[Babel89]

So here’s the situation:

I am in love with my best friend’s girlfriend. I have known both of them for 2+ years now. We are (might be were) three super close friends. We all lived together (them two in a room, me in another, and another roommate) until this passed summer, upon which the boyfriend (my best friend) graduated and moved to another city (1 1/2 hours away) to pursue further education. I no longer live in that house (needed a different type of lease) and she moved to another place with the other roommate (also a girl). We three have a lot of great memories together, one of the biggest being that over this passed summer we traveled/backpacked in another country.

Some history about them:

They have been dating for seven years. The guy is an amazing person. He is a hard worker, passionate about what he wants to do, and is all-and-all a great friend to have. However, he also is extremely insecure, constantly accusing the girl of cheating on him, even resorting to checking her Facebook and phone to see who she has been talking to. This passed week, he pulled me aside during a party and asked if there was something going on between the girl and I. I feel as if his hypersensitivity affected his judgement (though in this case, he was indeed right). This is his first and only girlfriend. Even after seven years, this is still happening. How do I know this?

Well here is the kicker. She and I started hanging out a lot more than normal this passed semester. She started getting into the same things I loved to do (climbing being the number one thing). I have known that I loved her since February of this year (honestly I might have had feelings before that, but they were definitely confirmed this year, those many months ago, for no apparent reason. I just looked up at her one day when she was in the backyard, and realized that I loved her). I have tried to push these feeling down, and forget about them, for the sake of salvaging the relationship I want to keep with both of them. I dated other girls, but it wasn’t the same. I just can’t control these feelings. These last two weeks have been, for lack of better word, ridiculous. We ended up cuddling four times times (once last week, three these last three nights) after climbing and/or eating dinner at her place (with her roommate and friends sometime). Also there was wine involved…Anyway, I basically poured my heart out, and in return she did the same. She said she didn’t realize she had feelings for me until we were all traveling. This passed week, she confessed that she was indeed in love with me, and in fact not attracted to her boyfriend anymore (physically and emotionally). She told me she had planned to break up with him after we all got back from traveling (not for me, at least I don’t think so, but just that the relationship wasn’t where it used to be), but she decided not to because she wanted the guy to be in a safe state of mind (just to reiterate, he is extremely insecure and has some serious trust issues, and she feels that she needs to be with him just to be with him). She said that she wants him to be able to experience dating other girls. Though we were both drunk (nothing physical happened besides cuddling) we both meant every word we said to each other, because the next morning she continued to tell me how she felt.

Here’s how i’m feeling about this entire, crappy conflicted situation:

On one hand, I love my best friend like a brother. I feel extremely guilty about this whole situation. Is it my fault that these feelings developed? Am I the bad guy? I shouldn’t have put her in this situation. I am going to be leaving to a different state the beginning of next year (for work), and I feel it’s wrong for me to have professed my love for her, because I am able to simply move to a new place and move on (though I don’t think it will be that easy) while she has to deal with all of this bullshit. Nor do I want to betray his trust (though I feel I already have). I tried so hard to “get over” her, but I couldn’t. I’m smitten. And he is not a bad guy at all (as I said before). He does love her with all his heart. His trust issues are a result of how he was brought up, and unfortunately it is driving her away.

On the other hand, I am, truly, in love with this girl. Everything about her. I have dated many women, and i’m not a womanizer or anything of the like. It’s just love. I have grown too close to her to not feel otherwise. It’s not just another girl, in my opinion. This girl is potentially [i]the one.[/i] And I know she feels the same way. She told me she is [i]in love[/i] with me. We have had some talks these passed two weeks, but now she and him went back to their town to see their individual families for the holidays. However she has already sneaked some calls to talk to me, and she and I constantly text and chat throughout the day.

I don’t know what to do. Help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like her relationship with her longterm boyfriend is no longer as interesting to her as it once was, and she’s really enjoying the relationship that’s developing with you. Because he’s your best friend, he’s going to feel betrayed if he finds out about this, and there’s no way around that. He may blame his relationship problems with her on you. You’ll be the object of his anger. And yes, chances are that he’ll consider you the bad guy.

You and I both know that relationships don’t break up because of a third party. They break up because of what’s happening within the relationship. So, no, you’re not a bad guy, but the dishonesty and secrecy is eventually going to catch up with you if you continue sneaking around behind his back.

So, what if she breaks up with him and then you start dating? Even if she breaks up with him and he doesn’t know that you’re the reason for the break up, as soon as he finds out that the two of you start dating, he’s still going to be angry. So, there’s really no way around the fallout from dating your best friend’s girlfriend — or ex-girlfriend. Sometimes, these situations work themselves out in time, in other words, if the two of them broke up and he got back on his feet, started dating someone who he was very, very happy with and then you two started dating, he might be okay with that because he’s so happy in his own life — but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

[i]However[/i], the fact that you’re moving out of state is really going to change things. Even if you and this woman continued your relationship, it will become a long distance relationship, and those are not for everyone. Because of the two complications (1. She’s your best friend’s girlfriend and 2. You’re moving next week to a different state), my advice is to focus on the move and start dating people in your new area. During this time, you’ll have an opportunity to see if she stays with her boyfriend or breaks up with him because he’s not the right one for her. There is a chance that she’ll stay with him, and you will have been a distraction for her. Either way, you’ll have a better idea of what’s really going on with her — and yourself — once you move, start your new job and start making a home for yourself in a new state.

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[Babel89]

Hi April,

Thanks for the reply. I guess it’s just one of those “time-will-tell” situations after all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀

[Member]

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