[Anonymous]

My marriage

When I married HIM I believe I was in love. I mean who could ask for a better man? He is good looking, loves his mother, and country music, and is willing to dance with me to make me happy, loves my cooking, and denies me nothing. From the start however, we had problems that NOBODY knew about. Problems in the bedroom. He said he wanted to get with me when we first met because he thought I was “hot and cute” meaning he was physically attracted to my body…well I thought that meant he wanted to have sex/make love with me. Well sex with him has been problematic from the beginning, and now over the years we have fought about it a lot, and he claims “I was like this from the start, quit trying to change me” he is just so lacking desire for sex. On our honeymoon, I should have known, because he didn’t even try to prospect me, and when I did, he was like too tired or whatever… I cried and felt totally rejected. This fighting has gone on and on over the last 3 years, and once he just told me “well maybe if you would leave me alone about it, I would come around to you!” so I did, and marked on my calendar.., I had 2 periods, nothing. That’s 2 months and not so much as a look. The only time he really approaches me is like after bonfire party in the back yard, or night out at a bar when he is hammered, and then it’s like …. Well not making love. often we could go longer with nothing, but ill approach him and when we have sex, I feel like he feels like he “hit his quota” and can /should now be left alone for a while, and I know he thinks his wife is a nymphomaniac but I swear I desire more than that, maybe I’m worse? Although sometimes I feel that if I was getting the little bits of affection I desire, I wouldn’t rave about the sex maybe? I want to be pretty to him. in the evenings if he feels like we haven’t done it in a while and I put on something sexy or make a point to mention it, he will say okay want to do it?? No romance nothing. He might like touch me down there, really fast to get me going, the just straight to the sex, and if I don’t “get off” it’s like he is racing me. I feel nothing when sex is like this, it s like I’m better off masturbating. I have to pretend. So at one point I decided to bring others into our relationship, other girls hoping it would liven him up. Well everyone around thought this was awesome, they have an open relationship, everyone knew I was cool about him being with my girl friends etc, (big funny joke around the campfire cool wife, neat relationship, lucky man etc) and it was fun, but still nothing like a husband wanting his wife. Since I had my child it has gotten worse. He used to hold me all night long, and not to be too graphic, but he also used to have oral sex with me occasionally when we did have sex (usually drunk) and now not at all… until I pointed it out, and he says he doesn’t like it anymore, and now ONLY will if he is drunk. And I do not deny him ANYTHING sexually at all. Many times ill just beg him, let me pleasure you PLEASE I won’t ask for anything, and I get shoved away. I feel like a huge fat cow when he rejects me like this, I know I’m not a cow, but I hate feeling like I had to beg my hubby for sexual attention, and being denied… I’m such a loser! I guess we had more sex before when he worked in a bar and was drunk more often. Now there is room in our bed to put 2 people between us. I know when I was Prego it was hard to hold me and I was uncomfortable, so I didn’t want to lay so much like that, but after I wanted it, and it was like he was used to not, so he didn’t anymore. Many times if I am in the mood ill masturbate with my vibrators right there in bed with him, you would think this would turn him on? Get him to want to join me or something? No, he would just say hurry up, or can you do that somewhere else… I thought he had a medical problem, but he went to the dr, and the dr said he is perfectly healthy. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great man and an awesome father to my daughter, he works so hard for us, and everyone knows it. When we struggled he worked 2 or 3 jobs for us, and is supporting me now while I start this new career making little money till it gets going, I couldn’t have done it without him. Over the years things like this have made me put my feelings on the back burner, I told myself, the feelings in the bedroom and about feeling loved etc, could be overlooked for such perfection in other areas. He denies me nothing in any other area, but lately more and more I find myself wondering and feeling sad. And all of our friends and family see our relationship as like this shining beacon of perfection, I guess I have a great façade? Simple things now like watching the notebook, or dirty dancing, make me cry! And love stories etc. Many times I just wish he would walk up behind me and hold me, or kiss my neck, some kind of affection, anything! I thought that maybe my weight gain from pregnancy? So I have been dieting and exercising like mad, I weighed 107 size 5 when I married him, 117 after having the baby… now I weigh 100-104 size 0 working hard to look nice, everyone notices, great, but not the one I want to, and not in the way I want him to. He said once if I lose anymore ass we will have to talk (he was joking) but I guess I am a needy wife. I want affection, love, I want to feel special. I try to be the best wife I can, clean the house, cook dinners, and many times weeks go by where I am doing all of those things great, then a party or something and the house will be a mess, then he blows up, then I fix it in a day… but I hate that. Maybe I’m a sucky housekeeper, but I do try. And I know I am rambling, but I aaaarg don’t know what to do! I realized recently that I have parties all the time like every weekend to keep myself occupied, and ignore the problem at hand. Keep myself surrounded by people and fun, but even that has been going wrong lately. I feel bad bringing it up to him, because many times I know he is just dead tired, he does work hard, but is this an excuse? Or rather is this a good explanation for why he can’t show affections? Anything? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I do what I have been doing and say screw it?!?!? I mean he hasn’t been like this so how can I expect it? How did I let this go so far? Should I tell myself he is great other than this… little thing…. and forget about it? Keep pretending>? I hate it when in front of friends guys all joke about their love life, and having sex etc, but I’m not getting the sex… whatever… super confused and feeling alone. I mean I love him, I know he is an amazing father and all, and my daddy loves him! I think I married him because he is so much like my dad, he can fix anything, he can make anything, and he likes to get his hands dirty, and what girl doesn’t love her father? And my family all LOVE him, so this is even worse… I can’t talk to anyone because they will say HEY YOU!! HE is great can’t you see that? I am being selfish…I don’t know. I feel like our relationship is just an agreement, I mean we aren’t married; we simply live together… co-habitate. It’s not just about the sex and affection, I mean I am ME and plan to be her forever; I never planned on growing up and acting like someone else ever! I always will have fun and do silly things no matter what. It does not mean that I intend on being a bad mother however seriously, just because when my daughter is sleeping in bed safe sound and watched, I can’t hang in the barn and play around doing something silly? Whats wrong with that? It’s OKAY when HE does it (i.e.when he is Playing with chainsaws or fire/torches etc), but if I do (hang upside down in the barn so silly) it and he is not in the mood, I am bad and need to start acting like I am 30?? Why? Why should I? I can’t be MY MOTHER! I am never turning 30 in his eyes anyhow, will never change the way I act because of a number. But I can still have fun and be a good momma is my point. What’s wrong with wanting your husband to smack your booty in Wal-Mart? Or to pick you up and hug you for no reason other than he loves you? Maybe this is my entire fault for accepting it for so long…I think … shoot I think I know nothing… I am so messed up! I really don’t feel that I have changed, but I feel that he has. I really don’t feel like we are in love with each other anymore. I know I love him, he loves me, but we are not IN LOVE… or are we???He is a great dad, I think I am a great momma, but I don’t think he is in love with me anymore or that maybe I am not in love with him anymore, I respect him, I admire many things about him, but is that love? I think we are together because it seems like we should be maybe? Nothing is supposed to be wrong in our marriage; we are supposed to be the perfect ones! So how can I talk to anyone? i am so confused… i do love him, i don’t… i miss him, but i don’t PLEASE HELP

[Ask April Masini]

The big problem here is that you changed — not your husband. You changed your expectations and the rules of the game, and he’s still the same guy you dated him. (I’m not clear from your post if you’re actually married or just living together, and if so, for how long — which would all help to know!) You wrote that he didn’t have much of a sex drive when you were dating, and now that you’re together for some years and have a child together, he’s got that same sex drive, only you want him to be different. So, you need to accept responsibility for the choice you knowingly made when you chose him to live with and have a child with.

That said, rather than judge yourself too harshly, it sounds like you want some resolution between your feelings of disappointment in your sex life with your man, and the fact that he’s such a good man in so many other areas of your relationship. The hard question you have to ask yourself, is: Can you stay with a man who has an incompatible sex drive to yours?

If the answer is yes, then you make the best of the relationship for the sake of your daughter together, and you appreciate all his attributes and contributions to the marriage tenfold. If the answer is no, then you either try to work with him in a way that you haven’t before to see if you can get some more movement on his part in terms of a sex life with you, or you decide to leave him because your happiness is more important than your disappointment in your relationship. Tough calls all around, but not making a decision is going to leave you exactly where you are for the long run.

What I can advise you immediately, is to stop using a vibrator in bed when he’s right there next to you. What an emasculating move!! 😕 When he asks you to use that somewhere else or to finish up, he is being way more than polite. That is a ball busting move on your part, and if what you want from him is more sex, that is NOT the way to get it, so quit that, now!! Next, you should stop inviting other women into your bed as a way to get him more excited about sex. You’re pressuring him instead of tantalizing him. Let your sex life be private — not a group endeavor. Trust me, it’s not making him feel better.

In addition, listen to him. When he tells you he’s tired — too tired to have sex — and you tell me he sometimes works two to three jobs to make ends meet, accept what he’s saying. He probably is tired, and that fatigue is adding to an already low sex drive to give you next to nothing in bed. What you can do is try to take some of the fatigue off his plate. For instance, if you can afford it, plan regular monthly weekend getaways to an out of town or in town hotel for a weekend alone (without sexual pressure) without your child.

Never forget your role in your relationship as temptress and seductress — balanced with letting him be the man who makes the moves. It’s easy to forget when you become a mom, that your husband fell in love with his girlfriend, not his wife, and you were that girlfriend!! Get back some of that girlfriend/boyfriend dating vibe by being not just the wife and mother of your child together, but as his lover and girlfriend you once were and still can be in addition to wife and mother. It’s not easy, but I know you can do it if you put your mind and energy towards that goal.

Listen to him, and accept who he is, and tell him how great he is — all the while doing your best to be your most sensual and feminine self (not a ball buster — sorry, but that vibrator move was totally disrespectful). You’re going to have to build on what you already have if you decide to stay with him. Grow up! You’re not a little girl and you don’t get to whine about this for more than a few minutes (which I trust you’ve used up). Decide to stay or go, and if you do stay, you take responsibility for your part in the marriage and give it your best shot. If you want to go, make a clean break and next time around, if know that if a guy has a low sex drive in dating, chances are it will wane, naturally, in your marriage and/or long term relationship.

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