[Anonymous]

Dear April,
Thanks for taking the time to read this and everybody else. I am a 21 year old male currently unemployed and just last week my girlfriend broke up with me. In the past I have had depression issues and it took her to change my life completely. I went out with her for a few months and was at her students house in the city. I woke up and she told me that she “needed to talk” and that she “couldnt do this anymore”. She ended up telling me that she was in fact not a relationship person and liked being single because of her personality. She is the type of person who likes to keep to herself and keeps a lot bottled up, even from friends. She said that she woke up earlier before to try and think of things I had done wrong and came up with nothing. She told me in the past with an ex she dragged out the relationship then during the break up pointed out all his faults when it wasn’t him…it was her. I believe that she was just upset in the heat of the moment and putting herself down. We both hugged each other goodbye twice before she told me I had to go before she cried. I wanted to think it was all the stress of how shy and reserved she is as a person as well as the stress of exams, etc but I am probably kidding myself.
I text her after I left the house saying to her how she didn’t need to put herself down and I care for her no matter what position we stand. She told me thanks even though she believed she didn’t deserve understanding. It has been about a week since then and I have not heard from her in any way. Any time I have seen her online she goes offline after I come on. Her friend said that she has had “the blues” since that day. I even text her saying that I respect her decision and hope shes ok but didn’t get a reply. I miss her so much. It is weird because I have never felt like this before after a break up with somebody. I can be fine one minute then something simple could remind me of her and I break down. I have cried over it some times. They say it takes a real man to cry lol.
I feel like she is ignoring me and is trying to forget me and it makes me sad because as much as I myself bottle up how I feel, deep down inside I am hurting. I just wish that she was missing me and was thinking of taking me back but I laughed after a while at the thought because that has only ever happened to my friends and I feel pathetic for even hoping for a movie like ending. I feel like shes my soul mate because I have never met anybody before who is practically my double in life and I really wish I could fight for her but it all goes down to how she feels and whether or not shes going to change as a person and fight for us. I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?

[Ask April Masini]

Breaking up hurts. The pain is important because it lets you know that you’ve lost something that was important to you. Loss and pain are part of life, and while you can have those movie endings now and then in your life, they’re only a small fraction of any ninety minute movie, and they’re only a small fraction of your real life.

The way to get through the pain of a break up is to grieve, which you’re doing, and to understand that the break up was due to an incompatibility. You are not soul mates because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and that’s the soul mate deal breaker. She is someone who was and is important to you, but her time in your life is over, and now it’s time for YOU to move on and put the focus on you.

To get over the pain, aside from feeling it and understanding it, you can start using that blue energy on something productive: you. 😉 Start investing in yourself. Exercise — if you already have a routine like running or going to a gym, try a new sport or focus on the one you already have. If you don’t have one, get one, or join a gym. Make sure you see family and friends (the ones who are supportive of your healthy life) regularly. Start volunteering for cancer patients, homeless people, or change the world a little bit each day by investing your time in your political party or some other community service of your choice.

Basically, you need to start healing yourself with positive actions and eventually you will not only start to feel better, you’ll feel great and wiser for the life you’re living with it’s ups and downs. You’ll also start to attract people to you who are equally interested in living a healthy and full life.

I’m sorry your heart is broken, but you’re going to be okay, and even great! Hang in there. 😀

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