[Blondie999]

So, I’ve been dating this guy on and off for 3 years. The whole time he has been the one holding back and not wanting us to have a real relationship. He’s been saying that he wants to solve some personal issues first. Lately he’s been more distant and I haven’t seen him much at all. My patience is running out and at this point, I just wanna talk things over and find out what’s really going on. The problem is that he’s not willing to see me, always making excuses or cancelling last minute. Sometimes he doesn’t even answer my calls and messages.I do love him a lot and at one point we were even talking about marriage, which he actually brought up when I really wasn’t expecting it. April, how would I get him to meet me and talk? I’m getting really desperate and even thinking about stalking him. If he doesn’t wanna see me anymore, then fine, but I wanna hear it. This not knowing what’s going on is driving me crazy.

And if I finally get to see him, what should I do? Have the TALK or stay casual? He knows that I’ve been upset about the way he has been treating me, and that might be one reason he’s keeping his distance.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure how old you are, or what your relationship goals are, but I’m guessing they’re marriage. And I’m also not sure what you mean by “off and on” dating for three years — did you break up once? A couple of times? Or were you dating off and on the entire time, meaning you were both presumed to be dating others at the same time?

Not knowing any of that, I can tell you that if you’ve dated a guy for three years, and he’s showing waning interest — it means he’s not interested in you as much as he used to be, and he’s not interested in the same committed relationship you are. Assuming you’ve been a great girlfriend during those three years, and you’re just not compatible, I’d advise that you stop wasting your time, and move on to find someone who IS compatible with you. However, if there are things you can do to be the woman who gets the guy 😎 then this is definitely the time to amp up your game!!

Fight your instincts to lose your patience and your temper, or to have “the talk”, because this won’t get you what you want. Guys HATE the talk, and if you’re angry at him for not being the guy you want him to be, telling him he’s not living up to your standards will just make him feel bad about himself, the relationship and you — and will drive him away, not bring him closer. 😉

You said you’re desperate, as well as losing your patience. 😕 Remember that desperation is unattractive. And your urge to stalk him isn’t going to win you any points — in fact it will just speed up the break up that may be on his mind. If you need to hear him say he doesn’t want to see you any more, consider that you’ve already seen his behavior indicating this, and you don’t always get what you want — especially in a break up because not everybody has the tools to break up civilly. Sometimes people do the best they can and that means you don’t get a civil or a mature explanation — but you DO get behavior that indicates what’s going on.

I know you’re desperate, frustrated, annoyed and trying to manipulate him or make him talk to you, but the truth is that you’re angry at yourself for staying in a relationship that isn’t working, and you’re holding him accountable for YOUR choice. 😳

I hope this helps. 🙂

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[Blondie999]

I’m 31, so yes, I’m at that point in my life that I don’t wanna be dating anymore. I wanna settle down and maybe start a family in couple of years. The guy divorced his wife not long before we met and they also have a son, which has had a big impact on our relationship. After six months of dating, the guy told me it’s better that we stay just friends because he’s not ready for a relationship. He told me this by texting and I was quite upset. For two months we didn’t have any contact and I was actually getting over him and ready to move on. Then he asked me out for coffee and I just couldn’t say no. We met couple of time “just as friends” but neither of us couldn’t deny the chemistry we had, so it ended being something more. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings and that gets me confused a lot. When I thought things were not going so well with us about a year ago, all of a sudden he started talking about marriage 😕

He has had lot of problems with his family (serious illness etc.) and I think he has been quite depressed. I’ve tried to be patient and I do hope we can make it work.

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the extra information — and HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! 😀 😀

Now that you’ve confirmed that you’re 31 and you want to get married, I hope you’ll begin to focus on men who actually are available for marriage and want to marry you! 😉 Sticking to your goal is important in dating smart. 😎

When he broke up with you after dating for six months because he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that was your cue to move on.

[quote]We met couple of time “just as friends” but neither of us couldn’t deny the chemistry we had, so it ended being something more. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings and that gets me confused a lot.[/quote]

You’re talking about a friends with benefits situation. 😳 These never work out well for anyone who wants a real relationship because he sees you as a friend to have sex with, and sex changes everything for women. You took yourself off the market by settling for, as you put it, “something more” but not something you could really name. In other words, a relationship.

[quote]He doesn’t really talk about his feelings and that gets me confused a lot. When I thought things were not going so well with us about a year ago, all of a sudden he started talking about marriage [/quote]

If he doesn’t talk about his feelings, then you have to look at his behavior. Behavior is ALWAYS the clue to what he wants and how he feels about you. And even if he DOES talk about his feelings — his behavior is the true measure of his feelings. Lots of guys who cheat say one thing and do another. While he’s probably not cheating on you, from what you’ve written, talking about marriage was probably a fleeting thought for him, triggered by something other than really wanting a long-term, committed relationship with you. In other words, talking about marriage was probably triggered by his problems — and then disappeared when he realized he didn’t really want it. That he suddenly started talking about marriage is less important than whether or not he proposed and set a date. 😳 But he said what he said to keep you in the game. 😕

[quote]He has had lot of problems with his family (serious illness etc.) and I think he has been quite depressed. I’ve tried to be patient and I do hope we can make it work.[/quote]

I hear you now saying you’re trying to be patient, but in the last post, you were feeling anything BUT patient, and really, the choice is yours. I don’t think you should stay with him because you want to get married, and after three years he’s moving away from intimacy and marriage with you, not close to it. 😕 I’d hate to see you waste time with someone who isn’t going to give you what you want. 😳

I see a lot of women writing here who have a hard time breaking up with a guy who simply isn’t compatible with them. It’s easy if he cheats, is abusive or breaks up with you. But when a guy is a nice guy with great qualities — [i]but isn’t giving you what you want after a year or two, and is moving away from giving you what you want, and isn’t doing anything dramatic or drastic, but clearly isn’t interested…. it’s sometimes harder for some women. [/i] I know this is hard for you but I hope you can get a clear picture of your situation by reading and re-reading your posts here and mine. 😉 It would be a shame if you stayed so long that you got so angry, you really did begin to behave badly and give him a good reason to break up with you more clearly, wasted your energy, and had a harder time moving. on. 😉

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[jennaMax]

sounds to me like he’s gone off you, or he’s dating someone else. I wouldn’t put up with someone giving me the cold shoulder, no matter how much i loved them. if i were you, i’d ask him straight up what’s up? does he still love you? is he dating someone else? why he is being so distant towards you? etc, etc, etc

[AskApril Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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