[Dusty1979]

I’m not sure where to start but will keep my story as short as possible and to the point. My fiance and I have been together for three years. We were getting married in December but the wedding has been cancelled by her parents due to events that transpired in June this year. We are both from the city and in January 2012 moved to a very small farming community to start a life together. As time went by we didn’t adapt very well and besides loving the outdoor environment we quickly got bored with our surroundings. We started drinking heavily and our bad habit created bad air which led to pointless arguments over time. I would mostly ignore her and go sleep in a different room. This only made things worse as it infuriated her not getting a reaction out of me. Soon it resulted in physical violence from my fiance. These incidents didn’t happen often but when they did it escalated more and more. We never spoke about it the following morning’s as she didn’t remember what had happened, and at times neither did I. We agreed that we wanted to move back to the city at the end of the year. We tried to gain control over our drinking problem but failed miserably. There was no support in the community and what there was we couldn’t afford. In June we had an incident where I lost control completely and struck my fiance back. She was scared to death and did the right thing by calling the police to diffuse the situation. I was devastated by what I had done, the pain I caused. The farming community was shocked. I had to leave and came back to the city.
It’s been three months since the incident. My fiance has forgiven me and still wishes for us to be together. She is moving back to the city in December so that we can be together and move on. In the meantime we are working on our separate issues. We stay in contact on a daily basis and see each other every second weekend. It has not been easy. We have grown stronger but her family’s involvement has taken control. At the moment her parents do not know that we are in contact with each other, never mind see each other. They support her financially for the time being and are planning on helping her move back to the city in December. I’ve apologized to them but they don’t talk to me, understandably. I know I will have this stigma over my head for the rest of my life. My fiance doesn’t tell me anything about what the family is saying and I don’t ask. Over the past weekend she brought it up and I decided to ask when she is planning on approaching her parents and tell them that we are trying to sort our problems out. She replied by saying that she doesn’t know and is confused. She can’t stand up to them. I don’t know how to handle this as she hasn’t opened up to them about anything that had happened and doesn’t talk to them about it at all. As far as they are concerned I ran away and am out of the picture. I have no idea how to handle this, and feel like her ‘dirty little secret’. She says I must trust her to work things out. Any advice on a situation like this?

[AskApril Masini]

What’s upsetting you is that your girlfriend is not doing what you’d like her to do. She’s become very dependent on her parents, and that relationship has taken precedence for her over the one she has with you. When an adult is more reliant on their parents than they are on their significant other, they’re not ready for marriage, or engagement — in fact they’re probably not ready for serious dating, either.

You both had real problems with substance abuse and violence, and it’s commendable that you’re taking responsibility for your behavior and working to make your life better, but you have to understand that not everyone in your situation works at the same speed, recovers at the same speed (if at all), and the differences between your recovery and someone else’s, can be huge. That’s what’s happening here.

My advice is that a certain point — and you’ll have to pick that date — it will be time for you to move on if she doesn’t move towards you. Don’t give her an ultimatum — but do give one to yourself. Boundaries in your relationship with yourself and with others will help you, as will recognizing where other people are in their own lives.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Dusty1979]

Thank you for the quick response, it does help.

You are right of course, I did want her to open up to her parents and own up to her mistakes. She’s had very little time to deal with anything other than work at the moment. I on the other hand have had nothing but time to rehabilitate myself. She does not need added pressure regarding telling her parents, when the time is right she will do that. I’m trying to be strong for her, she has always leaned on me but this time however I can’t be that person. I’m worried about her as she hasn’t spoken to ANYONE about the incident, not even her best friend. She’s lost lots of weight, she’s on Cilift and not eating healthy. Finances are a concern and adds to the stress. We’ve not depended on anybody ever but I’m afraid she has no choice as I only start working again in two weeks time. It is a complicated situation. When we see each other over weekends we make the most of it. We both get emotional and we miss each other. The good outweighs the bad and this has been a tough lesson.

I do not know what the future holds and over-thinking everything doesn’t help. I do believe that she is moving towards me and if she wasn’t, she wouldn’t travel 400 miles every second weekend to come and see me. I am just worried about her and yes, I do not like the fact that her parents relationship has taken precedence over ours but I know she needs the support. I just sincerely hope that they support the decision she has made when she tells them, and not leave her with a choice.

Thank you for your insight and hopefully I can check back in for any further advice 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome! 🙂

[Dusty1979]

[quote=”April Masini”]What’s upsetting you is that your girlfriend is not doing what you’d like her to do.

My advice is that a certain point — and you’ll have to pick that date — it will be time for you to move on if she doesn’t move towards you. Don’t give her an ultimatum — but do give one to yourself. Boundaries in your relationship with yourself and with others will help you, as will recognizing where other people are in their own lives.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b][/quote]

Hi there,

I now find myself in a position where I have to take action on the points mentioned above. The reasons are that my life is at a stand-still and it is not healthy for me. I need some advice:

1. Okay, concern has now taken over. I feel I need to explain this in a little more detail. I know that she can’t deal with certain issues at the moment due to no services available and until she moves back to the city I don’t expect her to. I do however feel that the longer time drags on the harder it will become for her to speak to her parents. This is putting extra pressure on her and me. Please correct me if I am wrong but I think that after more than three months it is time that she AT THE VERY LEAST, tell her parents that we are talking and want to resolve our issues. That is all. I don’t understand why she is not doing this as she is a 29 year old adult and frankly don’t need her parents’ go ahead or them telling her how to live her life. We will not be living together again until next year and then start afresh. This is getting a little silly as we are engaged and yes made mistakes but also share many successes and treasured memories, and we want to work our problems out, these visits in secret, the lies, staying confined in one place, it is also not very healthy and it is frustrating. Am I wrong?

2. Two days from now she will be here and spend a week with me. However, in that week she will be meeting up for two days with family. The reason for this visit is to say goodbye to her Gran, whom is moving abroad. This will be the first time she sees her family after the incident. Once she is done she will come back here to me. I know a lot of questions will be asked when she sees them, but I doubt she will mention that we see each other and speak daily. I don’t want to give her an ultimatum BUT this is a platform (and an opportunity) for her to at least mention this, not true? She wont be seeing them again until December. Would this be an unreasonable request for me to ask/suggest to her before she goes?

I understand what you said about everyone not moving at the same pace BUT this has nothing to do with forgiveness, dealing with our separate issues or making future decisions regarding our relationship, we’ve done that.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

[Dusty1979]

Also, I am a ‘softy’ but please understand that I also have my limits! I’ve dealt with my issues and will keep at it but it is very one-sided at the moment. I’ve fought for this woman, I’ve sacrificed, she needs to fight for me too. I mean we have names for our future children, a plan for our life together. She still drinks on occasions, in my presence. She only wears her engagement ring when she visits me, she’s done nothing but tell me to hold on and let us sort our separate issues out, but I’m starting to feel like a fool, I certainly look like one according to some of my friends. She needs to walk the talk if you know what I mean, otherwise, I will have to move on. I can’t go through another three months like the previous three. I love her dearly but she needs to take action too.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m glad you told me her age — that really helps. 🙂 At 29, she’s not a kid. And… you have to accept that she’s not telling her parents that she’s seeing you because she doesn’t want to. And her parents didn’t call off the wedding — she did. Since she’s 29 years old, she can get married whenever, and to whomever she wants — it’s not her parents’ call. I think that she’s trying to slough off her decisions and responsibilities onto her parents, and now you’re doing the same. Forget her parents. This isn’t really about them. This is about you accepting who she is, and deciding whether or not to stick around or move on. She’s being pretty clear with you, but you’re not being so clear with yourself. You keep trying to manipulate the truth. 😳 Having chosen names for future children is not a good idea if your fiance only wears her engagement ring in your presence and doesn’t admit her relationship with you to her family. This makes it look like you’re pulling the wool over your own eyes. 😕 She’s not taking the relationship as seriously as you are, and you’d be wise to realize that. I think it’s time for you to move on and start dating other people. I know this is upsetting for you because you’ve pinned your hopes and dreams on her, but the reality of what’s transpired over the last year needs to be factored in and your dreams need a wake up call. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Dusty1979]

Ouch but thank you 🙂

I think this following week I have with her I will use the time to conclude as to how serious she is in fact to start over. It’s a bad place to be in, neither here nor there. She has now told me she wants to go for therapy WITH me starting next week, to get through this, she says she is going to resign and is moving back to the city. Its just been talk. She only has 10 days from now to do that otherwise her contract is automatically renewed for the new year and if she doesn’t I will have my answer clearly.

I’m a mess. Thank you for showing me the light. I’m am holding on too tightly!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry that this is painful for you, but if you are truthful with yourself, you’ll be able to handle anything. You can’t really start over because your relationship with her is what it is. Starting over would ignore the truth, and that’s what you have to face. You’re not really a mess, as you wrote. You just don’t like the reality of your relationship, and you’re hoping it’s other than it is. You’ll be much better off in the big picture if you focus on what you want — an honest, respectful and loving relationship — and keep that goal in mind. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts