[MistressCeleste]

Hello there,

I’ve never reached out to anyone like this, but I honestly don’t know what else to do and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Here goes nothing…

I’m a 45 year old woman who discovered back when I was a teenager that I’m a lesbian. Still, being a very good Catholic girl I never acted upon it. In fact, I spent most of my life going in and out of relationships with men who I told myself that I loved but that I knew in the deepest recesses of my heart that I truly didn’t. All that ended exactly 19 months ago. I took a huge leap and placed an ad on a lesbian dating site. And there I met her…

Mari is…perfection. I never knew I was capable of feeling such an extreme amount of love. She told me on our first meeting that she just wanted sex – that she’d been hurt too much in the past to ever give her heart to anyone again. Yet, a strange thing happened; she began sharing all the pain from two abusive marriages with me and we not only became genuine lovers…we became absolute, intense best friends. We’ve been together ever since and there have been a million moments of true peace and beauty, and there have also been a lot of difficulties.

Mari wasn’t easy to earn the trust of; she’d been betrayed far too much, but I feel like I finally made it and, believe it or not, she’s finally reached a point that she tells me I’ve won over her heart and that she hopes to build a life with me. I should be the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Still, I cry half the time, just like I’ve been crying tonight.

You see, Mari believes that being gay has ruined her life and that of the teenage children she’s had through her marriages. She’s embarrassed by it and she’s determined no-one will ever know. Her children, of course, do know, but she insists they don’t know we’re together. She warns me all the time that if I behave as anything more than a friend in front of them I’ll be kicked to the curb. In public, if I even stand too close to her she lashes out at me verbally, calling me stupid. If I forget myself and accidentally say even “honey” within ear reach of someone she’ll stare daggers into me and tell me later that she hates me and wants me to go away. The moment I begin to go away though, she rushes after me and begs me to come back. This “please stay, go away” mentality is driving me out of my mind! I am so friggin’ confused and it hurts so badly.

Everything kind of changed tonight though. We’d planned for weeks for me to fill in for her and take one of her children to a school event tomorrow morning. Suddenly Mari called and declared she had rearranged her schedule and would take the girl herself. When I said “aw, I wanted to go” she simply said “no way.” The daughter then called, crying because she’d hoped to introduce me around her school. When I asked Mari if I could just tag along she told me no, because there would be too many questions from people she knows wanting to know who am to her. She said she couldn’t trust me, although I haven’t accidentally touched her, said a loving word or even stood close to her in public for many months. When she realized she’d hurt my feelings and that I was beginning to tear up over the phone she began sighing “okay, you can come.” For the first time since we met though, I began to put a foot down. I told her that I wouldn’t go anywhere I’m not wanted and, if she wanted me there, she would have to tell me that. Hours of texts and calls later, she couldn’t do it. She kept telling me what time to be there, but could NEVER say she actually wanted me. Although I kept telling her how much I love her and that all I want is to feel loved and wanted in return…she hung up on me, saying finally that I can’t pressure her into being someone she’s not and that I can jump off a bridge if I think that’s the right way to treat her.

19 months, and I feel like I’ve been fighting a war to break down these mammoth walls she’s built around herself. Her kids are like my own now. Our homes feel like each others. I’ve always said she was worth any battle I had to fight in order to break through to her. Yet, tonight I just feel drained and I think I might have finally pushed a wrong button, making her pull too far away. Is there any advice out there? Something I can do differently? She won’t see a counselor because she says all she needs is me to talk to in order to make herself better. She won’t compromise when it comes to ANYTHING because she’s been taken advantage of so badly in the past. I don’t know if I can go on being in the wrong for loving her so deeply like this any longer, but I also know she’s the only person is this world who’s ever whispered about truly loving me.

Can someone help, please?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, this is love. But you’re in love with someone who isn’t honest with other people about her relationship with you. 🙁 You’ve spent a lot of energy trying to get her to love you in public and in private, but she has control issues and doesn’t want to be judged, so she’d rather keep you in the closet, than live a life that is “out” and free.

You have two choices. You can live by her rules and her time frame and hope that she’ll eventually become comfortable enough to live a life that is honest in all aspects. Or you can decide that for all her wonderful qualities, keeping you and her relationship with you in the closet, is a deal breaker. The choice is yours, but it’s important that you’re clear on it.

Love, alone, isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Many people love each other, but can’t find happiness because of deal breakers like the one you’re up against. Time for you to do some soul searching and ask yourself if your feelings for her are stronger than your feelings for the type of life you want to live, yourself.

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