[ontour]

I have known my boyfriend for many years. He has, since I have known him, been hurt and disillusioned by his ex-wife because she cheated.
We were apart for about 5 years, during which time he had another failed marriage. He reconnected with me last year and has expressed his love for me over and over in many ways, yet still distances himself when he really seems to be allowing himself to feel that depth for me.
I have a feeling that some of his friends and his family recognize this fear, but don’t know what to do. I think it is sad. I really don’t care if he chooses me or not, I believe everyone deserves to feel that connection and comfort of truly being with someone.
I know I have a big heart, but I also need more than being there when he needs understanding. I think an intervention type action is due. I also think friends and family need to be involved -for support and reassurance. I’ve known him a long time, but they have known him longer.
What is the best way to do something like an intervention? I think if I just talk to him he will try to brush it off and be strong. I believe I need family and friends there to really bring it out and get it moving to a better situation; and accept whatever the outcome is.

[AskApril Masini]

An intervention is a big deal, and it’s usually reserved for people who have hurt so many, including themselves, that you’re all at the end of your ropes and don’t know how to help this person any more. So you gather to share your feelings with him and ask him to listen, and possibly respond. Sometimes, there’s an ultimatum involved, like going to a rehab facility. That’s a nutshell version of what an intervention is.

However…. I’m not sure that that’s what’s necessary here — maybe you can fill me in a little more. How old are you both? How long have you been dating? It sounds like he’s had two divorces since he was dating you — or maybe one marriage and divorce while he had broken up with you, but now you’re back together. I can’t tell, so help me out with the details. 😉 Also, I’m a little confused when you say he’s your boyfriend, but you also mentioned that you don’t care if he chooses you or not. I’m not sure what that means. Help me out. 😀 Tell me more about the relationship you have with him, and why you think he needs an intervention. I can’t really tell because I think a bunch of details have been left out….. I’m sure when you write back, I’ll get a better picture.

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[ontour]

When we met he had been divorced over 5 years. We dated on and off for about 8 years, then broke up for about 5 years. During that break up he was married and divorced. He is now 42 and I am 47.
Yes, I think he is hurting himself and his family by not coming to terms with his feelings. He has told me numerous times that he feels like he has failed by not having successful marriages. 1st marriage she cheated, he went through counseling with her, but she didn’t make an effort. Really created tough situation with their son. 2nd sounded like she really changed and no longer wanted the same things…family, home, settling down. Really sad.
He has always been open and caring with me, then can get very protective; he says he doesn’t deserve me. Being very hard on himself, like he needs to be perfect. Then that usually causes him to get quiet. I’ve gotten him to open up, and I think that scares him believing he’s not the tough guy…no longer one in his gang of friends. Like they have all been perfect and strong? ??
His mom said some things like how great it was to have me over, and enjoyed having me meet her mother (Boyfriends grandma). She gave me this hug and this look a few months ago…I could be totally reading into it, but I know that look. I’ve seen it in my mom’s eyes because my brother went through a rough relationship. Even his sister-in-law took me aside to tell me how much my BF was working and him taking me to family events and houses was great to be a part of. His brother and sister-in-law laughed because I really liked the new motorcycle his brother got and we spent so much time looking at it and talking about it. My BF and I spent so much time there because it was so much fun.
Now there isn’t much time for that. BF working, family obligations, low on money…he is pulling away.
I know intervention is a strong word. I just want him to know that we support him and know there will be difficult times, he doesn’t always have to be strong. And I meant that if he said he needed time or might struggle figuring things out, I would give him time. The important thing is that he be honest and communicate with me, with us all.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it! 🙂 Thanks for the details. It feels like you’ve filled in the blanks.

After reading this last post, I’m not sure that an intervention is really going to be effective — and I think you may feel that way, too, now. He doesn’t seem to have addictive behavior, and he’s been married and divorced twice at age 42, which isn’t all that unusual in today’s world. In other words, he’s not acting out. He’s just not communicating with you the way you’d like. 🙁 That’s not really what interventions are meant to cure — if someone is a chronic liar, or they’re keeping secrets that put your safety in danger, and your well being in danger, interventions have been known to be effective. But if he’s simply pulling away from you, that may be a more contained situation and call for a more contained response, rather than a group intervention. Make sense? 😉

I’m wondering if what’s really going on here is that you want him to realize what he has in you, and after having done that, propose marriage so the two of you can give that a try. If that’s what’s going on, it’s important for you to be honest with yourself. 😉 That situation has a lot more to do with changes you can make in your behavior than it does with him. I think you’re saying that you want him to know how much he’s loved and cared for — and that has to do with yourself and others than it has to do with him.

If, however, I got that wrong, and you simply want him to be someone who appreciates the good around him, then you have to be patient, and be careful not to enable him or to try and manipulate him to be someone he isn’t. It’s very difficult for a lot of people who want things to be good and happy, on their particular timeframes. In other words, he may become the guy you want him to — but on his watch and his timeframe, not yours. Or, he may not. The reality is that he has to be the one to make changes if he wants to feel differently in his own life, and by giving him space, you can do him a big favor — if that’s what’s going on here.

If you do write back, let me know why the two of you broke up after dating for 8 years — that’s a long time to be dating for things to fizzle or fail.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

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