[jolynn44]

I don’t know where else to go or who else to turn to. I have tried getting advice from others, and I can’t. All I get is judged. I’m tired of being judged. So please, no judging. Advice only please…

I am currently living with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. Together, we have raised my 3 1/2 year old daughter from an affair, and now about to have a child of our own. I love him more than any man on earth, but I haven’t been the best girlfriend. Like I said before, my first child was from an affair. This child I’m pregnant with is not, but I did have another affair when I was 5 months along (I am currently 7 months). I’m not proud of it. I’m very ashamed. I have been flooded with guilt. And I tried to forget that it happened, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t tell him. How he found out sucks. He was looking through my email trying to find something from a friend of ours, and found a conversation between myself and the man I had an affair with. I didn’t delete the emails, which was a big mistake. So of course, he woke me up and asked me about it. I admitted it, and nothing has been the same. We fought for two days, he doesn’t say I love you anymore, there is hardly any passion, and he keeps saying that he doesn’t know if he could ever trust me again. When we finally stopped fighting, I thought things went back to normal. But, apparently, while at work, he has been having thoughts of “Should I find someone better?”, “Do I deserve better?”, and looking at other girls, and it hurts. I found this out a few days ago. I have been really depressed since.
Now the reason for what I did.. For a good while, we have gotten into swinging with other girls. I’m guessing jealousy played a part in my reason, because only girls were allowed in the play, but guys weren’t. He has a problem with other men being involved. So he got to experience the new pleasure, and I really didn’t. Another reason is loneliness. He started playing video games again right after I got pregnant. He spent more time on them than with me. I would beg him to pay attention to me, and he would beg to play his games. I was so frustrated for attention, both emotional and sexual, that I looked for it elsewhere. I really wish I hadn’t. And, as of two days ago, he has been thinking of inviting a girl over while I am home and possibly having me stay in another room while he has sex with her in our bed. He said that would be his way of getting revenge.
I have tried to do everything right since I cheated. I haven’t talked to any strange guys or asked to meet up with them for sex (the only guys I talk to are my best friends from high school), I haven’t browsed, I haven’t had sex wtih anyone else, I have kept myself busy with other things like setting up the baby’s room, I have been completely honest about everything I do and who I talk to, I don’t delete my emails, I let him look through my email, phone, and facebook… I want him and only him. I want things back to the way they were before, I want to hear him say I love you again, I want the passion back, I want the trust back, I want to go one damn day without crying.. I am so determined to fix it, but he acts like he doesn’t want to..

Please help me!!!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know that you want the trust back, and I guarantee you that he does, too. We all want things — but getting them is what takes work. Trust has to be earned and that is going to take time. If you are willing to invest the time to continue doing what you’re doing, then that’s all you can do. You can’t make him trust you — you have to show him that you’re trustworthy, and he is the only person who will be able to deem you trustworthy or not because he is the only one you care about acknowledging you as trustworthy. So, that’s simple. It may not be in the time frame you want, and you certain don’t have control over him, but you do have control over your own behavior and you have control over how long you stay in the relationship.

The real problem isn’t the cheating, though. Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and you’ve explained a couple of good reasons that people cheat, but one of them, swinging, threesomes and inviting others into the bedroom, is a surefire way to break up a relationship. Whenever someone comes to me on this forum and talks about introducing a third party into sex — usually, it’s consensual — it always ends poorly. Because you have a relationship with this guy that includes threesomes, you’re in a relationship that is doomed whether you cheat or not. So, unless you’re willing and he’s willing to make the relationship about the two of you only, this isn’t going to work.

As for your loneliness in the relationship, as a reason for the cheating — I bet that some of that loneliness came as a result of your feeling rejected by him when he was having sex with the other women you agreed to invite into the bedroom. No blame. No judgment. But you have to do the math. If you invite others into your bedroom, you’re going to eventually find yourself outside of it. 😳 That’s not judgment. It’s just my expert opinion based on what I’ve seen.

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