[Heartbroken713]

So a little bit of history before I get into what I need advice on. I am 27 my bf is 24. We had met in 2006. He was 17 and I was 19. At that time it was just a situation where we hung out, partied and had relations. At some point we went our separate ways. In 2011 we were reconnected and the connection was there immediately. Now mind you he had a terrible upbringing, he lived a life of partying, fighting, in and out of jail. So when we reconnected in 2011 he was still somewhat in that lifestyle. He worked really hard to be with me because I refused to live that kind if life. Needless to say I finally gave in and decided to be with him. We got together on 9/7/11. June of the following year he had his crap together. He was working a good job. He got pulled over and he had warrant in KY. They took him to jail. I found out the next day I was pregnant. He had to go to jail for 9 months. He missed the entire pregnancy and the birth of our child. I stood by him through it all. He came home on 3/13/13. We had lived with my aunt for a little bit until he started working again. And he did almost immediately. So we moved to a very good neighborhood so my son could go to a good school. We got a nice house. It was ours. We have built a beautiful life together this far. We both have recently made career changes. We both have very good jobs. However, he works 2nd shift I work 1st. He works 60 hours a week. So throughout the week we see each other for like an hour a day. Then on the days that he does get off he just wants to sleep. It has caused some conflict. But not anything detrimental. Our sex life has suffered a bit due to the difference in schedules. About a month ago is when everything started changing. He stopped calling me on his breaks, he isn’t affectionate anymore, he just doesn’t seem happy. So I tried talking it out and he refuses to talk about anything. So this past week has just turned into hell. I tried making him talk to me last Saturday, it turned into a fight. The kids and I went and stayed with a family member. We went home Monday. He typically comes home from work around 3:40a.m. all this week he hasn’t gotten home until 5a.m. Or after. He acts as if I don’t exist. He doesn’t contact me. He says he doesn’t know what is wrong. He says his heart isn’t in it anymore. He told me he loves me and that he will always love me but he needs to leave for a little bit to take time and space. He says he feels like he doesn’t deserve all of the things that I have given him I.e. My love, our daughter. He just keeps going back and forth. Well now he has gone. He doesn’t contact me. It’s like POOF I don’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to do or what has happened. I do know that I am devastated. And I love him very much. But I am slowly dying. Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Before I answer your question, can you give me a little more information? You said you have one child with this guy, but then you mentioned “kids” plural. How many children do you have? Also, if you do have other children, what is your relationship with the other father/s?

I’ll look out for your answer and respond as soon as you post! 😀

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[Heartbroken713]

I have a 9 month old daughter with him. And a 6 year old boy with someone else. My relationship with the other father is like friends. But now new info has come about. I found out he has been talking to a girl this week and they have spent time together. He says he is doing it to see where his heart is. He wants to test himself. I call BS. he said he wants to want to be here with us. And he wants to want me. He just needs time away.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, got it! Thank you for the extra information. 🙂

It sounds like you’re 27 years old and have two children with two different fathers, but have never married. This guy you want has a history of partying, fighting and serving jail time — which you knew about before dating him. You didn’t mention what crimes he committed, but if he was in jail for 9 months, it’s pretty clear he didn’t ignore a couple of traffic tickets. 😕 That’s a long time, and a pretty steep sentence for something or other.

It’s unfortunate that he missed your pregnancy and the birth of the baby, while incarcerated, but you gave it a shot and tried to make things work. It’s great that you chose a nice home in a neighborhood with a good school for you child from a different man, but his working 60 hours a week, and you being on a different shift and not seeing him much, is a lot of stress for a couple [i]without[/i] the challenges the two of you have had. You acknowledged that your sex life flagged because of your schedules, but I don’t think that you’re seeing how this all added up to him wanting a different kind of relationship. What he has with you is all about responsibility, and while you may see it as a beauitulf life, he may not see it the same way. In fact he’s been clear with you that he’s dating at least one other woman to “test the waters”.

My advice to you is not to look to him for stability. From what you’ve written, it sounds like he isn’t up to it. Instead, you have to focus on being a mother to your 6 year old and 9 month old. Unfortunately, I don’t think that living with him without a commitment is going to work for you — if you’re dying inside, AND raising two kids, they’re going to pick up your depression. And he’s clearly not ready for a commitment to you. So as hard as this is to hear, I think that moving on and being a single mother, living as a single mother is a great idea for you. Make sure you get a custody agreement so that he can have time with his daughter and give you a break.

I’m sorry for your sadness, but you will get through this, once you let go of dreams that aren’t realistic and focus on what you can and will do for yourself. 😉

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