[Anon26]

I was dating my ex-boyfriend for 3 years until he was unfaithful during a difficult period in my life. Prior to this we did not ‘engage’ with each other for a while and his unfaithful-ness occurred a week after we started again. Our relationship was intense and emotional. He was the jealous type and after a drunken evening he did hit me. I made a lot of sacrifices for him with regards to my family because they didn’t like him at all. Despite this we worked well together and i feel like i was the only one to really get to his core and understand why he was like he was toward other people. Unknown to my family and friends we have been on and off with each other, we were just friends but it became emotional and so we dated for a short period of time but i ended it because i didn’t think it was a good idea and my family would definitely not like it (they’re very important to me). In the past yyear i also moved out into my own flat. We recently saw each other and that brought up a lot of emotions, he wants to be friends and perhaps see how it goes (because he doesn’t want to get hurt again) and i agree but i cannot just be friends with him. There is too much history and breakups (my fault) and too many emotions where we end up being lovable or cuddle when we hang out. I feel like he has become slightly arrogant and he says himself his main focus at the moment is his looks and appearance and becoming better than everyone else and Im more of a person who wants to be happy and help others. I feel like I love him so so much but also could just be lonely? I’m just very confused and we’ve had fights because i become emotional and it seems like he doesn’t at all ( he says he is just being careful which is fair but also frustrating). What do I do? Need an outside perspective for some advice please!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

First of all, if a man hits you, you shouldn’t pursue a relationship with him — in any way. He needs help you can’t give him, and by staying, you’re enabling this type of behavior. That’s the bottom line. You’ve kind of brushed that fact under the rug. 🙁

Second, any guy who’s primary purpose in life is to work on his appearance and being better than other people 😕 isn’t relationship material. He doesn’t sound like someone who’s generous or ready and able to put a woman in his life first and treat her well.

It’s fine for you to be interested in his behavioral motivations, but you’d be better off studying sociology and becoming a social worker so you can get paid to help people at a distance, rather than putting yourself in a victim situation and then wondering if you should stay or not. If your response is that you love him, consider that love is something we all feel for lots of people (places and things), but it doesn’t mean we should be in a romantic relationship with them, or even a friendship with them. You can feel love, but not put yourself in harm’s way, as well. And that’s your challenge! 🙂

I hope that helps. And if you do write in here again, it’s always helpful to know how old you are. The advice for an 18 year old is often different than for a 48 year old. 😉

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