[Young at Heart]

I have been married for 38 years to a wonderful woman and the mother of our children. I love her, but…
She has always had self-image and body issues. We almost have never made love unless it is dark and under covers in bed. She is sexually inhibited. While I would like to perform oral sex on her (and have her on me) she will not allow that for a variety of improbably reasons. The number of positions we have tried is also limited. Her libido has really gone down hill after she stopped hormone replacement therapy. We are empty nesters so kids under foot isn’t an issue.

My current big problem is that last summer, sexual rejection got so bad that I stopped having sex with my wife (it was at most once a week to once every other week or two). She seemed to be thrilled by that decision and it has been five months without any sex and hardly any touching of her to me. I have been giving her foot and back massages, but she has almost no interest in touching me, except maybe in a sisterly way.

I insisted that she go to a doctor who specializes in women’s health issues, low libido, hormone treatment, and who is also a sex therapist. The doctor told my wife to get into individual sex therapy with her and have her and I jointly see a different sex therapist as a couple. We are going for our first joint therapy session this weekend. I think that she has set up some individual sessions with the other doctor that will start in a while.

I have been trying to be a faithful and loving husband, but it is difficult. I do chores around the house, I am supportive of my wife, listen to her and find out about her day and praise her for things she does at her job. I have read a bunch of relationship books recently and know that I have probably hurt my wife during our marriage with my not communicating to her in her languages of love. I am thrilled that my wife has finally taken our situation seriously and look forward to hopefully having a better relationship. In the mean time, I have been working on loosing weight (-24 pounds -dropped 3 pants waist sizes), getting in shape (working out 3-5 times a week in a gym) and getting an interesting life full of hobbies and interest to make me a more interesting husband.

Any suggestions on how to make a sex therapy session go better? That is questions or things to ask the therapist?

Any suggestions on books to read or should I just back off and let the things that are happening take their course.

It has been five months without feeling loved or having sex and I feel horible, but for the past two months have tried very hard not to show it as I know that despiration is a turn off.

Help!

[Ask April Masini]

It would be wrong for me to interfere or advise you on your sex therapy since you have already committed to a sex therapist and will meet with him or her and get a diagnosis and a course of treatment. If you start asking a million cooks how to make a broth, you’re going to end up with a bastardized meal, so commit to your therapist of choice, and let the treatment run it’s course. If, at any point, you are unhappy with the outcome, discuss this with your therapist directly. Remember that every patient and therapist match does not produce a perfect outcome. Like any relationship, you have to find a good match, so while I congratulate you on you and your wife seeking professional help, I advise you to focus your treatment and course of therapy on the process you establish with your chosen therapist.

That said, what I can advise you is to keep the course of communication open, and be patient. It’s important that you’re open with your wife regardless of her behavior. When you do want her, tell her and show her that you want her, and when you’re hurt by her rejection or disinterest, tell her how you feel. The best you can do is to try and keep her in the loop with you, if not by having sex, then by communicating your feelings in a hope that that will build intimacy, and an understanding that will lead to mutually beneficial situations and outcomes with your wife.

Also, understand that while you’re taking the bull by the horns by losing weight, working out, reading books, and working on changing your behavior to a more positive stance, she may not take the same course in her journey to get back to you sexually. You are two very different people of different genders with different biological make ups, and psychological make ups. She will have her own course of recovery of your sex life together than you will, so just because you don’t see her doing what you’re doing to get back on track, doesn’t mean she’s not working her own process.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but I can’t. You’re doing all the right things — just stay open with your wife, and muster your understanding for her, but at the same time, don’t give up on what you want from and with her.

I hope that helps — good luck with the sex therapy. Please let me know how things go.

[Young at Heart]

[quote=”April Masini”]It would be wrong for me to interfere or advise you on your sex therapy since you have already committed to a sex therapist and will meet with him or her and get a diagnosis and a course of treatment. ……..I advise you to focus your treatment and course of therapy on the process you establish with your chosen therapist.

That said, what I can advise you is to keep the course of communication open, and be patient. It’s important that you’re open with your wife regardless of her behavior. When you do want her, tell her and show her that you want her, and when you’re hurt by her rejection or disinterest, tell her how you feel…..

……She will have her own course of recovery of your sex life together than you will, so just because you don’t see her doing what you’re doing to get back on track, doesn’t mean she’s not working her own process.

I hope that helps — good luck with the sex therapy. Please let me know how things go.[/quote]

Your advice was very good and I thank you. I have thrown myself into the exercises provided by our therapist. I have now had two sex therapy sessions with my wife.

After each session I feel love and commitment from my wife. It doesn’t always last, but the sessions give me hope. There is some progress being made and for that I am greatful. Still no sex, but some hugs and some non-genital touching from my wife.

I also didn’t realize how much emotional pain my wife was in or the depth of her self-image issues and fears.

While patience is not one of my virtures, I now understand that things will take a while to improve. Your comment on my wife having to find her own process is right on track.

Thank you again.

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for letting me know how things are going. It sounds like the fact that your wife is actually attending sex therapy and is making small steps with non-genital touching and affections is important because while it’s not your path or your speed, she is moving in the right direction — towards you, and not away from you.

One of the most important things you wrote is that you didn’t realize before the therapy sessions how much pain your wife was in. Your empathy and understanding and ability to communicate and show support for those feelings she’s having will really unlock a lot of healing for her. You’ve been very focused on your own needs, and the therapy has allowed you to see hers. I suspect it’s been difficult for her to open up about her pain because she feels guilty and ashamed about not giving you the sex life you want, so her own pain gets buried and complicated by these other derivative feelings.

Stay focused on your love of your wife, and don’t give up because it sounds like she wants you and is trying to get to you in the way you want her, but she’s on a different clock. I know how difficult this is for you, and commend yourself for you commitment and character in your marriage. Feel good for making an effort like this that may save your marriage.

Keep me in the loop so I can support you, too.

[Young at Heart]

[quote=”April Masini”]….It sounds like the fact that your wife is …..moving in the right direction — towards you, and not away from you.

…I suspect it’s been difficult for her to open up about her pain because she feels guilty and ashamed about not giving you the sex life you want, so her own pain gets buried and complicated by these other derivative feelings.

Stay focused on your love of your wife, and don’t give up because it sounds like she wants you and is trying to get to you in the way you want her, but she’s on a different clock.

…Keep me in the loop so I can support you, too.[/quote]

We have now had four sex therapy sessions plus a full weekend couples workshop (Gottman Institute).

We are now having sex about twice a week and I am getting touched in ways that make me feel more loved than I have in years. We have taken the Chapman 5 Languages of Love test and made sure that I am showing her love in her languages and shat she is showing me love in my primary and secondary languages of love.

Your comments were “on target” in that her pain was significant and deep over things that had happened decades ago (my lack of helping her around the house when our children were small) and her withdrawing from our relationship, which triggered my giving her more space, which created a cycle of withdrawing from each other. She has felt horrible and called herself a sexual failure, even when she wasn’t, because she just didn’t want to feel close to me. Her sex therapist reminded her that few women would want to make love to someone they were angry with; sex is suppose to be for someone you have positive feelings for.

We have forgiven each other and focused on making the future better. We have also adopted a number of exercises to bring each other closer and focus on each other. I feel so close to her now and she has told me that she feels a comfort in being open and intimate with me that she has not felt in decades.

Thank you for reminding me to put my relationship into the hands of a competent sex theapist and to communicate and focus on the positive. The differences in “clock” as you put it were one of the hardest things I had to deal with. Long term marriages can be saved (or at least I believe ours can be if we just keep up what we have been doing).

[Ask April Masini]

APPLAUSE! 😀

I’m glad I was on target with my advice, and that you and your wife are BOTH doing the work it takes to make your long term marriage thrive. Congratulations to you for all your hard work and success.

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