[chestnut]

My b/f of 2 yrs cheated on me…again. The1st time he admitted and begged for a 2nd chance. This time he denied what i know to be true and is now acting the victim. We haven’s spoken in 2 days. This time i don’t know if to stay or go. I believe if i stay it will continue to happen. He is a great guy with a good heart. He fights for the underdog, he will give his last and cries for animals and old people. He is a great partner. He treats me right, he is affectionate, loving, always touching, kissing and hugging. In the middle of the night he kisses me in my back and say I love you. We spend lots of time together. He listens, he remembers and he keeps his promises. If am sick, he is my nurse. He is protective of me and will defend me to the end, he is willing to fight my battles. He gives me my space and doesn’t try to control my life. He often expresses his appreciation for the little things and tells me everyday how much he loves me. He is proud to tell the whole world am his and that am his future wife. This guy gave me a horse as a gift. He does farming and everything he reaps he gives me some to take for my mother and grandmother (whom he has never met). He lives alone but anything to do with his house he leaves for me to decides because he says am the mistress of the house. He always consults me whenever he has a major decision to make. He is not a martyr but all the above is true. He is the 1st guy who ever cheated on me that I stayed with. Others I kicked to the curb when i found out. I love him, I know he is a good man and we are happy together. I saw in other posts you said cheating is only the symptom of the underlying problem.
I can tell you am not making excuses for him nor am I crying myself down but I can be emotionally distant and not affectionate and some time ago in a random conversation he told me sometimes he feels insecure and isn’t sure of my feelings for him its like am there physically but not emotionally. i say the words but most often its just in response to him saying then first. The last time I made the mistake of not insisting on finding out why it happend and i know this is one thing you will tell me, that is find out why. Along with your advice on dealing with this situation, what do i do if he isn’t willing to give a why.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you want to really examine this problem.

People usually cheat for two reasons. The first is that they may have a terrible narcissism where they only think about themselves first. You can’t help this person. You can just steer clear. The second reason is that they want to feel a certain way, and they’re not feeling that way in the relationship. So they look outside the relationship.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re distant and cold sometimes. Surely, you can understand how a man wants to feel like he’s the best thing that ever happened to his woman — and if he doesn’t, he’s going to look elsewhere. You’ve hinted at the fact that that’s what’s going on here.

Obviously, it would be great if instead of cheating, he came to you and told you what was wrong in the relationship or wasn’t working for him and then you could have the choice to make a change or not. But he didn’t — and besides, you already know where you can make adjustments in your own behavior.

However…. the fact that he’s lying about the cheating — isn’t a good sign. It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone who lies. In fact, it’s impossible. Your trust crumbles and you begin to wonder where else he’s lying. Pretty soon, you’re snooping in his phone, his e-mail account, spying on him, etc. because you don’t trust him. You can see, I’m sure, how this dynamic creates a downward spiral.

Let me know your thoughts.

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[chestnut]

Thanks for your advice. Yes I can be cold and distant and yes I do want to talk it out and to work it out but it seems we have reached an impasse. He has not admitted to cheating and just wants to move on as though nothing happened. What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you know for a fact that he’s cheated on you a second time, and he won’t admit it, I don’t know how you can possibly work it out. 😳 Getting past a betrayal can be done, but it takes a lot of hard work, and that work STARTS with honesty. If he’s not willing to be honest, you don’t have the basis for a relationship. 😥 I’m sorry.

I hope this helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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