[papaki5]

Hi April,
I would like to ask if the behavior I will describe is due to insecurity or something else? And what I should do about it.
I have been dating this guy for about 6 weeks. We first met 2 months ago, he approached me and perused me (flirting, bringing me little joke gifts etc..) and asked me out after 2 weeks.
Our first date was fine (we met for a drink) and we went for dinner on the second date (and each date since..). After our second date he contacted me every day. I found this a bit overwhelming but decided to carry on anyway. Over dinner he asks me a lot of questions (who my friends are, names, etc, where I go out, who with). I get that some people take more interest than others so again decided to carry on without questioning his motives.

Although what is bothering me is his constant ‘jokes’ about other women. For example if I cannot make a date he asked for he will say ‘oh I will go out with Cindy instead’, or text me to see what I am up to..’are you having fun, shopping? hitting on strangers?’..When I say no, he will ask if he can hit on strangers. We have had 2 weeks now where we have been geographically apart, temporarily. He has text/emailed me several times a day in this period and over the second week he has constantly been making these type of comments. I am not encouraging them by bantering back and would not usually have this much contact with a guy this early on but he obviously likes it so I will reply. However if I am busy or don’t get the text/email immediately he will send another asking why I haven’t replied and sometimes make ‘jokes’ like ‘you either are very busy or hate me, either way no big deal..’
Also, when I say something nice such as I miss him, or he says it to me, he will put it down by ending it with ‘but we both know this is not true’. He has also just admitted he lied about when he is coming back so I would not think he was trying to get off work and think he was lazy.

He is a nice guy but not my usual type so have not come across this before. I really wanted to give this a go and I think he does too but these unfounded behaviors are driving me away. It is exasperating telling someone you miss them and the say ‘they’d like to think that is true’ (with no reason to suggest it is not true!) or to receive a lovely email and then it is ruined at the end by making a comment about some made up woman!!

Am I right to think this is insecurity? And how do I handle this with him so that we can work it out, relax and enjoy ourselves at this early stage?

Sorry this is quite long for a simple question!

Thanks! 😀

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, he’s insecure. Massively so.

Since you want to pursue the relationship, I suggest you ignore his inappropriate remarks rather than respond. It takes two to tango, and if you stop dancing, he’ll be alone on the dance floor, and eventually he’ll walk off. So don’t respond to his insecure remarks. At all.

Next, don’t respond to all his texts and e-mails and calls. Play a little hard to get. If you keep playing his game, you’re going to encourage him to do more of the same. If you make him chase you he’s going to try harder to get the result he wants, so understand your part in this relationship and how you can change it.

I hope this helps.

[papaki5]

Thanks April.
I have tried the ‘no response’ technique for a while now and it seemed to send him into overdrive! I have only responded when he comes out with something that suggests I do not care or think badly of him. Such as when he lied worrying that I would think he was a slacker. I simply told him I do not think he is a slacker. I will persevere though and literally not respond to anything as you say.
I also have not been replying to all his texts/emails/calls. As I say this makes him very anxious and eventually I will reply. But is it ok for me to ignore a text when he is asking why I have not replied (several hours after his original text)? I would feel I was being rude if I did not answer the second text if it was from a friend, if only to say I am busy. But I do not want to facilitate his behavior.
I am just trying to find the balance here as I have never dealt with anything like this from a guy before.
Thank you so much! You give really straight-forward advice and it is appreciated!! 😀

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, you’re right that it’s entirely fine to ignore his multiple texts.

Second, you’re wrong that it’s rude to ignore the second text. Get over it. If he was responding normally, it may be rude, but he’s got an anxiety issue that may be a clinical disorder. You’re not being rude by ignoring the second text, in context of everything you’ve written. You’d be doing the right thing.

Third, try this: When he makes a remark or asks a question designed to create drama, like the one where he’s worried about you thinking he’s a slacker, don’t answer HIS question. In fact, don’t respond to his line of remarks. INSTEAD you set the agenda and ask him why he’s so anxious? Ask him if he has any idea that his anxiety and the questions and remarks he’s making are driving you away rather than pulling you closer. In other words, yank his covers. If you don’t, you’re heading straight into a co-dependent relationship where you make it okay for him to be dysfunctional, and as a result, become dysfunctional yourself.

If things don’t get better soon, you really have to consider that this guy doesn’t have the tools to be in a healthy relationship. There’s only so much you can do to get your needs met. The fact that he’s a nice guy isn’t enough to make things work, so don’t waste too much more time. Instead, figure out if there’s any real compatibility there, and if there’s not, move on.

I hope this helps.

[papaki5]

I totally get what you are saying and will do exactly what you advice. I had it in my head to speak to him as you have said when we are both back in the same city next week. I will see how it goes. Like you say if he cannot do a relationship without the anxiety and unfounded doubts I will pull out.
I realized today that it is not rude to ignore a dysfunctional text! So thanks for confirming it for me!! I am getting there 😀
Thank you so much!!

[Ask April Masini]

When you talk to him, remind him that there is so much about him you like, which is why you’ve stayed in the game thus far, but that this behavior of his is going to push you out because it’s exhausting and disturbing. So put out the good and the bad so he can have the opportunity to make a choice in his own life.

That said….you’d do really well to read my book, Think & Date Like A Man. It’s a dating book for women who are having trouble finding and keeping Mr. Right in their lives, and the reason I think you’d really get something out of it is that you noted here that you realized that not responding to a dysfunctional text is okay to do. What you’d learn more thoroughly and with more advice and explanation, from Think & Date Like A Man, is that wasting anyone’s time — yours or his — is no good. Being polite isn’t always what you think it is — in fact, if you really want to be a temptress who gets Mr. Big, you’re going to have to become EXPERT at what seems like ignoring his messages just enough to get him hooked enough to chase you. While you may think this is bad manners, in dating it isn’t. Dating has a whole different language than family life or the board room. If you don’t give him something to chase, he’s going to feel less like a man, and by answering every text, well, you know what I’m going to say — you’re letting yourself be the booby prize. 😮

Check out the book. You can download it here and read it this weekend. [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

You seem really bright and well intentioned, but I think you’d clean up with what you’d learn in this quick read.

Have a great weekend! 😀

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