[LMLRGDLCL]

So I was dating this guy about a year ago and it started off really weird immediately. He was awkward and all over the map right from the beginning which made me weird. He is on meds and had been diagnosed with depression. He is also, I just learned, a recovering addict. We dated on a sort of normal bases (why? because he seems very hurt and insecure and I thought I could be there for him) very briefly then sort of just became f-buddies. The last time I saw him he said something so outrageously hurtful I just left and determined not to have contact with him anymore. A few days later I changed my number for reasons unrelated to him but took it as an opportunity to have a clean break.

During the course of the year a lot happened. I had a boyfriend and he got into a pretty bad accident. We work in the same company so I always know what’s going on with him. We don’t work in the same department though so thankfully I never need to see him. They are different locations entirely.

Anyway I saw him at the Christmas party. Then he came looking for me back at my department claiming to miss me and when I agreed to exchange numbers I made it clear that I only wanted a friendship because I was being cautious but admittedly I was interested in more. He claimed that being just friends wasn’t something he thought he could do. So again, I admit, I hoped that meant something was about to happen. Fast forward about 3 months and nothing has happened except he sends me mixed signals.

He recently told me he had every intention of being with me back in the day but doesn’t really know how to do relationships. He also said he doesn’t really love people and it feels like a nightmare and like he is missing out on the meaning of life. He has also just had surgery so he’s been down about that.

So it’s clear to me nothing is going to happen here on a logical and rational level but I must admit that the little danglings of affection are keeping me hanging in like an idiot.

Additionally I do really care about the guy and I keep thinking about how love is suppose to be patient and about what you can give rather than what you can get so I keep thinking maybe he needs me to show him he can count on me or something.

Then I’m jerked back to reality and its like this crazy mother probably doesn’t mean any of the good he says and omg I want him the hell away from me.

After all of that, so sorry for the lenght, how do I get him totally away and keep away myself? I am weak and I need someone to jerk, jolt and shake some sense into me!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re blaming other people — men, in particular — for your lack of direction when it comes to dating. 😳 Instead of looking to others to guide your life, which is never a good idea — focus on what you want, and then decide to get it. I know this sounds like I’m trying to sell you a book, but you really should buy and read[b] Think & Date Like A Man[/b], a book I wrote for women like yourself who want more than they’re getting and need help with basics, as well as details and nuances in relationships. Here’s the link for the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

In a nutshell, don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t Mr. Right. If someone tells you they don’t know how to have a relationship, then find someone who does! If someone wants a friendship instead of a relationship that is romantic and focused on a possible future together, don’t waste your time trying to leverage that FWB or just friendship into something else. Find a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, and if marriage is in your future plans, your husband. If you don’t want a guy in your life, then don’t respond to him. It’s that simple. And…. that difficult if you have self-discipline and focus issues. Guys have sex because they can, so his affections towards you aren’t necessarily meaningful in the way you think they are. He wants to have sex and you’re willing — and that’s how it happens.

I hope you’ll read the book and then stay true to yourself — the part that wants the best for you. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
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[LMLRGDLCL]

Thanks.

I’ll state however, I am not the stereotypical woman that gets confused by a man having sex with me. I am someone who can easily have sex without emotion and it seems to be me who is walking away from very confused men a lot of the time. I certainly don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings and I never lead anyone on. I make it clear what I’m doing there and where I will be heading when I’m done.

Why the casual sex? Well, I’d love to be in a committed relationship with one person but it hasn’t worked out that way and I have needs. I’ve never been one of these people who is judgemental about people who have sex as long as its on the up and up. No body is cheating or lying to anyone, everyone is legal and wants to be there, everyone is safe. Have at it.

No, it isn’t his sex that is confusing me or leading me on. When I say fast forward 3 months and nothings has happened I also mean sexually. We’ve not had sex this go around. He just had back surgery and can’t do anything. We are not dating at all.

It’s his words that are leading me on. He will say things like “I love you just the way you are”, “I miss you” , “you will make a great mama some day”, “lets move in together”, “I have the itch, lets make a baby.”

See I may screw without feeling but like I said I never lead anyone on and I have never said a loving word in my life without meaning it. He’ll say those things but doesn’t make good on them or what some of them imply. If I said those things it would mean “I have feelings for you and let’s get something going here.” Then he’ll tell me he can’t. So he’ll say what he wants and then tell me why he can’t have what he wants.

Hey, here’s a good question. Does that sound like a guy who doesn’t want a relationship or guy who doesn’t want a relationship with me?

No disrespect but I am finding it hard to to see where I blame men for my lack of dating direction. He has a slew of pretty serious problems. Because I cared for him I made the choice a year ago to attempt to be there for him. That was me that made that choice. When it got to be cruel on his part I took off. I take responsibility for my choices and blame no one else for them. For instance when he came looking for me I could have declined his advance. I chose to go for it. I realize that.

I know There is something wrong with the way I’m dating. I know that because what I want is a partner I can journey with and that person ain’t here. However, blaming men or others isn’t the problem.

Still, I don’t get why this is so hard for me now. I am not sleeping with him now. I am seeing other people. I date a good deal. But I can’t stop thinking about him and I would rather be seeing him then anyone I am meeting right now.

I really don’t want to waste my time with someone that isn’t emotionally available and man do I get what you are saying there.

Still, you know it’s not that easy to just go out and find someone who wants to be my boyfriend and then we live happily ever after. We gotta share loves and passions for the same things, make each other laugh, he has to be loyal, honest and available. I have dated for a lot of years and all types of people. In the last few years I have really tried to venture out of my comfort zone as far as types. I will accept dates from all different kinds. Even people I am not attracted to thinking what if he’s awesome and makes me happy. Nothing has worked out yet.

I get that if I don’t want him around its up to me to make sure that happens though. I’ve always known. I guess I just wanted someone else to say it. The second I stop writing this I aim handle this and be done with it. I am always very clear with him so its really up to him if he will take me seriously and leave me alone.

Whether or not he respects my wishes is where the problem comes in.

I should remind you that he is depressed, in therapy, on meds, a recovering addict and in a group for that. He has severe self esteem issues and while my happiness is important to me I do worry that he will feel rejected and alone and I am someone who nurtures like a crazy person. It’s going to be hard for me if he reaches out. I know you are now thinking that the reason I am interested is because I am a nurturer but its not. I’ve had plenty of sad friends that were just friends. I didn’t fall in love.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please don’t take offense, but you’re not listening to him, and you’re not listening to me, either. 😳 You seem to have it all figured out…. but then you don’t. 😕

My advice is to re-read my original response to your query, buy the book I suggested — and read it, and consider that what you’re doing isn’t working and you need to try something different. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[LMLRGDLCL]

Thanks all the same but I don’t think you’re reading these post the way they are intended. I’m sure you have a lot going on. It’s just I never say I blame him for anything and I stated very clearly that I would end contact with him which is what I did yesterday. I also stated that I believe there is something wrong w/the way I’m dating but that blaming others isn’t the issue. I am listening to him. my trouble was doing what I knew I needed to do but that was resolved yesterday as stated. I was also wondering if he sounded like a guy who cant commit or a guy who simply has no interest in comitting to me. There is a difference. you are right about one thing though. i do have things figured out and then i dont do what needs to be done. Its a problem I’ve always had not just in my romantic life but in my life period. I see an issue. I know how it stared. It’s plain to see what to do to fix it and that’s as far as I get. It’s really held me back. Thanks again for your time. Take care.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not alone when it comes to knowing what to do, but having trouble doing it. Most people have good instincts, but then they don’t trust them. I’m glad you did what you wanted to do, ultimately! 🙂

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

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