[broken51]

My fiance and boyfriend of 7.5 years came to me two weeks ago and told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married anymore. (5.5 months before the wedding.) He said he was scared that we “have different things we want to do with our lives” and bases it on the fact that we have different hobbies and interests. He says that he is sick of feeling guilty for not wanting to do the same things.

He also says that he doesn’t feel in control of his life, and that all of his big decisions (which he cites as getting engaged and married) have been steered by not wanting to disappoint me.

The thing is, there was absolutely no sign that this was coming. He had been away for work for the week before, and texted me every night that he loved me, and how much he missed me. We have never stopped being intimate. We cuddled each other and told each other we loved each other every night. We spent the days together running errands and watching movies leading up to this revelation.

I had never been happier – I thought that we had never been happier. We hardly ever fight, we talk things out (or so I thought), we give each other physical and emotional affection every single goddamned day. Now he’s left the apartment and we’re on a temporary break and I’ve never felt so torn up and lost and alone. He says that he’s been feeling this way for quite a while. When I tell him I want to fight for and work on our relationship, he says “I have been for a long time.” But he never said a word to me. I had no idea he was feeling this way.

I don’t know what to do. Initially we communicated every few days; he says that he appreciates that we can talk. I am reasonable and I know that this is just as hard on him as it is me. But I definitely get the feeling that he is ready to tap out without even giving me the chance to make things better. He says he cares about me and he loves me, but I got it out of him that he’s not sure if he’s “in” love with me. He says his heart is not in it anymore.

I’ve now requested a 2-week communication break, so that he knows what life will be like without me. I also have gotten him to commit to some relationship counseling before he gives up completely. I just cannot believe that he is ready to break-up so suddenly, after so long! I don’t know what else to do! We’re on Day 3 and I feel like I am dying.

Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[broken51]

I am 28 and he is 29 (though I’ll be 29 in July and he’s turning 30 in August).

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in.

It sounds like this is over. 😳 After seven years, if he is calling off the marriage, moving out, and taking “a break” — it’s time for you to move on. If what you’re looking for in life is marriage and kids, at your age, it’s time to meet those goals and to find what you’re looking for and not waste time. I think that having “a break” is his way of slowly but surely backing away from the relationship. And I think that you know this, too.

Ending a long-term relationship is painful — there’s no way around that. Even if he’s not Mr. Right, it’s still a loss. But, it’s also a gift because now you can figure out what you’d like to do differently next time, and try to find someone who DOES want to get married and have kids — and who is very clear about that. The lucky thing about your age is that there are a lot of guys who do want marriage and kids and are very sure about that — and this time, when dating, you want to make sure you have someone who isn’t just a great guy, but with whom you’re compatible. 🙂

I know this is going to be difficult, but it’s time release the hold button on this relationship, and call it what is — flat lining. The more contact you have with him, the less guilty he’ll feel and the harder it will be for you to move on. Accept the break as a break up and decide to start the next chapter of your life today. 😉

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[broken51]

Thank you for the response. I guess one of the main things that I am struggling with, is the fact that we were/are compatible. We had similar goals, and discussed them. Marriage, house, this city, one kid. We were the couple that people talked about, the two that are so suited for each other. I had a friend tell an acquaintance just that the week before this happened. The cited “differences” are his love for fly fishing, and my love for travel. Serious! Our life goals have always been the same. We are a lot a like, so we have always found that it was nice to have some different hobbies to keep things interesting.

This is why I am so confused, and so taken aback. Why I am looking for just the right way to approach him and help him see the forest through the trees. Why I hope he is just getting cold feet, or freaking out because he’s turning 30 and I found his first grey hair only a week before this happened!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not your job to help [i]him[/i] see the forest for the trees. It’s your job to to help YOURSELF see the forest for the trees. I know you’re trying to see all the places that the two of you were compatible and good together, but if he walks away — none of that matters. 😳

It’s entirely understandable for you to be taken aback and confused. Most people would be. When someone leaves after seven years, just before a wedding — it’s upsetting and confusing. What you thought you had, isn’t so. However, it’s time to get realistic about what’s happened and what’s happening. He’s not someone who’s upfront with himself or you — which is why this came out of the blue. He was holding back his feelings and not being honest. I don’t mean to speak ill of him, but people don’t just suddenly walk out one day after seven years, leaving you clueless. These things boil up and in a good relationship where there is open and honest communication (within oneself and between the two people), there aren’t these surprises.

Hang in there — and rethink the relationship.

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