[Sega]

I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now. We kissed a month ago and fooled around in my car. The next day, he asked me to go over to his place. I declined. I did not want to get too attached if he thinks we are casual. I told him about my past experience of being molested as a child and that I have trust issues- that I would not just jump into bed casually.
When I declined his offer, I told him that I enjoy hanging out with him and that I am physically attracted to him but I cannot do what he wants now.He said we will see and that he does not know how long he can wait.
We are still talking and meeting but I feel that the energy that was once there is lost. I often wonder if this guy likes me or if he is just waiting to see if he will eventually get to sleep with me. He is difficult to read. Any thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s not that into you — if he was, he’d make you feel special and want to win you over and show you off to his friends. That’s how you can read someone you’re dating. If he takes you out and tries to show you a good time, it’s because he wants to impress you and because he values you. If he just sees you when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t really make an effort, he’s not that into you.

My advice is that you let go and move on. Play the field and date guys who are interested in you and a relationship, because it seems like that’s what you want. When you hang out and get together because it’s easy for the guy, you’re sending him the message that this kind of dynamic is okay — but if it really isn’t okay with you, don’t create a pattern of behavior that shows him it is. Be honest with yourself first, and him, as well. 😉

[Sally]

What stands out to me is how he responded when you said no. Not angry, but not exactly reassuring either. Saying he doesn’t know how long he can wait kind of tells you where his focus is. When a guy is really into you, he usually cares more about keeping you comfortable than testing the clock.
That shift in energy you’re feeling is probably real. You didn’t imagine it. A lot of times, when things cool off right after sex is off the table, it’s because that was a big part of what was driving things.
That doesn’t make you wrong. You were honest. You were clear. If he sticks around and shows up without pressure, you’ll know. If not, that’s information too. And it’s okay to listen to it.

[Tara]

Yes, the energy is gone because the moment sex was taken off the table, his interest dropped.
You did nothing wrong. You set a boundary. He responded with “we’ll see” and “I don’t know how long I can wait.” That is not patience. That is a countdown clock. A man who actually cares about you doesn’t frame intimacy like a deadline or a favor he’s owed for hanging around.

Stop overanalyzing his mixed signals. They’re not mixed at all. He wanted sex sooner. You said no. He stayed, but emotionally pulled back. That’s what men do when they’re recalibrating whether the payout is worth the investment. Harsh, but true.

Your trauma is not a negotiation chip. If a man hears your history and his response is quiet withdrawal instead of reassurance, safety, and consistency, then he is not equipped to be with you. Full stop. You don’t need someone who is “waiting it out.” You need someone who chooses you even when sex is delayed.

Right now, you’re staying because you hope he’ll prove he likes you for more than your body. That’s backwards. If you have to wonder, you already have your answer.

[Member]

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