[blueskys83]

My bf moved a few months ago across country. He wants me to move out there with him and we have talked in detail about it a lot. But here’s my dilemma……. I want commitment from him before I make such a big change in my life. We talked about marriage and he said he’s ready and that he’s in it for the long haul. Problem is we keep planning the big move ( couple months away) but he hasn’t brought up marriage or engagement and I’m wondering how do I remind him or if I even should at this point? I feel like I have already laid out my expectations and needs clearly so he is very much aware of them. As it stands now the move date is fast approaching and I am wondering what I do at this point? Move without the ring? Play house until maybe one day he proposes? Is there a way to bring it up or remind him next time he starts talking about me moving out there without it feeling like I’m nagging or being pushy? I feel that me moving and uprooting myself and child to go across country for my fiancé or husband is a lot better than just my boyfriend. Talk is cheap and I’m more about actions at this stage in my life. I feel stuck in limbo until we make things official.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re right. It’s not fair to move your child across country to follow a boyfriend who knows you want a commitment and won’t make one. I think you should stay put and focus on giving your child stability. If your boyfriend understands how important this commitment is to you because you’re showing him with your actions, then he gets to make a choice. But if you say one thing and do another — tell him you want a commitment and then don’t act like you do — you’re not being clear. It’s important that you’re true to yourself and your child and that you keep your priorities straight — not just in your head, but in your life. 😉

[blueskys83]

Thank you for your response. I agree I can’t say I want commitment and then just move there without it. He recently came to visit and we had a really good talk about it and almost went down and got married that night. However, it being mothers day we were at my parents and it just didn’t end up happening. After talking about it and putting everything out on the table he continues to bring up us moving and is trying to plan it but hasn’t mentioned anything really about the marriage part. He said he was ready and wanted that too but saying and doing are 2 different things. Is there a way to bring it up without it sounding like an ultimatum? Or a demand?

[AskApril Masini]

Good question — it’s all about the execution. You can lay it right out there and tell him that the last thing you want is to be putting pressure on him, but you really feel you haven’t been honest and you’re not being true to yourself by taking this trip as much as you love him. Tell him you completely understand his timetable, and you respect it, but you’ve jumped the gun on your own and you’ve got to reel yourself back in because as much as you love him, it’s more important to your own sense of integrity to make this type of commitment, married. You had really hoped that since you were making the move, he’d walk the aisle before hand, but since it hasn’t worked out that way, you’d like to hang back and make any move that’s this big, only after you’re married. You can put that in your own words or riff on it so it’s yours. But I do think you have to take care of this now (yesterday) so you don’t keep giving him a false sense of your being okay with this move by going along with it. It isn’t so much an ultimatum as it is a boundary for you that you should have used a while ago, but life happens and we’re all on our own learning curves, so you’re imposing it now.

[blueskys83]

Thank you April for your great advice. I really appreciate it and have written down in my own words what I need to say. I must admit though just bluntly saying all this feels a little forced to me but I agree it needs to be said (again) regardless. Timing and execution are everything. I get hung up on that and then before I know it another day has gone by…. But you’re right it should have happened yesterday.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

Moving across the country with a kid is a huge deal, not a casual leap.
You already did the hard part by being clear about what you need. So this isn’t about reminding him gently or worrying about sounding pushy. It’s about timing and reality. If he’s ready for the long haul like he says, this is the moment where actions should match the words.

I wouldn’t move without clarity. Not because you need a ring tomorrow, but because you need a real plan. A timeline. Something solid that shows he understands what you’re risking.

You can say it simply. I love you, I want this, but I can’t uproot my life and my child without knowing where this is headed.
If that scares him off, that tells you something important. And if it doesn’t, you’ll finally have your answer.

[Tara]

If he truly intended to marry you, you wouldn’t be confused, waiting, or negotiating timelines like a project manager begging for updates. Ready men don’t forget, delay, or conveniently go silent when commitment is on the table. He knows exactly what you want. You’ve already told him. The absence of action isn’t forgetfulness; it’s a decision. Right now, he’s asking you to uproot your life and your child while he keeps maximum flexibility and minimum responsibility. That’s not partnership, that’s leverage.

Do not move without a ring, and absolutely do not “play house,” hoping effort will magically turn into commitment. That fantasy only benefits him. Once you move, the pressure disappears. He gets companionship, convenience, and loyalty without obligation. Engagement after relocation becomes optional, not urgent. And no, there is no magical way to “remind him” without sounding pushy because clarity feels pushy to someone enjoying ambiguity. The moment you’re afraid to ask for what you need, you already have your answer.

Here’s what you do: you stop hinting, and you stop waiting. You state, once and calmly, that you will not relocate without a formal commitment and a clear plan for marriage. Then you shut up and watch what he does next. If he steps up, good. If he stalls, deflects, or accuses you of pressure, you don’t argue; you stay where you are.

[Member]

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