[Anonymous]

The whole story it is I met a guy at the airport two years ago december 2007. Through this whole time we kept talking and keeping in touch. When we first met he kept texting calling to see how I was. He always asked me to go to texas which I didnt because of school. We havent talked for a year because something my best friend did. She hacked into my facebook and deleted him. Made up a fake account and to see if she could get him. He thought it was me but it wasnt. I called him a couple of days because I was quite concerned about it. Than I told him the whole story it was my best friend and the account is deactivated and she was emailing him not me. He understood but was quite upset at me the same time because I was there when she activated it. He like do you know the last time we talked. I was like a couple of months ago. Hes like no june 29 2009. He kept all my letters and emails that I sent him. He said he was upset me but he understood. He said he wasnt as mad it happend but still couldnt believe it. He like you have changed for a person I dont even know. Than a couple of laters he kept asking for pictures of me and says he likes seeing me. He told me he not commitment to anyone and doesnt want a relationship with any girl. I still want him back and I have no idea what to do. Please help me. He always asks photos of me. Before when we first met we talked about everything for 6 months. How do i go back to that. Please help me.

[Ask April Masini]

My advice is to stop spending time on a guy you haven’t seen in three years, and who you have no plans to see anytime in the future. You’re wasting a lot of time on a relationship that is never going to amount to anything in real life — only cyberspace.

Spend your time with people you actually get together with instead of stirring up drama where there is none in reality. The internet is a great tool to find people to date and befriend — but it’s just a tool. It shouldn’t become the place where you live.

You and this guy may think you know each other, but you only know a small part of each other and that’s all you’ll ever know as long as you don’t date in real life. Time to move on to find guys who are in your area.

[Anonymous]

hey i totally have moved on but i still like his comments. I go dates all the time and keep comparing to him. Why does he ask photos of me all thet ime and constantly begs. He makes me feel guilty not sending it but i only do it if he was the boyfriend. He isnt right now but i dont know why he would care about photos of me even if he sleeping around. He makes me feel guilty not sending it too. Why cant we be friends and instead of him asking photos all the time. Please help me to be just his friend.

[Ask April Masini]

The reason he’s asking for photos of you is to build a fantasy relationship. He doesn’t really know you, so he’s trying to pretend he does. Your instinct not to send him the photos since you don’t really have a relationship with him or will have a romantic relationship with him, is correct.

He doesn’t MAKE you feel guilty. YOU allow yourself to feel guilty. Don’t blame him for that one! 😆 For many people, disappointing someone makes them uncomfortable. You’re disappointing him by not agreeing to send him photos of yourself, and he’s letting you know how disappointed he is. Somehow in your head you’re assuming responsibility for his feelings. Pull up your self esteem, and realize that [i]his[/i] disappointment is based on [i]his own unrealistic expectations[/i] of you and your relationship. That should help you let go of any guilt.

If you want to keep this relationship lite and breezy, then limit contact. If you only e-mail him once a week or once a day instead of multiple times a week or multiple times a day, he’ll get the message and you’ll be setting up good, healthy boundaries that serve you.

I hope that helps! 😀

[Anonymous]

If i want to keep this relationship lite and breezy only email him once a week. Will he still talk to me and be still intrested in me. He really thinks he knows me by asking photos of me. He wants a fantasy relationship. I never thought of it like that. Thank you so much for your help.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad my advice was helpful.

I think you’ll find that by limiting the contact you’ll lighten the relationship. You can always adjust the amount of contact you make as you see fit — you don’t have to react every time he contacts you or asks you for something. You have control of your own behavior, so use that to make your life more the way you want it! 🙂

[Anonymous]

hi how do i make him commited to me when he says he doesnt want any girl right now because of school. Is it wrong i have feelings for him. Thanks so much for your advice it helped completely. Is there a chance we could make this work.

[Ask April Masini]

Now you’re completely all over the map! 😯 You haven’t seen this guy in 3 years, and I suggested you stop investing energy in someone you haven’t seen and had no plans to see. You seemed to be interested in limiting his contact with you and were concerned about HIS fantasy relationship with you.

But now, SUDDENLY, you’ve completely changed your tune and want to know [i]how to make him committed to you[/i]. ?!?! 😮 What’s going on with you?

Just a few posts ago you wanted to limit contact — and now you’re asking me how to get a commitment from him? I thought the problem was him, but now I think you have some issues of your own that are much more compelling.

The reasons you can’t have a commitment from him are:

1. You wrote he doesn’t want a commitment.

2. You wrote he doesn’t want a girlfriend.

3. You live in different states.

4. You met him ONCE in an airport three years ago.

5. You haven’t seen him since them.

6. You have no plans to see him in the future.

That’s the practical side of why this won’t work. The more important problem here is that you’re asking if it’s wrong for YOU to have feelings for him. You’ve spent several posts trying to convince me that he’s the one who has feelings for you, but I think you were just projecting and have finally decided to tell the truth — that you’re the one who wants to hold on to this fantasy relationship.

The reason you should not entertain feelings for him is BECAUSE he’s not a real part of your life. And the reason having feelings for him would be wrong is if they keep you in denial about your fear of investing energy in real people. People keep fantasies like this because for whatever reason, they don’t want to have the fantasy become a reality in their lives. Something is holding you back from having a real boyfriend, and the more you let this fantasy guy be the obstacle between you and reality, the more damage you will do to yourself. My advice is that you spend your time on the people you DO see (in person) and that you can actually go out on dates with. Real boyfriends are a lot better than fantasy boyfriends. I promise! 🙂

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