[Hawks1110]

Ok here it goes first time asking for online help. About 9mo ago I starred to date to me the most amazing woman that has ever came into my life. How we met We were roommates and she was dating now my former Coworker he treated her like trash Cheated on her with call other girls. So one day when he was at work and I was off I asked her if she just wanted to go out for coffee to talk just as friends nothing more. A few weeks later they broke up and we started to date and moved into are own place and things were great I left my job because we both thought it was the right move to stay away from her EX and I was out of work for 4 mo. Well out of work she was taken care of the bills rent ext and I gave her all my unemployment to try and help out. During this time she kicked me out once because I hide some bills from my Marriage that was over 2 years before we met. A week after getting kicked out we met up I sat her down and explained everything that had happened in my past telling nothing but the truth and I moved back in. The next few months were very hard on us she had Two surgeries within a month the second one having her right ovary removed I sat by her side everyday and took care of her. A few weeks past And it seemed like she was trying to distance herself from me She would stay over at friends houses Because we were just not getting along And when we were living under the same roof I would sleep in the spare room and she would sleep in the master. At this point there was a trust issue that she could not trust me because things I had done in the past and Mutual friends of ours lying about things that I had not done. She then asked me to move out in witch I did. A mo went by without talking all that much. 3 weeks ago now she asked me to come over I did and we ended up sleeping together. Now there I coworker of hers who is a girl and they have been spend time together and I have asked about it and she says there just friends nothing more and I know her friends have tried to set her up with other guys and once again she tells me there’s nothing going on. We talk and text every few days and last week had a long talk about us We both said that we were committed to one another And that we wanted to work this out But takes very slow baby steps. Now even though we talk its only texting and it’s short I went over to her house the other night And could see that she was very upset We talked for about two hours and she said she missed her family and she just doesn’t know why she’s so depressed she feels alone at night and there’s no one there for her I have told her I’m always her as a friend. This woman means everything to me but and I love her to death but don’t know if I’m being played or if she really wants to work things out

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not being played, but she doesn’t know if she wants to work things out with you…. and you’re looking for a commitment way too soon — and have been, and that’s the problem.

In a nutshell, the problem is that you never dated her. 😳 You met her as your roommate. So you were living together, and the next step should have been to date her, but…. She was dating someone else at the time, and pretty much as soon as she broke up with her boyfriend, with whom you worked, you stepped in. That means you became the rebound guy 🙄 — and instead of dating her as the rebound guy (which would have been problematic in and of itself), it sounds like you jumped dating and started living together, again — way too soon! If you’d dated first, you both would have had the opportunity to decide if you wanted to continue dating each other, to be monogamous and to live together. Instead, even if you think you already know the answers to those questions never posed, she didn’t get the chance to figure that out because you jumped the gun and skipped the dating process. I know you may think that you dated, but if you were living together, and not dating from two separate single apartments or homes, you were doing something different.

Quitting your job, simply to not have to face her ex, was probably not a good idea because you didn’t have another job lined up and that put your new girlfriend in the position of breadwinner, which wasn’t a great idea for a new relationship, and not being forthcoming about bills form a prior marriage (I’m not sure I understand that completely), gave her pause and lost some of her trust — that may not have come up as an issue at all if you’d been dating and not living together. Dating is a really important process that allows you to get to know each other in a less pressure-filled dynamic, and you can both make calm and smart decisions during that process. So, my advice now, is to try really dating her. Woo her and try to win her over. 😉

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