[Alice360]

2 days ago my bf left his phone at home. I had suspicions so I looked and found a contact by the name of ”Tyler’s Friend”. I read the messages and my bf asked them for an address last month. The day he was supposed to be fishing with a friend of ours who he did take with him. I got smart and discovered that Tyler’s Friend is actually his ex gf. He hunts with his bro. who lives 2hrs away. They leave at 5am everyday so it’s logical for my bf to stay close to his bro’s house. Can’t stay with the bro, cuz the mother-in-law won’t allow it. He told me he was staying at his friend Tyler’s friend’s house who wouldn’t be home all week.. It turns out that he lied and was at his ex gf’s. They dated at 14yrs old. Since then he’s been maintaining conversations with her behind my back, deleting them so I don’t find out. Knowing he was busted, he confessed that he stayed there, and that he’d been to see her a few times since as ”just smoking buddies” cuz he needed a place to smoke his weed when he’s in the city fishing. He also confessed he spent one night at his brother’s. So now I think he lied about not being able to stay there too.He went to her house as recently as last month.Would I be crazy to believe him that nothing is going on? I’ve caught him crying a couple times now in secret. Normally he throws that in my face to cause pity so I won’t be mad anymore. To hide the crying is telling me there’s more to this story.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. It sounds like he’s having an affair with his ex-girlfriend. Since you’ve been together for 12 years and have a 4 year old child together, you have a lot invested. The important thing to remember is that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s very easy to point fingers and blame someone, but this isn’t a person who is a chronic liar. He’s someone who decided to go outside your relationship to feel good about himself. The question for you is, what was he getting from his extracurricular romance that he wasn’t getting at home, and if you can answer that, you’ll find a way to heal the relationship. Sexual betrayal is very devastating, but it’s not always the end of the relationship. Open communication and talk to him about why he went to her and what he gets there… and then, if he wants to make things work with you, figure out where the two of you can begin to heal. 😉 I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[Sally]

It’s not just that he stayed there. It’s the lying, the fake name in his phone, the deleting messages, the half-truths that only come out once he’s cornered. That’s not nothing. That’s effort. People don’t put that much work into hiding something harmless.

Just smoking buddies doesn’t explain why he couldn’t be honest from the start. It doesn’t explain the address request, or the staying over, or why the story keeps changing. And it definitely doesn’t explain why you feel this unsettled.

The crying doesn’t mean he’s innocent. Sometimes it just means guilt finally caught up.
You don’t need proof of cheating to be allowed to say this feels wrong. Trust is already cracked here. Don’t talk yourself out of what you’re clearly seeing.

[Tara]

He didn’t “accidentally” end up at his ex’s house. He didn’t “forget” to tell you. He didn’t just need a “place to smoke.” He constructed lies, renamed a contact, deleted messages, coordinated addresses, and slept there. That’s not confusion. That’s strategy. People who have nothing to hide don’t build cover stories like they’re running a low-budget spy operation.

The age they dated is irrelevant. That’s a smokescreen. Adults don’t secretly stay at exes’ houses, erase evidence, and cry in private because everything is innocent. They do it because they’re guilty and terrified of consequences.

His tears aren’t remorse. They’re fear. Fear of losing control of the situation. Fear that his manipulation had finally failed. And yes, he uses crying as a weapon when it works. The fact that he’s hiding it now means he knows you’re closer to the truth than ever, and he’s panicking.

Also, stop insulting your own intelligence with the “brother’s house” excuse. He lay there too. Once someone lies easily, repeatedly, and only confesses when cornered, you are no longer in a relationship; you’re in a deception audit.

[Member]

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