[bunnyface]

We were long distance for about two years of our relationship. I moved at the beginning of our relationship to a different state six hours apart. I knew that this move had put some stress on our relationship after the first year. I wouldn’t let him move where I was at because I planned on transferring schools back home. Within our first year I started to restrict him out of fear of loosing him, this was clearly a mistake. I later told him to do as he pleased. We saw each other and talked often during separation. I moved back home in the middle of August, I stayed with his family during this time. We got along great, our love felt strong, I felt he really cared about me and wanted to be with me. After about a month I was moved into a house with my parents. I was struggling with how to balance my relationship, school, and family all at once. In October he quit his job and was out of a job for about a month. This month has been a pretty off one for us, it seems like every week theres something wrong with us causing me thinking he’s going to break up with me. I have reflected on our relationship, marriage is a topic of ours and a plan in the future after I graduate from college. I feel that maybe he’s feeling unappreciated, perhaps unwanted, and not worthy of taking care of me or even being with me. He doesn’t express things very well, and I would like to go back to the beginning again but Im to sure how to take us there. He constantly feels unmanly due to his job and not being able to be a provider. I would hate to loose him but I’m not sure how to clean up our relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got some control issues going on that you can work on. 😉 First of all, you’re very focused on marriage and this relationship working, and it would be more practical to see [i]if[/i] it works, not to try to force it work. Don’t restrict him — instead give him reasons not to want to stray…. and understand that if he does it’s either circumstantial (you’re in college, he’s in a different location) or he’s not ready for the commitment you’re ready for. Once you stop trying to force a situation and instead allow it to transpire, you’ll loose the stress and so will he. Of course…. you may not get what you want, but it won’t be a battle to the finish.

Next, try to understand and empathize with his career vector. It was your boyfriend’s choice to quit his job, and now it sounds like he’s struggling with unemployment and finding a career path that works for him. This is a big deal, and most men who are interested in marriage are interested in having their careers in place first. He may feel that you’re pushing him towards marriage before he’s ready, and that’s going to create friction in the relationship. So back off and be supportive, empathetic and hang back while he’s figuring out his job situation.

And finally, if you want to make him feel appreciated, compliment him. Send him little gifts and notes. Tell him how good he is at things — not how much he means to you, but how good he is. If he’s struggling with his career, he needs a support system — not a needy partner, and even if you’re justified in feeling needy, it’s not going to move things forward.

Hope that helps!

[Sally]

Sounds like both of you are juggling a lot and he’s feeling insecure about not being “the provider” right now. Honestly, the simplest way to show appreciation is just noticing him and his efforts, even the small stuff. Compliment him when he does something kind, tell him you love having him in your life, and make little moments just about the two of you no distractions, no stress, just connection.

Let him know you’re proud of him and that you see him, not his job or money. And it’s okay to be honest about your worries without blaming him. Start fresh by being present, listening more than talking, and creating little rituals that remind him he matters. Love isn’t perfect, but feeling seen goes a long way.
If you want, I can write a version that’s like a late-night text you could actually send him.

[Tara]

Face the truth. Your relationship didn’t fall apart because of distance, jobs, or moving. It fell apart because both of you kept trying to control each other instead of growing up. You restricted him out of fear. He shut down out of insecurity. You moved back expecting the relationship to magically reset, and instead, you discovered the ugly part: the problems weren’t about geography; they were about the two of you.

He feels unmanly because he tied his entire self-worth to being a “provider,” and now that he’s jobless, he thinks he has nothing to offer. And instead of dealing with that like an adult, he bottles it up and sulks, leaving you guessing. Meanwhile, you’re scrambling to appease him, reassure him, and drag the relationship back to some fantasy “beginning” that wasn’t even healthy the first time.

You don’t want a fresh start; you want an escape from the reality that both of you are emotionally overwhelmed, co-dependent, and hoping love will fix what communication and maturity should be handling.

And let’s be clear: love doesn’t fix anything. Effort does. Consistency does. Accountability does. Neither of you is doing those things; you’re both stuck in your heads, imagining worst-case scenarios, panicking, and calling it love.

You think he’s going to break up with you every week because you know the relationship is unstable. That’s not intuition, that’s recognition.

[Member]

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