family all the luck in the world.

[wjolly1]

Thanks I’m taking your advice

[Ask April Masini]

Let me know how things go — I”m rooting for you! 😀

[Author]

Posts