[Xiah]

Near the end of last school year, my friend introduced me to some of her friends, one of them being my ex. I used to never be social and for once I was happy to meet them and I was really happy in the relationship. Everyone, including myself thought we would last long. We hung out a lot on the last week of school. That same week I went to Korea for 2 months to study, being my dream to learn Korean. While I was back my bf went to my best friend one’s house, who is single and recently broke up with her bf, to skype with me until he found a cam at home. My mom warned me, believing I’d get hurt if they end up liking each other. But it was the complete opposite. They hung out a lot as a group with my other best friend #2 and her boyfriend. They hung out almost everyday. And I refused to tell my friend #1 that it bothered me, cause I felt like i never even left. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he didn’t even understand my feelings. There was a misunderstanding by text between me and my bf that upsetted me about where he is. He said he was just out of the house. and didn’t tell me he went out to dinner with them all. I ignored him for a few days because I was coming home the next week and I didn’t want to break up with him when i really didn’t, because i knew i’d blow up and end it. He didn’t understand me and just continued to assure me it’s a misunderstanding. So I had to break it up. Now that i’m back in America. I really realized how much I miss him and that I like him a lot. I saw him in public and it was the most awkward thing in my life. We talked on IM and we both told eachother it’s impossible. He’s graduating this year and is going out of state for college. But I still yearn for happiness. My friend feel really guilty towards me. They feel as if it’s their fault. But it was all indirectly hurting me. Sometimes I tell myself it’s unfortunate. And that i am really lucky. Sometimes I get mad at my friends, because soemtimes they accidently tell me “I miss talking to your ex. We used to talk so much.” I’d reply : yeah you guys spoke way more than I spoke to him. You guys even opened up more. and she said “How could you? You were across the globe?”

Is it so wrong? I feel so unhappy.. and I don’t want to continue to feel such harsh feelings for my best friends. When I first got back.. I felt like I lost everything including them. And what really saddens me is that me and him both still like eachother. But what happened..really was unfair in our opinion. But it’s apparently unfixable.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What happened was that you had a long distance relationship, and these types of relationships are trickier than in town relationships. Trust is a huge component of these relationships, and so is communication. You and your ex faltered in both of these areas. It really sounds like your ex did not cheat on you with your friend, but I understand how uncomfortable you felt because she was hanging out with him when you weren’t. But you need to understand and accept that you weren’t available for him to hang out with and he didn’t do anything wrong by hanging out with friends while you were abroad.

My advice is not to bring this up with your friend in a way that puts her on the defense. You’re clearly angry about things and you’re blaming her. If you talk to her about this, the blame will come through front and center. What I’d rather you do is accept responsibility for your part in the failure of a long distance relationship and try and understand his. This process requires you to distance yourself from your feelings, and I know that’s hard right now. Until you can process what really happened and let go of your anger over it, my advice is to find some new friends and don’t spend as much time with the ones that remind you of your break up.

As for you and your ex, there is an old saying: Time heals all wounds. I believe that with time and proper understanding processing of this problem, you’ll come to understand the long distance relationship was not right for the two of you, and because of who you both are, at this time in your lives, it wasn’t going to work for you two. If you can get over it, and if he comes to the same conclusion (because I don’t know what he’s thinking, nor do you), there may be a chance for the two of you down the line, but for now, I think you need space to get a fresh start on a new chapter. 😀

[Member]

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