[FallenAngel]

So my ex-boyfriend and I have been separated for about 6 months. He has been wanting to get back together and we have been talking off and on with the possibility of working things out. We have been getting along and things have been good. We had a few casual booty calls over the few months and this last time we talked about dating and working things out. During the week I asked him what his plans were Saturday. He said him and his friend might go to the haunted house 2 hours away. I thought that was fine and I said so, but he said he had said he wasn’t sure about going since tickets were $100. I told him he should go and it would be fun but he said he would so much rather hang out with me. And he said he really couldn’t afford it so we should definitely do something. I even said are you sure you should really go it will be fun. Nope, I would so much rather be with you is what he insisted. So we made weekend plans, overnight for Saturday and all day Sunday. So Saturday come along overnight bag, change outfits three times because I’m nervous and want to look cute and then I get a text message saying even though I said I couldn’t go my friend went and bought the tickets anyway, and its like $200 so I have to go. I’m sorry. So at this point I was totally crushed and in tears, so I spent the whole day in bed watching tv. I was sincerely hoping Sunday I would get an apology and something, anything to show he wanted to make it up to me, but nothing not a single word until Monday morning. I could’ve gotten over the inital stand up on Saturday because I did kind of understand the position he was in but I just feel like if he really had wanted to spend the time with me even if he was afraid I “would hate him” as he put it if he contacted me Sunday he would have made the effort. Before we called it quits for good before we were living together, I had made him move out and suggested if he still wanted to be together we could try dating again, starting over get to know each other again and I got stood up a lot then too. But he thinks I’m being a little over dramatic about it all. And yes if it were one instance and one occasion sure but I think the fact that we were supposed to be working towards making things work makes it much more intolerant. But maybe I am overreacting I would love some advice!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little — how long were you dating? Living together? And why did you break up?

When you break up with someone, the reason for the break up is very important when you’re considering reuniting. So knowing some background information will help. 😉

As for his recently standing you up, there are a couple of things you can do to help yourself. First of all, don’t ask him to get together. It sounds like you were the one who asked what his plans were for Saturday night — that’s basically letting him know you want to get together. I know it seems harmless, but what it does is to take away his opportunity to ask you out on a date. His asking you out on a date is a barometer of how much and when he wants to get back together. I talk a lot about women chasing men and how this is a bad idea — and I know it probably doesn’t feel to you like you’re chasing him, but…. when you make the first move, even one as subtle as asking him what he’s doing Saturday, you’re chasing him in a way that takes his opportunity to make that first move, away, and it will confuse you, even more. Many women make a first move like you did, so they can feel good about the relationship. They want to feel that they have a date coming up, and that the guy wants to see them. But… it’s not that clear when you do the initiating. When he’s the one who comes up with the idea, executes it, and tries to win you over, you’ll know how he feels.

Now, the fact that he stood you up for $200 is a measure of his interest in you. 😳 Try not to feel bad, as much as grateful for that information. I know you want things to be different, but if you accept reality, you’ll have a much easier time of life, and dating. He’s not that into you. But he’s not going to turn down a booty call or a cheap weekend with you — unless haunted house tickets come along. 😕

I hope that helps you decide what to do next. If you do write back, it would help if you answer my questions, above, along with submitting any further questions you have for me. 🙂

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[FallenAngel]

Re: I am overreacting?

[quote]Fill me in a little — how long were you dating? Living together? And why did you break up?

When you break up with someone, the reason for the break up is very important when you’re considering reuniting. So knowing some background information will help. 😉[/quote]

We dated for almost two years, we moved very fast and moved in together right away. We broke up because we had terrible communication and well he’s pretty much the text book definition of a narcissist. We had some loans in our name together so we have had to get along and keep in communication and he’s being trying to win me back ever since. He tells me that I am the love of his life and he will always wait for me. I have been using him more for a booty call than he was using me but I did have hopes that since our communication has gotten so much better we might have a chance. But you may be absolutely right and he may not be that into me. Today he asked if he “could see me sometime soon” and I replied with “that would be nice”, his reply was “whenever you’re ready I’m ready”. I haven’t responded. I am a single mom that works full time and I have military obligations so my schedule is jam packed so usually he waits for me to tell him when I have time available and then we make whatever plans but how do I get him initiate a date and to commit to a plan when I’m the busy one. If he can’t or wont then I will know for sure he has no desire to be with me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for filling me in!

You know, given that he stood you up for a $200 evening with friends, and after dating him for two years, you describe him as a narcissist, 😳 I’m wondering if the booty call pay off is really worth it for you. 😕 You sound like you’re emotionally invested in him — and if he wasn’t a narcissist who wasn’t that into you, that might be okay, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot in it for you because of your disappointments with his behavior. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. If you know he’s a narcissist, you shouldn’t expect anything else. 😉

The fact that you’re a single mom with military obligations tells me you’re busy. I get it! And thank you for all you do for our country. 😀 Now, you need to do something for yourself! 🙂 My advice is that you find someone else to date. Understand that women get emotionally connected to men they’re having sex with, so even though you call it a “booty call” it’s more than that for you. It’s a relationship that’s got lots of problems. Look for someone who’s not a narcissist and I think you’ll have a much easier time of things.

Hope that helps!

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[FallenAngel]

Very Helpful!!!! Thank you 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

You’re not overreacting, you’re finally seeing a pattern clearly. This wasn’t “one bad Saturday”; it was the exact behavior he showed you before. Someone who truly wants to rebuild a relationship never stands you up for something shiny that pops up especially not when you had an overnight planned, when he insisted he’d rather be with you, and when he knows your time is limited as a single mom and through the military. His behavior reveals priorities: you are convenient for him, but not important enough to protect, plan for, or follow through on. That hurts and your reaction is completely normal.

The narcissist part matters more than you want it to. You described him perfectly: someone who loves the idea of you, the access to you, the emotional comfort, the attention but not enough to give consistency, effort, or accountability. Narcissistic types are champions at talking big (“love of my life,” “I’ll always wait for you,” “whenever you’re ready”) but their actions always betray the truth. For him, the prize is access to you… not commitment to you. You’re emotionally attached because of history, habit, intimacy, and hope but the relationship itself doesn’t give back what you’re giving. That’s why you always end up hurt or confused.

April is absolutely right about the chasing dynamic and you’ve been doing more than you realize. When you asked about Saturday, you thought you were being casual. But what it actually did was remove the opportunity for him to demonstrate real initiative. Men who want a relationship step up with effort, planning, and follow-through. He, on the other hand, responds only when your availability makes his life easy. He puts in the minimum and because you’re the busy one, the person with real obligations, the effect is even worse: he gets away with offering almost nothing in return. You’re doing all the emotional labor, all the scheduling, all the hoping and he reaps the benefits without earning them.

the fact that a $200 outing with friends outweighed a weekend reconnecting tells you everything you’ve been trying not to accept. If a man is truly in love with you, invested in a future with you, and desperate to repair a breakup… nothing especially not haunted-house tickets takes priority. When he chose that over you, and then didn’t even contact you the next day, it wasn’t an accident. It was clarity. He doesn’t think like a partner. He thinks like someone who wants enjoyment and convenience without emotional responsibility.

You deserve more than scraps disguised as “maybe someday”. You’re a single mom, working full-time, serving in the military you operate on structure, integrity, commitment, and respect. This man needs you more than you need him. And the real danger here isn’t the stand-ups; it’s losing months or years waiting for a narcissist to suddenly develop consistency. They don’t. His behavior today is the same as six months ago… and two years ago… and it will be the same two years from now.

And this is the heart of it it’s time to emotionally detach from this cycle and open space for someone who actually chooses you. The booty-call connection is what’s keeping you emotionally stuck. You’re not built for casual you attach when there’s feelings and history. That’s not a flaw; that’s your heart working how hearts work. The healthiest next move is not trying to “make him plan dates.” It’s stepping away entirely. No drama, no speech, no fight just choosing yourself. You don’t need one more redo with him. You need a clean slate with someone who shows up on time, keeps his word, and sees your value without you having to shape yourself around his inconsistency.

[Tara]

Your ex doesn’t care about you at all. He’s using you for sex and attention, and you’re letting him because you’re clinging to some fantasy version of him that has never existed. He fed you the “I’d rather be with you” bullshit because he knows you’ll eat it up, then the moment something better popped up, he ditched you like an old sock. And you sitting there crying all day? He didn’t give it a second thought.

You’re not “overreacting.” You’re being pathetic. He has stood you up repeatedly, and instead of dumping him, you’re still here asking the internet if maybe it’s your fault. It’s not your fault; it’s your choice to still entertain this clown. If he actually wanted you, he’d show up. He didn’t even bother to fake effort the next day. That’s how little you matter to him.

[Sally]

That kind of thing hits in a quiet, embarrassing way, like you got your hopes up and he didn’t even notice. What really stands out isn’t the haunted house it’s how easy it was for him to drop you after making it sound like he wanted you. And then not even checking in the next day? I’ve been in that spot, waiting for a text that never comes, trying to act like it shouldn’t bother me when it totally does.

You’re not overreacting. You’re just finally seeing a pattern you’ve seen before. And once you see it, it’s hard to unsee. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means you’re tired of being the one who shows up while he keeps proving he won’t.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re in a really tough spot emotionally. You’ve spent almost two years with this man, lived together, and shared a lot of life experiences including financial entanglements so it’s natural that you’d still feel connected to him. At the same time, it’s equally apparent that your relationship has some serious red flags, particularly his narcissistic tendencies and the way he prioritizes other things over your time and emotions. Being stood up for a $200 outing with friends is not just a minor slip. it’s a concrete example of where your needs and feelings rank in his priorities. That alone says a lot about the level of commitment and care you can expect from him.

The dynamic you describe, where you initiate plans and he waits for you to tell him when you’re available, highlights a pattern of passive engagement on his part. Even when he claims you’re the love of his life, his actions are inconsistent and self-centered. A partner who truly wants to be with you will make the effort to work around your schedule, not just wait for your availability. It’s not about a single instance; it’s about the repeated pattern of behavior over months and years. You deserve someone whose actions consistently reflect the importance of your relationship, not someone who only shows interest when it’s convenient or when you take the lead.

Another concern is the emotional cost this relationship is exacting from you. You’ve admitted that you’ve used him for casual encounters at times, but you still have hope for a deeper connection. That mix of hope and disappointment is emotionally draining, especially for someone managing the responsibilities of single parenthood and a demanding schedule. It’s important to recognize that while he may say all the right words, his behaviors tell a very different story. Narcissistic tendencies, like the ones you’ve identified, make it very difficult for someone to prioritize another person’s needs, even if they claim to love them. Emotional consistency, respect, and reliability are far more important than words, and those seem to be missing here.

My advice would be to take a hard look at what you want and deserve in a partner. It sounds like you need someone who can match your emotional investment and be present in a tangible, reliable way not just in theory or words. Right now, your ex is giving you intermittent attention, leaving you unsure, and causing repeated hurt. That uncertainty is not something you should tolerate, especially when you’re balancing so many other responsibilities. It may be time to focus on yourself and your needs, and consider moving on from him to find someone who truly values you consistently. Trusting yourself to walk away from this cycle of mixed signals is not giving up, it’s prioritizing your emotional well-being and future happiness.

[Member]

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