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Ill keep it short and sweet because I value your time and advice.So I’m 28, recently divorced with three kids. I take very good care of myself, i would consider myself very attractive.I am educated and have a very successful career with a large beer company.I have worked with this guy for about 2 years and we became great friends, just recently we have started talking after we both confessed that we had a thing for each other. We stay up until midnight talking on the phone..to make a long story short we live 2 hours apart, I came up to the city he lives in and stayed in a hotel because my work sent me for conferences there… he took me to dinner, walked around town and had a great time. Well we had a couple to drink and ended up sleeping together… the next morning we had the talk…. he said he thought that was a mistake and he wants to just be friends because he doesn’t want to hurt his kids again (he has had two divorces) and he is self destructive and holds a lot of guilt for his last marriages failing maybe  later on down the road we will date. I was really honest with him when we first started talking that I’m really laid back and independant but I only sleep with people I’m in a relationship with because I can’t help but have feelings for that person after I do. he tells me later in the day that he has never opened up to some one like me, telling about his mother dying… and starts crying telling me a bunch of very personal stuff about him, saying he has never told anyone and that he is so lucky to have me in his life.. I just feel increadibly stupid, like I fell for a guys stupid trick to get in my pants. I decided to write him off and move on but he still calls and texts all the time and those feels are still there and i still like him. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]I decided to write him off and move on but he still calls and texts all the time and those feels are still there and i still like him. What do I do?[/quote]

In answer to the question in the body of your post, above: Don’t pick up his calls and block his e-mail if you have trouble getting him to back off. And for future, don’t sleep with a guy on the first date if you only want to have sex in a serious relationship. 😉 You’re right — that you, and all women, get attached emotionally when sex is involved, which is why it’s not a great idea to have sex on the first date. 🙄 As for this particular guy — he’s been clear with you by telling you that he made a mistake sleeping with you and just wants to be friends. 😕 That’s why I don’t know why you titled this post, “I’m confused, what does he want?” when he’s told you what he wants! 😯 You’re confusing yourself by ignoring his behavior. 😳 This guy is sending you a message loud and clear that he’s not interested in a real relationship, and he’s giving you a plausible reason. My advice is to believe him!

[b]You[/b] have to be clear on what[i] you[/i] want, and if it’s a relationship, then only spend time with men who want the same. You can’t be friends with him because he’s not your friend — friends don’t have sex with each other. 😉

My advice is to write this off as a mistake that you’ve learned from, and to use these lessons to choose more carefully next time! 😉

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Thank you for the honesty. Ive been was married so long and focused so much on my career and being a good mom to my three boys that I guess I’ve been out of the game for a while so I’m nervous about dating again and being able to tell the difference between guys that are interested in me and the guys that have not so great intentions. I’m kinda naive and always think everyone Is good and has good intentions. Any advice on where I even start?

[AskApril Masini]

Good question!

The first place to start, as I mentioned, is to know what you want. It sounds simple. It’s not. Do you want to re-marry? Do you want a man who has children? A certain lifestyle? Income? What happened that led to the divorce that you want to do differently this time? And these questions just skim the surface!

Next, figure out what your deal breakers are, and what you’re looking for in a man. If you don’t want to be a step-mother, then don’t date a single parent. If you don’t want to marry someone older than you — or younger than you — then don’t date someone in that age bracket. More often than not, I hear from people who didn’t clarify to themselves or others, what they have to offer or what they want in a partner, and they meet someone and get involved because of other nice qualities — but invest a year or more and then find themselves stuck because the person possesses a deal breaker quality they should have know was a deal breaker and paid attention to, but ignored.

And third, don’t jump into anything. Use this rule of thumb: Date a person for about three months during which time you figure out if you want to continue dating them. At the six month mark, decide if you want to be monogamous. And understand that dating is a process that allows you to get to know someone (and yourself), so you can decide if he’s Mr. Right — or not. 😉

Hope that helps start you on a good path.

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