[mwaldo]

I’ve never met such an amazing person like my Fiancé. I can not wait to marry this man. I have only had one problem his ex. They dated in high school for a year+. It was a very rocky relationship she continuously would cheat on him. He ended it and they remained friends. They were in a band together for years recently she quit the band, and they still remained friends. She will text and call (only when he’s at work) to hang out or chat. He’s ditched me to hang out with her or comfort her a few times. Towards me I could tell something was off every time she would talk to me it was like she was talking to a puppy all high pitched and seem to come off fake to me. I’ve caught her rolling her eyes or making faces as I would be talking as well. I spoke to him and he says he’s understanding that I’m not comfortable with them hanging out alone and the talking all secretive (making plans and me never knowing about it until way later). He spoke to her and explained that I am not comfortable with the situation and she agreed to back up(says this happens often) She has texted/call him only here and there but we still see her when we are out with our friends. She gets overly excited to see him and makes it a point to pull him aside to have a one on one conversation to get his undivided attention and will constantly touch his arms and back . I feel like she is doing this in spite of me. I feel she’s been really disrespectful towards me and I’m not sure on how to handle her. I feel as much as I just try to stay away and civil towards her the more she’s trying to push me. What do I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 26 and he’s 28 and there’s a four year old child who’s either one of yours or yours together. He’s got an ex who he ditches you for now and then, and who is rude to you. You are not alone! This is very common and the way you handle this is important. Remember that this is between you and your boyfriend — not the other woman. So be polite to her and stay cool. Don’t put her in the middle of your relationship. The more you make her relevant, the more relevant she’ll be. So just stay cool and focus on your relationship with your fiancee.

Next, understand that you have competition. That’s not a bad thing, but you do have to rise to the occasion and bring your A game to the relationship. Be the best girlfriend or fiancee you know how to be. Make him grateful to have you and not want to lose you. Remember that men don’t cheat because someone else is fabulous — they cheat because they feel something with the other person that they don’t feel in their relationship with a partner. So put the focus on your relationship — not on the distraction in it.

Ideally, your fiancee will realize what he has in you and let her fade into the background. It’s important you don’t create a mountain out of a molehill — she may not be the horror show you think she is, and instead, may be more of a nuisance than anything else. But don’t give him an ultimatum or badmouth her — that will just make her more of an issue than she is.

I hope that helps!

[Sally]

Anyone would feel uneasy watching an ex hover like that, especially when you’re talking about marrying him. What’s sticking out isn’t just her behavior it’s that she keeps pushing after being told to step back. That’s disrespectful, plain and simple.
But here’s the part that matters most: this isn’t really about her. It’s about your fiancé. If he truly understands how this makes you feel, then it’s on him to shut it down in the moment. Not later. Not privately. In the moment. Pulling him aside, touching him, getting his attention that only keeps happening if it’s being allowed.
You don’t need to confront her or get dramatic. Stay calm. Stay classy. But have a clear, firm talk with him about what you need to feel secure. The right man will protect the relationship, not just reassure you about it.

[Tara]

The problem is not the ex; it’s your fiancé’s weak boundaries. Stop misdirecting your anger. She’s behaving exactly like someone who still wants access, attention, and control. The only reason she has it is because he’s allowing it.

Let’s dismantle the fantasy right now. This woman cheated on him repeatedly, lost the relationship, and now clings to relevance by orbiting his life like unfinished business. The high-pitched fake sweetness? That’s not friendliness, that’s condescension. The eye-rolling, the touching, the pulling him aside? That’s territorial behavior. She’s not confused. She’s not innocent. She’s asserting dominance and enjoying watching you tolerate it.

Now here’s where it gets uncomfortable for you: a man who is truly ready to marry you does not ditch you to comfort another woman, does not take secret calls, does not make plans you hear about “later,” and does not allow an ex to touch him or monopolize him in social settings. That’s not respect. That’s indulgence. He may claim he understands your discomfort, but understanding without enforcement is meaningless.

Your “trying to stay civil” is exactly why she keeps pushing. You’re being quiet while she’s being bold. She’s testing how much she can get away with, and so far, the answer is plenty. And every time he fails to shut it down decisively, he sends her the message that she still matters and sends you the message that your comfort is negotiable.

You stop managing her and start demanding standards from him. No private conversations. No touching. No pulling aside. No emotional support. No secrecy. No exceptions. If he hesitates, defends her, or minimizes this, that’s your real warning sign because marriage will not magically fix a man who enjoys female attention more than he values his partner’s peace.

[Member]

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